Leah Oh, that's like, I mean, I was thinking about the only way that I'm going to be able to do this situation is with Rekkon, and that is a surefire way to do it. And that's the only way that I would be okay with you guys being friends is if I get to look back and laugh and know that I did that. Because that's what Freddy did with me and low-key.

Leah I'm still going to say Freddy.

Tristan Interesting.

Leah I know you can get it, but Arjun, I will.

Tristan So you want to have like a long conversation with him and then beat him up?

Leah Yeah. We'll set a 10 second timer. And I'll just go at it. I think that's a beautiful plan. It works for all parties.

Tristan Yeah. Interesting.

Leah But we're not going to tell Arjun about this until I have a conversation with him, and I will set this up, of course. Whenever I will respond as a upon him at the moment.

Leah Arjun gets punished. I get healing. You guys get to stay for him.

Tristan Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Something to be considered.

Leah If he doesn't do it, then he's not really your friend, because it also shows how much Arjun actually fucking cares about you, if he's willing to be accountable for what he fucking does. And also Arjun has never had this done to him before, and he clearly fucking needs it.

Tristan To be beat up in the name of justice.

Leah Yeah. In the name of living in anti-misogyny. And I'm going to video it.

Tristan Uh huh.

Leah Yup.

Tristan Okay.

Leah I mean, unless you have a better place. That would bring healing to me, and close out that chapter, besides that. Besides Arjun dying. That's the next best thing I got.

Tristan Interesting. I mean, if you do end up talking to him, and you get him begging for you to beat him up, I mean.

Leah That's what the normal person would, you know, that would be the normal reaction to it, but Arjun is not a normal person. So that's why I'm going to talk him into it, and have a conversation about why he is going to want to do that, otherwise that would be the worst thing for him to beat him up.

Tristan Yeah, at least it sounds like, yeah.

Leah I think it's a very good solution.

Tristan Yeah, I mean if that's the best fucking solution, yeah.

Leah Yeah. Well, how are you doing, how was your talk with your mom, I assume you were talking to her about it?

Tristan Not really, but I've been fucking processing it. Yeah, I don't know how to bring it up to her, but it's live. Yeah. So.

Leah Yeah, I mean, it's only if, you know, you can't understand what you're doing wrong, and why your reaction to Arjun is problematic. If you're still having trouble understanding, like, the fundamentals of why would you be friends with someone who does that to other people, that's when I think, like, you need to listen to someone who's not me, that you'll listen to.

Leah And I'm hoping that that can be your mom or Lindsey, but literally just tell her, Arjun made a bunch of extremely misogynistic comments and basically trapped her and humiliated her in front of some people for an hour. An hour straight. This wasn't like just some one-off comment. This was, I was literally trapped for a fucking hour being hate-crowed. And when I told you about it, you didn't believe me, which I understand because you did your best try, but also that just like fucking made the victimization even worse. I was calling for help, and you wouldn't even believe that I needed help. That was, I mean, that's just the beginning. And then your lack of a response to it, and, you know, being fucking verbally degraded and fucking verbally raped by Arjun. Penetrated with his fucking disgusting, vile, misogynist rhetoric.

Leah Penetrated as a subhuman, and nothing was done about it. And now you're having a conundrum of, you know, you want to remain friends with someone after they did that. Even though this was not just a one-off incident. This is a pattern. I am not the first person Arjun has done this to. Like that's what I think we left it as. I will never be able to understand that, other than, you know, this is men upholding each other and protecting one another, and if that's just, you know, you can admit to that.

Tristan I mean, it's really, I don't think any of his behavior was like, justifiable.

Leah Yeah, but it's also not horrific enough for you to do anything about it. Or cut him off.

Tristan And that's... I mean, like I did both of those. I did both, I cut him off basically for six months and then tried to do something about it.

Leah No. You did not cut him off for six months. We waited for six months for Arjun, or for me to, I waited six months for you to text Arjun. You didn't cut him off at all. We were waiting for Arjun to reach out to you and ask to hang out. You guys could finally fucking talk about this. You did not cut him off at all.

Tristan But what's the difference between not talking to him and cutting him off?

Leah Intentionally going out of your way to that, you were avoiding him because you didn't want to speak to him about what he did. That is not cutting him off. That's just taking a break. You guys just avoided each other for six months so you wouldn't have to talk about this. That's not a cutoff.

Tristan Yeah. I mean, fair enough, but it, like, yeah. Yeah. From my lens, it's like six months of reflecting upon it and...

Leah It took you six months to believe me that Arjun hurt me that bad.

Tristan Well, the way...

Leah You're still grasping that today.

Tristan Like, in a way also, because the way... As much as severe as it sounded before, and I understand that, like, the pain has been there this entire time, the gravity of it, or at least the way you're putting it, does sound more severe now than...

Leah Yeah, baby. I've been talking about it with the same severity since day one and how horrific it was and how it was going to affect me. You just didn't believe me until I threatened to stop seeing you over this, basically. Because you're not seeing me like that, treating me as a subhuman. On top of Arjun treating me as a subhuman, like, you set that up with the structure.

Tristan Like, no, because looking back on it, I understand that it was, like, extremely hurtful, what he did. And so that's why I tried to take the step to talk to him, make him understand what he did, like, make him realize that he's been doing it in some way, shape, or form before, and make him, like, understand that, like, it's unacceptable and that he should never do it again, and that... I guess the only part that I guess I left out, and this was not intentional, was that you had inflicted real trauma.

Leah Yeah, that's unfortunate, because that's the whole purpose of the entire reason why I wanted you to speak to him. And you intentionally left that out.

Tristan I did not intentionally...

Leah I know it wasn't intentional in the way that you're thinking, but it was, like, you know, subconscious in a way that you didn't want to provoke him further with that. And I don't know, like, that's where I guess I got upset this morning when you gave me the relay of your conversation, because you missed out on that part. And that's also because you guys only had so little time to talk. But Arjun, like, just gave it the whole purpose, because Arjun does not understand that he hurt me. He thinks that he fucked up, and oh yeah, that was weird. Oopsies.

Tristan But no, I mean, I said it hurt you, and that it was, like...

Leah Yeah, you didn't explain how, and why. You're trying your best, baby, like, it's... Again, like, it's not... I don't think that part is worth even, you know, it's not productive to talk about, because what's done is done, and the fact is that there needs to be another conversation with Arjun to fill in the rest. Yeah, I mean, thanks for finally believing me, I guess, and how hurtful that was to me, even though I have spent six months begging and crying. How many times? Ten plus five still? This is so hurtful to me. Why won't you just believe that? And you're like, you know, it's not that hurtful, because this is just a one-off situation, you know? He's a good person outside of this. He saved my life once. So, you know, he can't inflict that kind of harm, because he's never gone at me.

Tristan Yeah, I'm not really going to touch on that, but... But if you want...

Leah Yeah, I mean, it's also like a fascinating question of genuine, like, how... What level of harm does a man have to achieve? Do I have to be dead? Do I have to be raped for people to believe me? To take my safety seriously and hold these people accountable? Like, what does it take? If this happened, I don't know, with another one of your friends, what does it take? Because this is at the top. This is as bad as it fucking gets, and it's not taking for you. You're not understanding how bad it is.

Tristan I'm absorbing it, let's say.

Tristan But yeah, again, I think that, like, what he did was really fucking wrong. And yeah, I agree that he should, like, understand that fully as well. And if it takes, like, beating him up, or anything that's the appropriate course of action, I mean...

Leah It's the only one that would let you remain, like... It's not even about letting you, because again, like, I don't want you to cut off or be friends with me. I want you to not be friends with evil people out of your own volition.

Tristan But like, but that's where I'm like...

Leah Where you don't believe that he's evil. Yeah, I gather that. How much does it take? How many people does he have to hurt? How many more women?

Tristan I just have never, like, witnessed that, to that degree. That's where it's, like, difficult for me to process, too.

Leah It's unfortunate that you can't just, like, trust and believe in me. That's it.

Tristan Like, no, no, no, I believe that this was bad, but I just, I find it hard to believe that he has caused equal harm to, like, every woman he's encountered. Like, even more than...

Leah I'm gonna lose myself.

Tristan I'm just trying, baby, baby, I'm just asking.

Leah I like you, but... This is, like, seriously, this is getting worse, this is very bad, it's getting worse. Honestly, no matter what happens with Arjun, if you do not understand how bad this is... I understand that this... Arjun is a fucking disgusting person. I understand that you don't think that, but you need to trust me on this. Like, that's all I'm asking you for. Please, just fucking believe me. I don't know what it takes to convince you, I know that he's been great to you your whole fucking life. He was fucking horrific to me. That is not a good person. That is not a good person fucking up and doing bad things. That is a fucking horrific person. What Arjun... he admitted to you that he did that intentionally.

Tristan No!

Leah Wait, it's not... no! Yes, it is.

Tristan Wait, when did I say that? Well, he admitted that he had been... Like, that he did have a tendency to fucking dig deep on people, but... Like... Yeah, I don't know.

Leah There you go. Like, you love Arjun so much that you're blindsided by the fact that he straight up told you he manipulates people regularly. And probes into personal things that are none of his fucking business. And asserts his power over other people for no fucking reason, other than he's on a power trip. And you think that's a good person.

Tristan I don't know how to approach this. I've seen him be on much better behavior for a lot longer than I've ever seen him do that.

Leah I'm sure you have. Narcissists and manipulators are very good at acting normal. But clearly Arjun can't hold his shit together all the time.

Tristan Yeah. I don't know. Sorry. I was just trying to voice my experience.

Leah I will never hear again about Arjun being a good person. He is not. I know that you don't understand that or believe that right now. But he is a vile, nasty little fucking creeper. And I think my conversation with him will bring that out. Because I think that's what's going to happen. I'm hoping that Arjun will repent and we can have a little restorative justice session where I go at it with him. And then it would be solved and done because that's what a normal kind person would do. But Arjun's probably going to get so fucking stem-boy defensive and start acting like a little man because he's going to lose all power that he has. I could fucking rip his life out from under him right now. He has nothing. No teeth or skin in the game. I have it all. So we'll see how he responds to that. There's two ways. Men will either start attacking you back, which is what I think is going to happen, or he will repent. And even if he does repent, it doesn't mean that he's a good person. That means that he's just a fucking average human being. I also think you don't understand the gravity of the comments that were said to me and how intentional that was and how that was built up from the ground out of prejudice against me. Again, I don't think you understand the historical context behind the words that were used and how he connected it to hysteria.

Tristan Oh, wait. My mom is yelling out for me. What? What? She called for me and I tried to answer and she didn't say anything. Anyway, sorry.

Leah Apparently we just killed a non-Supreme leader.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Yeah, I don't know what to do because fundamentally too, if you're unable to understand the gravity of how bad Arjun's behavior was and how this is a bigger reflection of him as a person and not just some one-off instance, I cannot do that. That in itself. I was not prepared for it to come down to that, but it looks like it is.

Tristan Come down to what? Sorry.

Leah The ultimate fundamental thing of, it spawns so many other issues, is if you're unable to believe that what Arjun did was that horrific and you're unable to understand what that means in a greater context of him being a fucking dangerous person to be around, then I can't deal with you. If you were willing to let people do that to me and do nothing about it.

Tristan I don't agree about doing nothing about it.

Leah You're doing something six months later.

Tristan I tried doing something six months ago.

Leah Yeah, and that was not on your own. That's also, that would be reason enough in itself to break off with you and that's why I did the first time. Because I will never be able to be safe around you if you don't understand what safety entails.

Tristan Let's just say also that I have like hundreds more tools at my disposal right now for identifying situations like this, like understanding what's going on, seeing the injustices, seeing the broader context, which are all different. All tools that I did not have at the time.

Leah No, you had all those tools, it was called me telling you, you weren't listening and you could have gone on Google or read any of the papers that I sent you or asked me, you know, let's have a conversation about this. I don't understand this. Let's keep going through this until I get it. Because clearly this is something that's hurting you and if I don't understand that, that's going to put you more at risk. Like, it's a matter of critical thinking and it's like, it's weaponizing concepts and I hate using that term, it's so fucking overplayed, but that's exactly what it is.

Tristan I mean, like honestly, I am genuinely trying to understand it. It's like sometimes I am scared to ask a question because it would completely backfire on me.

Leah Yeah, I mean, not going to lie, some of the stuff that you have said to me and asked is like extremely concerning and I know that you're...

Tristan Like purely out of trying to understand more. Like that's the only reason I'm asking those things. I'm not trying to make a point. I'm not trying to like assert my own judgment. I'm legitimately trying to understand better the situation and your perspective.

Leah Yeah, I know. My, I guess my point is that, like, the reason that you're asking those questions and the reason that you don't already know the answer is concerning.

Leah And that's where I get frustrated because you've asked me some pretty frankly misogynist things in response to this. You remember at the beginning where you were like, but how do you know that he was being sexist towards you? He would do that to a man. Like, it's incredible. That's just fucking straight up misogyny. Which is in all of us. We all have it internalized somewhere, but that's what's concerning me. And that's, you know, what I'm considering, I don't know, breaking up over is how much internalized misogyny do you still have left in there? Are you willing to work on it? Because I know that you are on paper, but in terms of actually doing the work, it's not easy and you're seeing the reality of it. Calling out your male friends and holding them accountable, and that's not easy to do.

Tristan Yeah, I mean, like, let's also say that I've been doing like a continuous crash course on feminism for like the past eight months.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah, and I think, baby, if I was misogynistic, I would not be, you know, caring for you, like loving you, trying to maintain the relationship.

Leah Let's not go down that path. It's not an argument.

Tristan Look, I mean, from my perspective.

Leah That's not OK, baby. That's actually the point. Misogyny is not this like big bad thing that you can point out and go, oh, yeah, that's fucking misogyny right there. Like, I would not be with you if I was misogynist, whatever. Misogyny is much more low key than that. It's kind of like racism and these microaggressive dog whistles where like, you know, to a normal person or a white person, that might sound fine, but to another person is actually something fucking horrific. We all have internalized misogyny. I tell you all the time, most misogynistic people in the world are women. If you think that you have gotten it all out of you, you're fucking wrong because we all have it. I'm still fucking heavily internalized misogynistic.

Tristan I never claimed that I'm like a fucking god and that I don't have any in me, but I'm just saying that like I've been monotonically being better. And again, like I would not have considered myself misogynistic from the beginning, but being with you, I see it a lot more in the world and I'm a lot more conscious of it. It's a fucking active process. Like I can't count on 23 years of womanhood.

Leah I know you do. So that's why when I tell you something, the only solution is for you to trust me. Like that's the same relationship that I have with all my philosophers. I trust that these are people with greater lived experience than me and have completely fucking horrific lives compared to mine. They're probably on to something. Yeah, but like, I don't know, this was like a huge life-altering crisis. There's many times in our relationship where like a lot of our problems just simply wouldn't have happened if it was with other women because they would have believed me from the start. I mean, like all of these conversations that we have had, that is like draining my soul and my spirit to like have to explain my humanity to you and like prove to you that Arjun did in fact treat me like a subhuman.

Tristan Like I'm not trying to say that that whole dinner conversation was appropriate, justifiable, reasonable, acceptable in any way.

Leah You don't think it was as bad as it was. I'm like, I can't tell you enough. I don't know how to phrase this any differently. What Arjun said to me is legal grounds for his license to be removed, which means that thousands of legal academics have sat in a room and discussed how unethical this issue is and how that puts people at risk. Like people are put into jail for what Arjun said. If he did that in a professional setting, he would have been put into jail. Do you realize, like, this is something that pretty much everyone agrees on, you cannot say misogynistic things and assume things out of a place of prejudice? And I don't know if you understand hysteria, like hysterical personality disorder.

Tristan Wait, can you repeat that? It cut out.

Leah BPD is the hysteric disorder, baby. Like that's the one that I've never even seen on the internet, people accusing themselves or each other of having BPD because it's such a vile and nasty thing to say. And when you say that, like the historical context behind that is basically saying like, yeah, you should be locked up in a psych ward because you're not a fucking human, you have BPD. You're fucking crazy. You're hysterical.

Tristan Yeah, I don't have...

Leah I don't know about the historical connotations of saying that to me, too. Like that's...

Tristan Yeah, low key from my point of view, I did not know about the historical connotations. I guess it probably would be different for like, I guess pharmacy would have touched on that.

Leah Yeah, he knows. He knows exactly what that is. He knows all about the history of the psych ward in America and how those came to be. Those psych wards from the 1940s and 50s, all the women in there, all diagnosed with hysteria. Also now reclassified as BPD. Also, like, again, someone calling your girlfriend a psych ward patient when I am just completely nice and my idiot ass, what was I doing? I was fucking buying him drinks.

Tristan Yeah, I understand the pain and the frustration. I can't live it. I believe you when you say that you're hurting and that you're hurt.

Leah Yeah, I don't feel safe.

Leah Really, really, really, really good reason to not feel safe. Maybe in high school I had a kid bullying me. I told you that they would make Instagram pages.

Tristan Yeah, it was just fucking crazy that anybody would target something like that.

Leah But yeah, and they would write like thousand word things, captions, comments from every single person in my high school saying I should kill myself. Go get the razors, give directions on how to do it. And not a single one of those people — and they were all accusing me of being crazy — not a single one of those people accused me of having fucking BPD. They wouldn't, like, frankly, they were fucking kids. But that was there. That was very much so a known thing and a known attack. And not even the people writing my fucking suicide manifestos said that to me. But wait, like honest, frank question.

Tristan Do you feel like Arjun having insinuated that you had BPD is worse than like, fleshed out descriptions of how you should kill yourself?

Leah Yes. Well, yeah. Particularly because I didn't know Arjun and I had only interacted with him once. Like those things about killing myself, those were empty baseless things from just angry kids. They don't mean anything. But from Arjun, that means something. Because also saying that is basically like telling someone to kill themselves. You have BPD, you're subhuman, no one cares about what you have to think. You're never going to have any sort of credibility because you're mentally ill. That's like the meaning of that. That's what it ends up coming out to is that it's basically telling me to kill myself. Especially because the average lifespan of someone with BPD is 26. Because they all kill themselves. That's how many kill themselves.

Tristan That's crazy.

Leah Yeah, Arjun really did say to me, this one needs to be locked up. Kind of how I ended up in military school, I guess.

Tristan Yeah, maybe. At this point I feel like also my next steps, already assuming that I trust and believe you, is like understanding the historical context behind BPD. Because I honestly did not know all of its implications.

Leah Maybe I kind of just assumed that you knew because I assumed that everyone at some point gets a hyperfixation on the psych wards of the 1950s and learns about why they existed. But yeah, psychiatry was literally developed to lock women like me away. Because we are political and we say no to men raping us. A lot of psychiatry was literally established to make marital rape legal by drugging the women. Like there's tons of history around that. Maybe that's what Caliban and the Witch is all about. That book is my favorite book ever. It's about how the witch trials led to the psych wards. And how this is still going on today in different ways. Just like in exactly the way that Arjun did. So I don't know, that's also why it hurts a million times more. These idiot kids telling me to kill myself in a fucking high school. This came from an adult with all this entire history and practice and hysteria and everything. It was completely calculated. It happened in front of people. He also used my military school against me where I was locked up for being myself. And basically reiterated that. Said, you know, they were not wrong to do that to you. No wonder, girl, you got BPD.

Tristan Did he know about the military school stuff? Did he know about the military school?

Leah Yes, he did. It was discussed very briefly with him outside. But he got the full synopsis of my life. I think Rachel was more concerned with my abusive parents. Asking me if I have a support group. Which is also like saying go fuck yourself, crazy bitch.

Leah Yeah, that's also where the BPD thing comes from. Because he knew about military school. The only reason they knew about that is because I think Rachel asked me why I wanted to go into law. And I said, this is why.

Leah He weaponized military school. Being a child slave. That was actually brought up to you pretty immediately. Because that was like my first reaction. That I can never tell people that that happened to me ever again. Because they will use it against me. And it's true. Every time I tell someone I went to military school they ask, what did you do to deserve that? What did I deserve to be a fucking child slave? Apparently BPD.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Yeah.

Leah What are you typing about? What are you typing about? Are you texting?

Tristan No, I'm fucking staring into the wall.

Leah I heard typing two seconds ago. But, yeah. I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm begging. My last time just begging to be seen as a human.

Tristan Yeah. Vivi, I understand that the pain is real. That the hurt inflicted, or like the damage inflicted was real. And there's like no way to reason that, you know, that conversation was innocent or something.

Leah Yeah. It was calculated and intentional. This is not just, you know, Arjun just vibing and this being them meeting your girlfriend for the first time and being excited to, you know, get to know me and grill me a little bit about am I going to be good to you, especially after the last girlfriend, and he took that as an excuse to attack, to fucking fully attack me for absolutely no fucking reason.

Tristan I don't know what to do now either. I'm fully on board with putting every effort I can to understand the entire gravity of this. And I do feel like through every conversation I am making progress.

Leah Yeah. This is also a conversation that I've been making progress on the flip side. But it's like, I am selling a part of my soul to the devil to have to explain this. I'm like, I know that there's no other way. But it's like, it's my responsibility to fix this. Well, it's my responsibility to explain how and why I was victimized to people, which is just sad.

Tristan Yeah, I agree.

Leah And can you understand why that's hard?

Tristan Like to give you broader context, maybe before meeting you, I did not know about military school. Like that's just how far removed I was from that world.

Leah Yeah, well to be honest, I guess like you also did not grow up in America, but Arjun knows what it is. You know, I explained the troubled teen industry to them that day. But yeah. But that's not the issue. Arjun just happened to weaponize that against me, which is even more profoundly sad. He heard about the destruction, the abuse, military school, and used BPD.

Tristan Okay. Maybe I'd be willing to take every step I can to like understand and resolve the situation better.

Leah That's a good start. It wouldn't work without that too, of course. I think we should probably see each other if that's possible. We were fighting all day. We could rest and take time, but like, you know, try and get in the mood before going out tonight.

Tristan Yeah, I agree. I guess, yeah, just like, I guess I just need for like an hour or two, you know, kind of gather myself. I also have basically just stayed in underwear all day, need to shower and, you know.

Leah Yeah, we basically just had this one conversation.

Tristan Mm-hmm.

Leah Yeah. I mean, like also, like again, maybe you don't have to go through with any of this stuff with Arjun and drop the whole thing. That would be the nuclear option. I'm just putting it out there. Like, I don't know, if being with me is too much work, just tell me.

Tristan No, I'm just trying to navigate the situation.

Leah Yeah, I'll give you space. I love you.

Leah I'm glad, like you're coming around on this and you finally realize how hurtful it was and how bad it is.

Tristan Yeah. No, I'm fucking making progress, baby.

Leah I'm sorry. I'm sorry to fucking fight with you. I hate getting like that.

Tristan Me too. I'm sorry to put us in this situation. I'm sorry that Arjun fucking acted that way.

Leah Yeah. No, we're gonna get ourselves out of this situation. So I guess also while you're taking a break and space, I'll figure out what I'm gonna text Arjun. If you want to set it up. Otherwise I can text him and be like, hey — I'm gonna be nice in my text because you gotta attract him with a little bit of honey first. But if Arjun doesn't respond, I will respond back with something more aggressive.

Leah Do you want to text him and be like, hey, she'd love to speak at some point this week? Ask him, can you do Thursday at like 8 p.m. and see how that works?

Tristan Like, I think I might have some trouble doing that if I'm being fully honest.

Leah Yeah. I love you.

Tristan Okay, I love you.

Leah Can't help it.

Tristan Alright baby, I love you. I'll keep you posted, okay?

Leah I love you.

Tristan I mean, I don't know, just the situation as a whole, like, I really wish it didn't come to, like, you know, threatening to hit him or to, like, try to take away his license.

Leah I'm not threatening him at all. I'm not threatening him with anything. There is no threat of any kind. I mean, there would be Arjun agreeing to do that completely on his own will, and it would not be with the threat of his license. I might report him anyway because of this, because what he did puts people at risk, and it is highly illegal. And it should not have happened, and he took an oath, and he swore to uphold that. He broke the law. I had nothing to do with that. That was all on Arjun. In fact, the whole idea of me giving him a form of, if he wants to apologize — that would be the only way that I would accept an apology. That is not contingent on me reporting him whatsoever. That would more so be if he realizes the harm that he's done, then I would consider not reporting him because he would maybe not do that again. But without that, there's no other way. I had nothing to do with this. This is all on Arjun.

Tristan Yeah. I mean, like, low-key, just from seeing the screenshots of the text you sent.

Leah He's not going to want to talk, but that's fine. I'm happy to report him, because that's what he wants. This will go on to his permanent record, and it probably won't do anything about it, but the next time that someone complains about Arjun, he will lose his license, and who knows? They might do it over this. I don't know. So, I don't know. If I was Arjun's friend, I'd probably call him and be like, hey, she wants to go nuclear, or you can talk to her and solve the whole thing.

Tristan This is just fucking weird to have this situation.

Leah Yeah, baby, and I'm defending myself because you couldn't, and this is not even about myself, it's about other women, and Arjun, this is a pattern. I am not the first person. He has made these fucked up comments too. Like, I am happy to hire a lawyer. I'm that level of pissed at Arjun. And if you don't support me defending myself, then just tell me, and let's just leave it at that.

Tristan I mean, I support your health and safety and happiness and everything.

Leah But you don't support accountability. You don't agree with that. You don't agree with what accountability looks like.

Tristan Well, accountability doesn't look like him getting beat up.

Leah No, no, that would be accountability. Oh my God, I did not mean it literally like that. I wish that that was a fucking possibility, but it's not. Jesus. That would be more so like him saying, I'm so fucking sorry, go ahead and hit me.

Leah That's it. It's not contingent on anything. It's not threatening.

Tristan But it's like, well, OK, you're forgetting that like the beating up thing, it's like you said it's all on his own. But you just texted him like, I need to have a conversation with you. By the way, here's your pharmacy license number.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah He didn't accept my request and it's completely legal to do.

Tristan I mean, nobody's going to argue about the legality of filing a complaint.

Leah No coercion, no nothing.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah That would be a hypothetical dream scenario of mine if Arjun would apologize. In a perfect world.

Tristan Well, then I guess like if I understand you better, then I mean, yeah, like this conversation sounds reasonable. I just like, I can try to get him to have it. But I think, as you say, like there is a chance that he would avoid engaging.

Leah Yeah. And all he has to do is apologize. But they refuse to do that. You guys cannot take accountability. It's a fascinating phenomenon. All I'm asking for is a fucking apology from him. That's it.

Tristan OK, that's very reasonable. It sounds very different than what you were saying over the phone before. That's kind of what scared me.

Leah Well, I don't know. I might change my mind. Depends on how Arjun fucking reacts to me. Clearly, he's got issues with women. So I would assume he's going to have an issue with me confronting him over his issues with women. But also, like everything I was saying earlier, still valid to feel that way. There is nothing wrong with anything that I've done. Arjun should have the shit beat out of him. You should have done that yourself. The second that I came to you and told you what he had done, that is what my boyfriend would have done in my head. That's what I would have done for you without a fucking question.

Tristan I mean, obviously, yeah, I recognize I could have been more intercepting in the moment. Even afterwards. I'm sorry about that.

Leah I don't know what to do, baby. Because I think that this has made you check out of our relationship. And it's fucking terrifying to me.

Tristan It's just like I've been put in a really, really fucking rough position right now.

Leah No, you put yourself in that position. You had six months. Six months. To have a conversation with Arjun.

Tristan Which I tried to do, but.

Leah Not really. You tried once and Arjun did exactly what I told you he would do. Gaslighted and manipulated you. He shut you down. He treated you like a subhuman. He didn't do anything about it. So, I mean, like, how much do I have to mentally prepare to break up right now? What are you telling me? You have shown me like you're not willing to defend me in dangerous situations.

Tristan Of course, I'm willing to defend you.

Leah You're willing in your head, but in terms of actually doing it, you're not. You have shown me time and time again.

Tristan I don't know, like confronting somebody and providing them with the whole context of everything that you just taught me about, like the entire context of the situation. It feels like a very difficult task for me to be able to relay to him if I haven't even fully grasped it. And, you know, like I've been trying to, but it's like, I think it's hard for me to be able to open that conversation with him with a fucking, you know, intellectual shank of like here's everything you did wrong, here's exactly why it's so wrong, you should fucking reflect on that. Like I just really just don't have the tools for that.

Leah And like, yeah, baby, that's why I tried to talk to Arjun myself, but you told me, you know, I can do it. I'm confident in myself to be able to do it.

Tristan And I did. I did. But like, obviously, I can't grasp the entire everything.

Leah But like, the thing is that you didn't need to do that, baby. You just didn't relay to him that he traumatized me at all. Like you relayed it as if this was just like a mundane situation. You know, that was a fuck up. Like you did not express the gravity of how horrific what he said was and why that crosses his board, his code of ethics. He's wearing a coat, they literally make them raise their right hand and say, you know, I will not fucking do this to people. And he does that.

Leah Like you're right. And I agree with you. You shouldn't have to be in this position at all. And I said that. I tried to solve it through you and do it the less combative route. This way is the other way. It's the only thing that makes me feel safe. Knowing that Arjun cannot do this to other people.

Tristan Well, again, I'm like, yeah, I'm fully on board with having a conversation with him about this.

Leah Yeah, you just don't think he's going to. That's on Arjun. He'll get a permanent fucking mark on his record. There's nothing to do with either one of us, actually. Like that's not anything to feel bad about. That's Arjun. That's the consequences of his actions.

Tristan Yeah. I mean, like, fair enough.

Leah Yeah, and we should not be in this position at all. None of this should be happening at all. Who is it happening because of? Who did this? Who is the person to be angry at right now?

Leah But if you're willing to choose, you know, to throw my safety away in the name of your best friend and the character of a best friend, just let me know, baby, because I love you so much. But you know, I always have this fucking like impending feeling that you just don't love me in the same way. And this is like one of the situations where it comes out.

Tristan Baby, I want to be as supportive as possible. And I've made attempts at understanding this, trying to resolve this, although I agree that, yeah, it's inadequate, but I have tried. I love you. I've been trying to fully understand your perspective on all of this. And I'm sorry that I can't supply the confrontational approach to how to make him understand it. Like I tried. I did confront him, but not with wielding the power of all this history and context and systemic issues. And even like as a man, like how am I supposed to explain to another man? Like, is that even possible? Like, I don't think that...

Leah It is, baby. Like the fact that you think that you can't, you need to unwind that.

Tristan Because that's like kind of what I tried to do. But now you're saying, yeah, there's this whole other layer to it that I did not communicate to him.

Leah I specifically told you to tell him those things. I told you these are the list of the things. My main point is don't do this to other women.

Tristan Yeah, that I covered. I went very deep on that.

Leah You left out the whole traumatizing her part.

Tristan Yeah, well, I was saying, yeah, I was emphasizing that you were extremely hurt and like I think I didn't use the word dehumanized, but I made very strong allusions to it in like several different ways. And yeah, I mean, like, OK, I didn't use the word traumatized or trauma.

Leah It doesn't even need to be that, but just words like horrific, vile, nasty, not OK, disgusting.

Tristan Yeah, like I went over a lot of those. Yeah.

Leah OK, well. I don't have a choice. I have tried to think outside of the box for six months and I don't have a choice. What he did is fucking morally indefensible, unimaginable, and discriminatory. That behavior.

Tristan Yeah, I did emphasize also the history of like misogyny and medicine and stuff like that.

Leah Yeah, which he knows all about. I want to know too, like it's even worse that Arjun did that because he's POC and he's aware of how medicine marginalizes people. He knows all about history of that, which is why it's bad that he did that. That's the oath that he swore to uphold. Just a basic code of ethics. Like maybe that's where the disconnect is — like that's why it's so horrific. That's why it's worse than, you know, my high school bullies or my rapists, because Arjun knew better and he chose to attack for absolutely no fucking reason. I was nothing but fucking nice to him. I was trying to talk to him. It was a basic conversation and I get hate crimed — like it was a hate crime, literally. But I worry that there's nothing that I can say or do to explain like how much I'm hurt by this. And I'm worried that mentally you will always find a way to rationalize what Arjun did because of his previously good character and your relationship with him. And that puts me in danger because I can't feel safe when you don't realize that there's an unsafe person around.

Tristan But, you know, again, there's no reason for you to ever interact. And that doesn't mean that that's any sort of like...

Leah I understand that, but let's remember our earlier conversation about that. I'm going to be hurt every time you go to hang out with him. I speak with him and I guess it's like in my mind metaphorically, that's like you going to hang out with my rapist and I'm just supposed to deal with that because he's your friend and you love him. And that's been going on for the past six months. And I'm not doing well. It's eating me from the inside out and I can't do that. And I don't deserve that. Yeah, and I would never do that to you ever.

Leah Do you even want me to look at the fucking flight to Europe? Like, be sure that you even want me because I don't think that you do. And this situation is just...

Tristan I do. But like, no, it's like I had to...

Leah You know, you have other priorities. The priority should be safety. I don't know why we're even talking anymore about this.

Leah Like the fact that I'm just a footnote to you. My safety. Maybe that's what I've been sitting with.

Tristan I mean, like...

Leah You didn't even know.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, I understand. Yeah. Well, let me just say, no matter what happens, even theoretically, like me cutting him off and whatever, no matter what, even if by whatever fucking weird thing we ran into him in some fucking bookshop or whatever context, he would never harm you again. Like, he understands that.

Leah I don't care. I don't care. I don't want him in my life at all. In any capacity.

Tristan I agree.

Leah Or near another person. Even if it's vicariously through you, that is still my life. You are my life. You're my fucking everything.

Tristan Yeah, baby. You're my life too. Fucking... Difficult. But again, I'm fully on board with this conversation happening. As in, not just for the sake of us, but yeah, for the sake of everybody else in the world that Arjun will end up affecting. Yeah.

Leah I don't know what to do. Yeah.

Leah Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Tristan I mean... All we can do for now is fucking best effort, you know?

Leah Yeah. Yeah. You know, I hope the effort is put into trying to understand more about where I'm coming from.

Tristan Baby, I really am.

Leah Like... How it upsets me when you say, you know, but like, he wouldn't hurt you in public if we saw him again. Like, that's a rationalization for you keeping him around. He won't be in your life. You won't hear about it.

Tristan That's not rationalization about him being my friend. That's rationalization about your own personal safety.

Leah I'm not worried about Arjun in public because I could snap that motherfucker in between my fucking toes.

Tristan But like, public or private is what I meant. I didn't mean to imply in public.

Leah Yeah, but like you said as an example several times, like, you know, me being friends with Arjun would not change our relationship because you wouldn't see him. But it has and it will. And it will make me uncomfortable knowing that you're going to hang out with someone who hurt me so badly. That's it. And I want you to think about the ways that you rationalize that. Because I get where you're coming from. I really do. I almost agree with you on some points, but at the end of the day, Arjun in my life, vicariously through you, is continuing the trauma for me and it's extending it.

Tristan Well, I don't want that to happen.

Leah Yeah, but it's just like, I don't know, a question for you. This is a relationship that you clearly value. You're not willing to let your relationship with Arjun end because he said horrific things to me. That's something to think about too. Like, maybe the fact that I've had to beg you to, one, believe me, and two, do something about the situation. Not rationalize Arjun's behavior, like his presence in your life, as normal or, you know, "he would do that to a man too." Like, I want you to think about everything that's happened. Like, maybe I'm on my last legs. Like, I have endured so much disrespect from you and Arjun over this situation that I'm now getting the wake up call of I physically cannot bear to go through this anymore. I'm super fucking behind in school and I've spent all day fucking anxious sweating through the sheets instead of doing my shit. Like, these are situations that would not be happening at all if men were not in my life and because of men in my life I'm falling behind. Emotionally, physically, the whole thing. Like, it was a humiliating experience for me having to beg my own boyfriend to defend me. And believe me, that's grounds enough for... I don't believe you. I don't respect you.

Tristan That's not what I believe.

Leah I don't respect you enough to defend you from someone who did something evil. I don't respect you enough to not go hang out with someone who harmed you.

Leah I know you're not the one to jump up and fight. I know you're not confrontational. I know you're not like that. But just out of instinct to defend the people that you love. I mean, I want someone who would fucking beat the shit out of Arjun the first fucking instance or whiff of anything. I need someone to trust me.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. It was inadequate.

Leah Can you hear me? Yeah. I mean, if you feel that way, like, it's okay. You can tell me that. I just need to know. Like, I can't fight for me to be seen as a human in front of you any more than I already have.

Tristan Like, okay, so what I'm really having trouble reconciling is I don't discount the fact that what he said, what he did, his attitude and everything was terrible. I don't discount that at all. I believed everything that happened that night, the way you describe it.

Leah Months later, though.

Tristan Yeah. Although, like, yeah, it's been like, yeah. What I'm having trouble reconciling is the response. Like, I feel like putting my best effort into trying to make him understand not repeating it again, plus you being able to understand more deeply how it affected you personally, that feels like an appropriate response. But it just feels like all of a sudden it's turned into these much greater strokes of, I don't know, somehow not wanting to protect you or something. Like, because I agree that what he did was bad, but I just, I do also, in a way, disagree that this verbal encounter is grounds to completely just cut off. And, you know, I mean, that's just as bluntly as I can put it. Like, I agree that there needs to be justice.

Leah Because you don't think that a verbal encounter was harmful enough to warrant a cutoff.

Tristan I think a single verbal encounter is not enough.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan And, but maybe that's just, like, deep down, like, also, it's not saying that this didn't happen. Like, I honestly fully believe you, and the hurt and the pain is real and the trauma is real.

Leah I have been begging and pleading with you to understand that one verbal encounter — look what it's done. Look what it's done to our relationship. Look what it's done to me. The fact that you don't, like, just because it was one verbal encounter, that's not enough to warrant a cutoff. Because, you know, it wasn't harmful enough. It should have happened multiple times. So that's why I'm asking, you know, at what level of harm do men have to commit for you to believe that women are hurting? That was as horrific as it was. That's what I've been begging you to understand today. You may not agree with it, with what you're saying. You don't agree that one bad thing is enough for a cutoff. But maybe that's why I'm asking you to trust me. I'm telling you, it was fucking horrific.

Leah If you believe that I'm hurt, you shouldn't be questioning this.

Tristan Baby, I believe that you're hurt. I'm not just—

Leah But not bad enough. Not that bad. It was just once.

Tristan I'm just, it's really, really hard for me to reconcile because I've seen thousands of his interactions with women, with men.

Leah Again, I cannot hear about this.

Tristan Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

Leah You know, the way that he was so normal, we were all friends with him. I never expected that from him. He was so nice outside of when he was doing something fucking evil. That's not an excuse. That's not a track record. That's not like, you know, first time offense. This is not the way to be looking at this fucking situation. This is not his first offense. This is a pattern of evil fucking behavior. And I've had to beg you throughout this entire process to see me as a human, and I cannot do it for one second longer. So I don't know. I don't even know how we would fucking break up.

Tristan Baby, like, I still don't want to break up.

Leah No, but you're leaving me with no choice. I'm just trying to have an— I've humiliated myself in this situation. I have never felt so fucking dehumanized. And I especially did not expect that from you. It does not matter how many times I get on the phone with you and beg and cry and scream, this man hurt me, this man hurt me. And you have the audacity to come to me and say, oh, but it wasn't enough for me to cut him off.

Tristan I don't think that his behavior was good or justified or should ever be repeated.

Leah But you don't agree that it's enough to cut him off. I understand. That fundamentally puts me in danger. I know you don't understand that, but you don't trust me and you don't believe me.

Tristan I trust—

Leah I'm not a person to you.

Tristan Of course you are, baby.

Leah Honestly, I'm starting to not think so. So—

Tristan Baby, I'm just trying to be as freaking not impartial—

Leah You're trying to be impartial about a not impartial situation. I understand you're trying to give him all fair credit for all that you've been through. This has gone beyond that. So if I have to boil our relationship ending down to my boyfriend wants to go hang out with fucking men who hate crimed me, that might be where we're at. I don't know. That seems to be what you're telling me.

Tristan I think that his behavior of creeping you out is inexcusable and like fucking terrible. Like I— and I would not want to hang out with somebody who does that repeatedly. Or even sporadically.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah So what's the issue? You just said you would not want to be around someone who's nasty like that. But you don't believe that Arjun is like that. You don't believe that what he said was that bad.

Tristan I think that what he said was that bad. But again, like— I don't know how to verbalize it, but—

Leah I mean, baby, you already did. You think that what he did was horrific, but not horrific enough for you to cut him off?

Tristan Well, because I've seen him in thousands of interactions.

Leah I don't care.

Tristan I know, but like—

Leah But you're hurting me.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah What else is there to fucking discuss? Seriously break up then. If you want to go hang out with creepy fucking men. You won't believe me when I say that they're fucking creepy and terrible people.

Tristan Baby, it's just an impossible situation.

Leah It's not impossible.

Tristan Yeah, it is. It's really, really difficult to weigh—

Leah It's very simple. If you prioritize your relationship with rapists over your girlfriend, we're done.

Tristan I agree. I would not associate with a rapist.

Leah Clearly you are. So conversation over. Like, that's your whole thesis. You don't understand. You agree, but you don't understand. You don't trust me enough for whatever fucking reason.

Tristan It's not about—

Leah You're leaving me with no choice.

Tristan It's not about trust, but I fully trust you with the experience.

Leah You don't believe me? I don't know what it is. You don't believe me? You don't trust me? Whatever word you want to use, you do not agree with the gravity of how bad that was.

Tristan Because—

Leah That is not okay.

Tristan Because—

Leah That is objectively wrong.

Tristan Okay, but to put it bluntly, from my point of view, this feels like judging a person on one action compared to a thousand actions.

Leah So are you going to not judge rapists for only being rapists once? You hear what you're saying?

Tristan Like, no, because that's like a very extreme example. No.

Leah I'm going to have a fucking aneurysm if we continue this conversation.

Tristan Yeah, I agree. I'm just like, it's fucking— I don't know how to reconcile all of these things.

Leah So take the time yourself and go think about it. And you're headed for the era of singledom because I do not deserve this. I cannot sit on the phone with you and beg for you to see me as a human who is hurt.

Tristan Baby, I see you as a human who is hurt. Okay?

Leah Do something about it. That's what you need to think about.

Tristan Well, I'm trying to take every action I can now to do something about it. But—

Leah Every action but cutting Arjun off.

Tristan Yes. For now.

Leah Yep.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Yep.

Tristan Yeah, I'm sorry, but—

Leah Yeah. All right. You said it. You want to go hang out with fucking creepy men over your fucking girlfriend? Go hang out with creepy men and uphold their fucking behavior.

Tristan Baby, I'm fully on board with holding his behavior accountable. I don't think he should get a pass for anything. But— But as you said—

Leah Yeah, you do. You just said Arjun had so many good other instances. I don't want to judge him off this one thing.

Tristan But like—

Leah That is a pass. You're giving a pass to misogyny.

Tristan I'm not giving a pass. I feel like it's a difference between incarceration and the death penalty.

Leah It's not.

Tristan Like it really is. Like there's a situation where objectively he did something bad. He did something bad.

Leah I'm literally starting to rip my own hair out. I'm not joking. I cannot have this conversation. I don't know what to do. I think we're done.

Tristan Baby, I'm just trying to fucking put the pieces together and understand the entire scope of this.

Leah I've done all that I can to show you how hurt I am, how fucked up this is, how it's going to continue to hurt me. You are not willing to understand, agree with that, whatever the disconnect is. You have made it clear. There's nothing that I can do to prove that it was that bad, that he deserves to not be talked to anymore after this. I deserve to feel safe. That's it. I cannot beg you for that any longer. It is humiliating. I never thought I would ever have to do this again. I don't know what the fuck we're going to do. We'll take it a day at a time. Men will always choose each other when allegations come out. And that's what you're doing.

Tristan I'm not excusing his behavior. I just think that the behavior—

Leah You've been hanging out with him again.

Tristan I think that the behavior—

Leah I don't know if you understand how hurtful that is.

Tristan The behavior should be handled and punished proportionally is what I feel.

Leah Proportionally? Really? Okay, then you would want me to go report him to the board right now without talking to him. You want to talk about proportions? Proportional would be Arjun in fucking jail for a hate crime, let alone discrimination. That was not just discrimination. That was a hate crime on top of discrimination. There will never be an equal proportion between me and Arjun because he is a fucking man, and he used the structure and manipulated it to get away with hate criming people because he knew that he could. That's why he entitled himself to saying all those things to me. You don't see it as proportionate because you don't understand the level of harm that's caused because you've never had that done to you. So you don't understand what it's like to feel that way and how horrific it really fucking is. It's just words. It just happened once.

Tristan Again, I'm not denying the act itself. I guess in a grand scheme way, I do feel like reformation is the better approach than death penalty.

Leah Yeah, well, I offered that up on the table, up to Arjun. But it's not the death penalty. You know what restorative justice is? Reformative justice? Both of them — it's about the victim. Both of those theories of law are aimed at how do we heal the victim. I'm telling you, this is what I need. You do not agree with that.

Tristan I'm just having trouble processing the entire extent of it.

Leah In order for me to feel safe again, I cannot have Arjun in my life in any capacity. That's a really fucking basic bare bones, very proportional request. That is actually doing nothing. That's implying that he's getting away with it.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Because no matter what, no matter how I try and hold him accountable, he'll get away with it. He's a fucking man. I can't ask for safety anymore. I can't. That should be a given.

Leah To me and you. And if that's not reciprocated, I don't have a choice.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Please, like, I don't know. Give me some time. I don't know. Don't take everything I said during this call at face value because, again, I don't fucking think about every single implication about what I say as I'm saying it. Baby, I'm always on the side of you being safe. It's like asking me to amputate a part of me. So, you know, I don't know if I can...

Leah I'm not asking you to do anything. You should want to keep me safe on your own beliefs and that's why I'm thinking about breaking up with you. This should not be me asking you to cut off your friends. It's not what I'm asking you to do.

Tristan Well, I've taken all the steps to make sure that he would never do that to you again. Which in terms of...

Leah Except the only main obvious one of him not being in my life.

Tristan So you are saying that you're...

Leah I'm not asking you to cut him off. I would hope out of basic decency and respect, mutual respect, that you would not go hang out with someone who hurt me in that way. Hurt me at all, but especially in that way. Especially in such a horrific way. Like, literally gender-based violence. Like, literally hatred. Like, literally. I'm not hyperbolizing or exaggerating. What Arjun did to me is a hate crime. A hate crime! A felony! A hate crime! Like, do I have to fucking, I don't know, go burn myself in front of the fucking Israeli embassy? Like, what is it going to take? You, just out of morality, good morals, being a good person, would intuitively not want to be around a person who's like that. Which you said earlier. But I don't think that you've grasped that that's who Arjun is. This person that you're protecting died a long fucking time ago. Whenever Arjun developed this fucking behavior. Maybe he was always like that. You just never knew. Because you're a man and you've never had to, I don't know, get hate crimed. If this was proportional, Arjun would be in jail. Maybe even prison. Think about that. And I'm just stuck hurting no matter what I fucking do. Even if I report him. Who's traumatized by this? Not Arjun. Who can't trust people? Who can't tell people basic fucking personal details about myself? Who can't have a normal conversation? There are so many fucking layers of trauma that Arjun has added to my life. And I was also in a fucking terrible time, like extra suicidal when it happened. And that drove me into more of a fucking spiral. Arjun is also directly a cause of why I ended up dropping out of school and why I got so fucking extra depressed and crazy last semester. What was I spiraling about the entire time? Why am I not doing my homework right now? Because I'm spiraling about Arjun.

Tristan I agree that that's not a good outcome.

Leah He has fucked my life up. This is not just some one-off oopsie daisy thing. Arjun is fucking evil. I know you don't understand that yet, but I can only beg you to see the human in me so many fucking times. So seriously, if I have to tell people that we broke up because you want to go hang out with a creep, are you fucking serious? You see my point?

Tristan ...

Leah What the fuck is going on? Next boyfriend doesn't defend me from creepy men and then goes to hang out with them. What the fuck is going on? And I already had this too. It just hit me today — this is the second time I've gone through this. Second time with my own boyfriend not fucking defending me from creepy men and saying, oh, they're my best friend. You and Freddy word for word saying they saved my life. So it's okay that they fucking did that.

Tristan I don't think it's okay that they did that.

Leah But that's your rationalization for not wanting to cut him off. That's not capital punishment. Capital punishment would just be regular accountability. The fact that you have to ask yourself, at what point of harm would Arjun have to inflict for you to cut him off? You have to wait for it to get to that point. And there are warning signs. These are it. I have Arjun's employer now too, by the way. He's on LinkedIn. Another avenue to pursue. That would be a proportional response. This is why you shouldn't have LinkedIn. Stupid idiot. Are we done? I don't know. You tell me. I don't want to be. I don't want that either.

Tristan Baby, come on. Like.

Leah I cannot. I'll say it one last time. You're choosing to go hang out with a man who hate crimed me and hurt me. Not just creeped me out — that does not even cover the gravity of the situation. And you're going to continue to go hang out with him. You would not want me doing that to you.

Tristan I mean, no, I obviously wouldn't want you to do that. I really just can't respond appropriately right now. I don't want us to break up. I'm fucking turmoiling about potentially having to cut off Arjun. Like, I can't be snapping my fingers and making all these assertive statements about what I can and won't do right now.

Leah You made your choice.

Tristan Maybe I really didn't. Like.

Leah Maybe you have. You've done it for six months, every month in a row. And I have been so forgiving every single fucking time thinking that you would stand up for me. Thinking, it's just the executive dysfunction, you're not confrontational, etc. We're going to be patient. And I fucking had to say it. Sage was fucking right. I can't get over that. I can't get over the fact that you're hanging out with someone who hurt me. I'm sorry that I can't. I really am. I feel horrible. I feel very guilty about it. I do not want you to have to cut off your best friend. But I also cannot ask someone in my life to put me in danger. Regardless of us apparently breaking up.

Tristan Baby, I don't want that to happen. I just can't fucking be like, okay, let me cut off Arjun right now. Bye. I just can't do that right now. I'm not trying to defend him. I'm not trying to protect him. It's just fucking psychologically difficult.

Leah I understand.

Tristan Baby, I don't want to break up. I want to fucking figure a way through this in a way that makes you happy.

Leah I just want to feel safe. Maybe we could work toward that.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah That's what I'm asking for.

Tristan Yeah, I agree.

Leah I can't be with someone I have to beg for that to happen. Or who says I don't agree with your safety plan.

Tristan Yeah, I can see it from that perspective.

Leah Sometimes I can get intense and we'll probably end up in the same place in a few hours.

Tristan I don't know about ending up in the same place, I don't know what you're implying with that. But I do feel like I'm pretty fucking incapable right now of making any statement that would resolve this on the spot.

Leah Yeah, I mean I don't think that there is any statement that would resolve this on the spot. And even if you were to cut off Arjun, the harm to our relationship from you not already doing it is still there and that's going to take a lot of work to work through. And you would have to be prepared for that too. But you can't be prepared for that if you don't understand the harm that Arjun caused and why it would be dangerous to keep him around. And again, I tried my best not to seem like the psychotic controlling girlfriend who is like cut off your friends. But let me reiterate, Arjun hate crimed me. It's a crime. It's a felony. There is a reason why it's classified as that in the law. It is horrific and it's not just like regular horrible. It is fucking horrific. It has its own special classification. Like hate crimes are the next worst thing legally, philosophically, politically — hate crimes are the next worst thing after rape. That's like the second worst thing that you can do. Do you understand that? All right, I'll let you go take your space.

Tristan Yeah, I think I just need like a few moments. Again, I don't want to break up. Like, I'm starting to contemplate things.

Leah I don't want that either.

Tristan I know.

Leah But you're putting me into a position where I don't have a choice. Seriously, like, you want to — I don't know. We have to boil this breakup down to you wanting to go hang out with fucking creepy men? Okay, that's fine. He's your best friend. We'll leave it at that. And I will get to go be safe. That's all I want.

Tristan Yeah, but I can't give an adequate response to that. I love you. I don't want to break up. I want you to be safe.

Leah Yeah. Go think about that. I love you. I'm sorry that this has all come down to this. I guess we're not going to the show tonight.

Tristan I think it would be difficult to reconcile. I don't know. To even have the mood. I don't know. I don't know, baby. I don't know.

Leah I'm going. I don't know about you. I cannot let men ruin my fucking life more than they already have. I haven't done any of my work and have to prepare for my exam all in one day tomorrow. We'll worry about that tomorrow. So tonight I'm going out. I'm going to go be a person. We'll see. Like the fact that you're not already here.

Tristan I know, baby. I'm just fucking struggling a lot because I feel like if I show up, then I'm just vulnerable.

Leah Okay. You don't think that I feel the same way? Maybe that's why you should be here because we should be having vulnerable conversations with each other about a vulnerable topic.

Tristan Like I wish I could, but I really feel like every time I try to bring something up, it gets immediately shot down as like you can't understand because you haven't lived through it, which to a degree I understand.

Leah I mean, of course, it doesn't boil down to that. I think you just can't understand it because you're biased. That's it. This is your best friend. You are incapable of seeing him as anything other than your best friend. That's it. Experience would help you understand the bias more and get out of it. But you literally have love goggles. You cannot see what's going on because you care about him so much that you could never picture him as doing something that bad.

Tristan I understand what he did and what he did was bad. Like the love goggles came off for that and he is still not forgiven for that.

Leah Yeah, but it's not enough. The love goggles are still on to the point where they're not taking off to the point where I feel safe. They're taking off to the point where Arjun feels safe, but not me.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah.

Leah Well, I'll go get ready. You take your space and think about why you want to hang out with your great best friend. I don't know.

Tristan I'll come over.

Tristan No, but I don't want to have us both be in turmoil and spiraling for a whole night.

Leah I'll be fucking ready to hang out with you. I love you. I love you.

Leah I don't know. Like, inherently, I struggle with the idea of, like, there are a lot of people that do not want us together, and it's something that sucks for my life, and I will never be able to escape that, and I will always be perceived as hysterical. I'm willing to accept that, but I don't know about the plausibility of that, and if you'd be able to do that.

Tristan Wait, sorry, I missed that. To deal with the possibility of, like, people trying to keep us apart?

Leah Like, I always have to deal with the pain of knowing that all these people fucking hate me, and you're not going to do anything about it, and there's nothing that we can do, and that's just the role that I'm going to occupy in your life. And I want to say that I'm secure enough with you to, like, I don't care and I want to be with you regardless, but also, that does suck that I have to go through that. And that's an unfair thing to you, because I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to them about our issues, because I want you to talk to your friends about everything going on with us and your life, and I don't want you to feel like you can't talk about anything to anyone, but my only hard-line boundary would be, I want no contact or mention of our relationship with Arjun of any kind. Like, even the faintest whisper of my name, or even, yeah, of any kind. And we would have to work towards a trust for me to be able to trust you to do that.

Tristan Yeah, I mean, I see no issue with that. Like, I have not gossiped about us for the past seven months with him, so I don't see a problem with that.

Leah Yeah, I mean, how did your conversations with your friends go about that?

Tristan Well, the one with AJ and Nicole, low-key, was pretty insightful, because Nicole is, like, strongly bipolar, et cetera, so I thought it would be like asking somebody who's lived and experienced it. Sorry, I don't mean to imply that you're bipolar. I just mean oppression from any kind of... Yeah. And anyways, so I was mentioning kind of the whole situation to them, and apparently something very similar had actually happened between AJ, one of his friends, and Nicole. And at the time, she was extremely upset about it. And then over time, from the way it played out, she apparently insisted that AJ have conversations with this person. She insisted that corrective actions be taken, but she was pretty taken aback by the ultimatum. And that was her take on it, her perspective.

Leah Yeah, the thing is that I also, like, at the core of the issue too, that I can't get out of my head — and you're not saying it, but I know you're thinking it too — is that long-term, this is not ever going to solve itself. And long-term, I don't know if it ever will. And I think that's something that we need to consider realistically. And maybe look at phasing this out. Like, I'm willing to consider all options that end up with us not hurting each other. Because it's not about an ultimatum. It's about my safety. And I can't feel that around you. And the fact that it has to be processed by both of us as an ultimatum, it's like a last desperation play. And I know that they never go well. But when I have to strip myself that hard to beg you for basic things that I need... I deserve that. And you are giving me just as much an ultimatum as I am you. Like, this is not just coming from me.

Tristan I mean...

Leah This is: if I don't learn how to deal with this on my own and suppress this, we can't be together. That's what I'm hearing from you.

Tristan I mean, that is I guess one way to interpret it. But yeah. I don't know either, baby, because I am also fearful that we will never get past this. Or it will always be in the back of our minds.

Leah Yeah. So that's where I'm thinking we need to think about option two. Like, I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to be hostile. But I'm not willing to subject myself to the harm that you're asking me to accept. And like, everything else that I said to you last night, I mean, I love you. I don't want to infringe on your autonomy. But it's just come down to, we have different morals. And we have different systems of doing things. And they're just not compatible. And it's not a reflection of how much we love each other. And it's not a reflection of how much we want to be with each other. But I think that we've had a fucking incredible relationship. And it is the best thing to ever happen to me. And I will always cherish it forever. I will always love you no matter what. But I think that this has naturally come to an end. There's nothing wrong with that. But instead of, you know... I just don't think that... I think you've checked out a while ago. And I crashed out about it. And then...

Tristan Yeah, baby. I wish it didn't come to this. And I don't know how to imagine it happening. But I'm also, I had it on the back of my mind. Like, wondering how we approach this in the future. How, slash, how any other kind of situation like this would be approached in the future. Like, not identical to this, sorry. But I just mean of similar gravity or something.

Leah Yeah, baby. I know. Like, I need to be with someone who can protect me. And that's not you. As much as you want to be that. It's just not you. And it's not your fault. It's not my fault. But it's just how it is.

Tristan Hmm.

Leah I'm really coming into this conversation willing to make this work. But I've also seen you checked out, Tristan. I've been begging you to come back. And we've been trying and it was working. But at the most basic thing, you are not willing to protect me when I need it. And even if I might be wrong about feeling unsafe, even if I just tell you that I need someone who will believe me — that's at the core of it all.

Tristan Yeah, I understand. Like, I don't doubt that you feel unsafe because who the fuck am I to say. But in this case it's just not something that I'm willing to sacrifice.

Leah And like, again, it's not about Arjun anymore too. Do you realize that?

Leah Just shut the fuck up about that.

Tristan Then it's just about safety in general. Because I feel like, I don't know, like, are you checked out, yes or no? At this point I don't know because every confrontation feels basically terrifying to me. And I don't know, like, this isn't something that I had strongly thought about or can classify in a sentence like that, but that is kind of overwhelmingly just what I've thought for the past three days and I don't know what to do about that.

Tristan Every other thing might not be 100 percent. I don't know what to do. I've got, between how... what we already have, like an added layer of difficulty just from us having very different ways of resolving things, very different approaches, and in a crazy way, each of our approaches — where we're both genuinely trying to resolve conflict — hurts each other. And I don't know, that makes me sad too.

Leah Yeah, I understand what you're saying. And I'm sorry that you feel that way and I'm sorry that it's hurt you and that I'm part of that. But I guess I just need to hear you say that you don't want to work on that and that you don't want to meet me on a middle ground.

Tristan Like, these past eight months have been meeting you on the middle ground. I don't want you to feel like something that's permanent and...

Leah Like, so how do you want to do this?

Tristan I don't know, baby. I don't want to end on bad terms because, well...

Leah It's okay. But I mean, like, how do you want to go about splitting everything up, like, next week?

Tristan I don't know, baby.

Leah Like, I'd rather not.

Tristan But honestly, I don't want to at all. But I wish there was just a way for us to acknowledge that it would have been tremendously difficult if not impossible, so we would have hit an impasse eventually staying together. And I wish we could cherish each other's persons because none of that has changed. It's just, yeah, baby, I agree. But so, I don't know, it would feel really weird going no contact because, again, like you say, you are my friend. And I don't know, I like hearing things from my friends, seeing links, articles, whatever, thoughts.

Leah We'll figure that out. But the one thing I'm having trouble with is I guess I just need to hear it again of, like, you're completely done. Because in another way too, we already knew that from the beginning. So another part of me is like, what if we tried to work through it? And I understand the risk to both of us doing that. And I understand, I don't know, I just need to hear that you're unwilling to work on that with me anymore and come to a middle ground. And I feel that that's unfortunate because I feel like I've sacrificed so much to be with you, and I know that you've done the same to be with me over the exact same issues. But it just sucks, I don't know.

Tristan Yeah, I agree.

Leah So I need to hear you say there's no possibility ever of working on anything.

Tristan That's a pretty fucking daunting statement, but as far as I know, like...

Leah Not even for the short term? I don't know, at least finishing out our obligations with each other?

Tristan Like, I'm fine with that, that's not a problem. But I just don't see us as sustainable without both of us losing core parts of ourselves in the end. In the long term, yeah.

Leah I agree. There's nothing wrong with that and it's not a reflection of our love. I get that. But it's a matter of how do you want to go about doing that and what would be best for you?

Tristan I don't know, baby. I feel like your terminology of "phasing out"...

Leah I don't know what to say. How else do we go about doing this? I just don't know, baby. I'm not trying to construct anything. I'm just trying to do what's best for you and us.

Tristan Yeah, I agree. I'm also like, I don't know. I think that a clean cut separation would not be good, like cold turkey or something. I think that would not be good for either one of us. I also think, it's going to be weird to say, but I feel like imagining either one of us going to Mexico alone would be just fucking awful for both of us, and I can't imagine either one of us being able to enjoy any time in Mexico alone.

Leah I don't want to do that apart from you.

Tristan But like...

Leah I don't know if you can handle that, or me. And I will promise to try my best and not let this hang over us. But that's up to you. And I don't know, we can take things day at a time and we're not going to have everything figured out tonight. But what do you want to do?

Tristan Honestly, deep down, the way I hope this could play out is that, like you say, we take it a day at a time this week. But my default would be that we still go to Mexico and we go there — I don't know, however we end up by the end of the week — but not as fucking hating each other, not as enemies, but basically at least as friends. And then, yeah. Because again, out of all of this, I still love hanging out with you.

Leah I feel the same about you and I want the same thing.

Tristan Yeah. So that's what I'm like, I can't imagine — because it's already fucking difficult, the process right now, slash has been for the past three days — but again, I can't imagine what mental state we'll be in by Friday. But I would hope that the optimistic side of me would be that we would come to some kind of friendly accord, some kind of acknowledgment.

Leah I mean, I promise you. Yeah. Always friendly.

Tristan And I would love that and I would love to reciprocate that.

Leah I will never, I promise you, I will never get hostile with you. And I hope that you haven't perceived me as doing that. I know that you felt threatened at times, but please know that I will always prioritize your safety and your well-being every time I'm with you. And I'm sorry that you felt threatened by everything and that it has come down to all of this. And I love you.

Tristan I'm sorry too. I love you too.

Leah But I'm still a little bit confused on, you know, I guess take it a day at a time and we'll figure it out. But how do you see this going down? Like, what is your ideal for the future? Are we just immediately friends now and nothing more, or...?

Tristan I don't know. Truth be told, I don't know how we would be more than friends without every other implication that comes with being together. I kind of feel like we can still be best friends and amazing friends, but I think that anything beyond that in a way is completely blurring the lines. I don't know. I don't know what you think.

Leah I think I just need to hear it a few more times. I know that in the long term it would not work. But I don't know, maybe I need to hear it again — you're just not willing to compromise with me at all and you're done. And I understand you're burnt out, but I don't want us to catastrophize this, at least the fucking short term, just from burnout and us hyperinflating the emotions of this and it being a deadlock situation. Because I also told you I'm willing to consider more compromises that I wasn't before. I need to hear you say that you're not willing to do that with me.

Tristan Yeah, I'm sorry baby, but I really think I am past being able to do that.

Leah Can I ask why you waited so long? And like, why — if you knew this in your soul and you knew this would never be resolved with me...

Tristan I did not know that this would never be resolved with you up until basically four days ago. I thought we were on a happy path towards resolving it.

Leah So that's why I'm kind of confused where all of a sudden you're just absolutely hard-line no and willing to throw away everything.

Tristan Because honestly, baby, as much as the past three days were torturous for you, the past three days were also torturous for me.

Leah Yeah, baby, I understand.

Tristan It's a, I don't know, I've just been thinking.

Leah I feel like I'm being fucking punished from all sides for reacting to a situation that I had nothing to do with. I don't know, I just need you to address that. And that's it. I don't know, at least empathize with the shit that I'm going through on my end. Because I really get your point, Tristan, but as my friend, if you could at least give me some sort of validation — it should have never happened.

Tristan I agree. To either one of us. Yeah, I agree. It fucking sucks.

Leah And I get to bear the weight of Arjun doing that to me and then losing you over this. It just sucks. That's it. That's all I'm looking for you to say. It sucks.

Tristan Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Arjun scarred you and that those fucking bad actions will live with you. I'm sorry that I couldn't do more.

Leah So as my friend too, how do you feel about that? How am I supposed to manage the guilt of losing you over that? What am I supposed to do? Because I'm willing to accept anything, any compromise with you, but you're already gone because I couldn't get you to understand that I was hurt soon enough or fix it sooner. And that's my fault and I get that. But how am I supposed to...

Tristan I mean, again, it sucks. But I feel like, as you say, this is not just about the Arjun situation. I feel like that was kind of the cherry on top that made me reflect on how all of these fights go.

Leah Baby, but that's the thing — all of our fights have been about Arjun. And that's where I'm having trouble mentally compartmentalizing them as separate.

Tristan No, they really haven't.

Leah Because I understand there is that fundamental thing and you're right. But I'm having trouble believing that we couldn't have found a middle ground. Maybe not permanently, but for at least, I don't know... We have been doing so fucking good. I at least expected until the end of summer in my mind, which is delusional, but we both felt it and knew it. But I was still so happy with each other. And outside of our fucking fights about Arjun, our other fights have been pretty much just us learning to fight with each other.

Tristan Baby, I'm low-key very traumatized from the incident at my house. Like, that was fucking painful. And the entire time during this latest Arjun fight, you were talking about trauma and how you'll never recover from this, and you felt like you weren't seen or heard or acknowledged and you felt subhuman and shit like that — the entire time you were saying that, that's all I could think about. I'm really sorry.

Leah And again, I'm really sorry that you processed it that way. That was your turning point. I'm sorry that it comes down to that. But I guess it's too late, but maybe I can't express enough... But our conversations about that — that was a mutual withdrawal and it shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry that it did. And I wish I could go back and stay and not do that. But I also feel like that was on my end my last desperation of trying to reach for myself and not compromise myself. And I did that in the wrong way and I hurt you and I'm sorry and I wish I could go back and change it. But as you're saying...

Tristan I guess even if that hadn't happened — yeah, I mean, maybe it's okay. You're forgiven. Because shit like that happens. Like you say, you weren't aware of how it was affecting me, how I was processing it and stuff like that.

Leah I genuinely thought that the best thing that I could do for us was leave in that situation. To give you space and also show myself that I respect myself enough to leave when you don't want me around. It was fucking super tunnel-minded and stupid and I'm sorry. And I called you immediately after and I tried to talk it out with you. I went about it the wrong way and I'm really sorry.

Tristan Thank you. I'm sorry that I basically seeded that whole situation. But yeah, that was just...

Leah We both crashed out. Honestly, that's the way that I see it. I don't know if you view it that way.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah I know that I'm more at fault than you are, but...

Tristan No, I don't know, it's fucking equal. Communication. But yeah, I don't know, baby. It's not just about that. It's not just about Arjun. I'm just at this point really scared about going through conflict with you. And I really wish it wasn't the case.

Leah Well, baby, I know it doesn't mean much because you don't trust me, but I promise you I'll do my best to avoid any sort of conflict with you and that this will be as amicable as possible. And I have no interest in fighting with you and your well-being supersedes everything to me. And I love you and I'm so sorry. I will never stop loving you.

Tristan Yeah, baby, me neither.

Leah I'm so grateful for you and everything you've done for me and how incredibly supportive you've been, even when you didn't want to be or didn't understand it. And the way that you've accepted me even when you didn't want to.

Tristan Baby, he really loves you. He loves you.

Tristan Also, fucking side note — thank you for teaching me so much.

Leah It's you, baby. Like, you were my first real relationship, so I'm also, you know, you're mad at me, but please try and give me some grace on my fuck-ups because I've never had anything like this before. I've never had any practice.

Tristan I'm not mad at you. What I'm saying is the situation before was awful to me, but over time, what happened fucking mended. I don't know what the word is. But yeah, I'm honestly not mad at you. I'm just...

Leah I don't know, what was the word?

Tristan Done. To save it, by the way. I guess. You mean like that fight, or our relationship in general? Again, I did not think that this relationship could be over.

Leah So that's where maybe I feel the same. So that's where I'm like, what could I have done differently to not be in this position? Because I was not expecting this. And I'm willing to compromise and I'm willing to think about it differently and take time and take space and reevaluate what us looks like. I'm willing to do anything. But if you're not in love with me anymore, for whatever reasons, I trust it and I understand you and I want to give that to you. But I'm also having such a hard time understanding because we've been doing so good. And I know that we've had our problems on top of it, but that's also kind of what a relationship is. And as much as we've been bad, we've also been just fucking incredible too. I just can't wrap my head around it. I might just need time to realize that I just wasn't seeing something before.

Tristan Yeah, I don't know, baby. It's just that these past few days have made me reflect a lot on how past conflicts, no matter how benign or severe, have played out. And it's like...

Leah Can I ask you — I understand now, baby, but I also want you to understand that I feel the same way.

Tristan Hmm.

Leah And I guess I'm just trying to understand why you feel the same way, because I feel the same way. I feel super hurt, I feel all the same things as you, and I feel like we had that switch in the past three days too. It traumatized me too. But I forgive you anyways because I love and trust you and I want to work towards that. But I also have to accept when you just don't want me in your life anymore. And I understand I might be doing you harm. But I just can't get out of my head that there's still a chance of good, even if it was for a little bit.

Tristan Well, we can play out that idea this week in Mexico.

Leah Yeah, I mean, that's what I'm — if you're open to thinking about that, I'm open to anything. Maybe, yeah.

Tristan Yeah. Again, that's kind of where I wanted to leave it — we just take it day by day. Again, it's fucking insane making decisions like this within any 24-hour window. There's just not enough time to make a call like that. And that's where I feel like we need something like buffer time to reflect, think about ourselves, think about how we can best be supportive of each other. And so I agree — no matter what, in our past, I don't doubt that we could have a great time in Mexico, because also by the time we get there we'll have basically forgotten about fucking everybody on this continent. Like, Arjun can't even pop up or stick with us over five days. We're going to disconnect again.

Leah I mean, that's exactly what I was hoping for. That's also why I pushed for the Mexico trip — because maybe, I would love to have a fucking trip with you and I'm willing to fucking reset with you. Like, if you are willing to do that with me, I'm willing to hit that button with you. And I will fucking try my hardest to not let anything from the past affect our relationship. And we will establish all the boundaries and safe words and, you know — I trust you. And I love you. And as much as I don't trust you, I do trust you. I trust your feelings. I trust your opinions. I trust what you have to say to me.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I love you and trust you too.

Leah Do you feel like we're in a different headspace than we were at the beginning of this call, or even ten minutes ago? I understand both of us are still doubtful, but it sounds like you're no longer a hard no and trying to compromise.

Tristan I don't know. I mean, in a way, yes, I do feel more optimistic by the end of this call. But yeah, I don't know how that's going to play out in the future. That's why I'm quite an advocate of taking it one day at a time, and then eight days at a time, because it's so much to process and think about that every six hours, or anytime we spend any time thinking about something else, it changes the way we think about all of this as a whole. So yes, I am a little bit more hopeful. I love you. Thank you for saying all those things. I really appreciate it.

Leah I hope you know it's not just me saying it. I really mean it. And I'd do anything for you.

Tristan And I'd do anything for you too. I'm also just a little bit confused about how the attitude changed from 24 hours ago. Like, this feels really different. I don't know if you have any comments on that.

Leah I don't know. Honestly, I think it's just out of desperation. I mean, as a result of the desperation, like, acceptance of the situation. I've been obsessing about how I can make things better and doing it all in the wrong way. And I don't know, maybe it's a realization of it's not going to get completely better right now. We're not set up in a position to be together long term and there's nothing wrong with that. And that just might be the condition of our relationship and that doesn't mean that it's any less worth having. Because I think that we bring a lot of value to each other's lives, and cutting off that relationship over one thing — because I would like to chalk it up to multiple things, and you're right, it is, we have other issues — but I just think that it's conflating them and catastrophizing. All of our issues that we were having outside of this are things that we can work on together. It's just a matter of coming together to do that. And we've done that wrong several times, but it's because we're learning. And every time we've fucked up, we've traumatized each other several times. But we've come back from pretty incredible lengths. Like, honestly, me walking out on you — I'm so sorry I hurt you. And I'm sorry that it felt like it turned off the switch. But I didn't even think that would be as big of a thing as it was, because I just assumed that we've gone through so much worse that it was a cry for help and rock bottom in itself. You're right, it was fucking horrific. But that we would just never have to deal with that ever again. That we would never cross that line and establish more boundaries to prevent that. Because I literally can't name any other problems besides Arjun and a few communication mishaps and learnings — like for me to have more patience and talk less and give you more space. And those are very basic. Everyone has those in their relationship.

And I know that at times it feels like we're out of control with them, but we've been able to sit down. We've never really gotten hostile with each other. In other words, we wouldn't be talking right now if it had crossed that line. Even so, we have never been evil to each other. I know that's just the bare minimum, but that also makes me delusional about there still being a chance of something. I don't know what that is. Might not be permanent. But with everything on the table, to throw it away over one thing...

Tristan Yeah, I mean, that was what I was in disbelief of for the past three days. But...

Leah You know, that's where — I don't know, maybe like Jackie brought it up — I was self-sabotaging during that thing, trying to push you away by fighting with you. Because hearing that, you know, what I felt like was that Arjun brings more value to your life than I do. Like, when it really comes down to it. And I understand why. Like, that's not easy to hear. I had a better way of phrasing this, but basically, that's a relationship I'll never be able to compete with. And there's no level... like, my safety, or your relationship with Arjun, is like — I don't know. I don't have the words for this right now.

Tristan That's okay. I think I understand your point.

Leah I wrote it down. Hold on. It's like, I feel that Arjun's value to you outweighs the harm done to me. And like, you know...

Tristan Hmm.

Leah And that's just, like, I was looking for family in you. And we have that in a way. But when you have bonds loyal to other people, I don't want to interfere with that. But I can't be a second choice. Because you wouldn't be that for me. And I don't want to put you in a situation where I can't put you in that situation. But that's where Arjun put us. And it's not that I wanted to give you an ultimatum. That was my worst nightmare. It was just desperation of, like, please choose me. And even if it was — I was never really asking you to cut off Arjun throughout that whole thing, too. That's what you're not understanding. Like, still maybe looking for other compromises. I know it came off differently. But for maybe part of it, I was uncompromising. But I would have been open to, like, I don't know, just literally seeing how your relationship plays out. Because you guys don't fucking talk anyways. And that's where I can't understand why you would throw all of us away for that. For someone, I don't know — even if you were single and you had all the time in the world, Arjun just simply is not around that often. And you guys don't speak that much.

Tristan Well, yeah. Low-key, we did used to talk a lot more before all of this transpired.

Leah Yeah, and again, Arjun did not reach out to you. And I know it was kind of mutual with you two the past six months. But my point is you're not talking anyways. And I'm willing to be fine with your friendship as long as I'm not involved with it. See how it plays out anyways. Because I just don't understand why we're throwing this away over someone that you barely fucking speak to. Even if you were to speak to him more.

Tristan Well, I guess we can flip this and say, like, because trust me, our friendship goes very, very deep.

Leah And I'm never going to have that bond with you.

Tristan That's not true. That's not what I'm implying by any of this.

Leah But do you see how I feel, at least, like I will never have the same prioritization that your relationship with Arjun does? And that's why I feel like we should maybe think about the original plan. Like, that would be my rationale for that.

Tristan I mean, it is equating very different things. Again, yeah, I know. I understand.

Leah But I don't know. It's not like you're arguing for being with me long term. So this is just more of a hypothetical. That's just the way that I feel about it. That's why I think that we wouldn't work out long term. I don't think it's because of our inherent incompatibilities or different systems. I think that both of us are fucking children right now. We're going to be different people in a month than we are right now.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah So I don't know what's going to happen.

Tristan Yeah, I don't know either. And I never knew. I never had a fucking master plan or anything.

Leah Yeah. And my concluding point is that I just can't understand throwing away what we have because of what's happened. I do believe that you and I have just gone tunnel-minded on this and both checked out. When we could be trying to solve something that is solvable, at least for the short term, and taking it a day at a time. And that might be the solution. But it's a matter of whether you're willing to do that with me.

Tristan I mean, again, I totally agree with you. This feels like extremely different language and attitude and possibility than what was before. I don't know what changed from the past few days. Like, that was what I was pleading for with you — any other kind of solution, anything. I really pleaded for anything. And now you're bringing to the table all these, you know, talking about compromise. And yeah, it's two-way and I don't know. I totally agree with you on all the things you said.

Leah But I'm also still going to need more compromise from you in different ways. And I don't know what that looks like right now. But yeah.

Tristan Again, yeah. Compromise does not imply that you are the only one hurting or suffering or sacrificing.

Leah I mean, in the words of my sister, the only way that your relationship is going to work is if you both compromise. And the only way that that's going to manifest is when you both feel like you've lost something. And you both feel like you've lost. And that's true. Because compromise has to go both ways.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah And I will be losing that — I don't have a word for it — but whatever area of your brain or whatever it is, I will never have access to that. I will never have the same respect and prioritization and bond and whatever word you want to use to describe it. I will never be as important to you. Or at least that's what I feel like. And that's what I'm losing. That's my compromise. That's a pretty fucking bad one. I'm not asking you to cut him off. But I don't know what that will look like. We need to figure something out. I don't know what yours is. Because yours has, so far, been dealing with me being upset about that. So I can compromise further and try not to be upset about that, but I need something more from you. I don't know what it is, but...

Tristan Yeah, we can figure that out, because I am willing to compromise.

Leah I don't know. If you want, I can send you my ChatGPT thing. It's gotten so long that it would be unreadable. But I asked it to go on a whole thing. And I also asked it to use the DBT textbook in all of this and do all the rebuttals against me, and it got all of your points for the most part. And it's considered all of them. But yeah, anyways, my point with this is that, in terms of solutions and compromises for this — briefly, we don't have to figure these out tonight — it's difficult because I'm not stopping you from texting Arjun. Like, did he respond to your stuff, first of all?

Tristan He said he was confused by my texts.

Leah Yeah. I mean, have you responded to him?

Tristan No, not yet.

Leah And also, I don't have time on Wednesday now, so maybe Thursday night. But if that, then we'll see.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah It could just be over the phone. Like, I've always wanted to do it in person, even though I hate Arjun. And he needs to see this in person. But we just don't have time, and I want to end this. We can get it over with. So we'll see what happens with my conversation with him. We'll see how it goes. And we'll see if he still wants to talk to you after this. Like, that's another thing too. I also tried to self-sabotage this and remove myself from the conversation. I don't want to make myself part of this situation because I don't want my beef with Arjun to affect your relationship with him. Even though I was giving you the ultimatum, I don't want that to happen. And I also didn't want to give him an ultimatum. I tried doing it differently, but there was just no way to get it across. Like, that was not my intent or the effect of it. I really feel like you were also not willing to compromise with me at all. It was me saying, let's come up with fucking something. And you were just like, no, there's nothing.

Tristan No, I just... My only thing was my boundary. I only had one boundary, which was I cannot just drop him for this. That was my boundary. And baby, I agreed with you the whole time. That's why I'm so frustrated. I feel like in very literal terms, in the long term, you were like, I will never be okay with this. If you choose him, then we have to break up. Like, that was quite literal and repeated.

Leah In the long term, which is what I'm now coming to conclusions on. Like, that is maybe just our reality. I don't know. It appears so. But that doesn't mean that there can't be a solution for this, or an in-between. I can't have that relationship with someone. And Tristan, just as my friend, I cannot try and compete with that. Imagine this was Felix in New York. Like, I just can't do that to myself. I don't know. You deserve someone who makes you feel on the same level that you feel with Arjun. And I don't want to take that away from you. And that's where I'm like, maybe that's just it.

Tristan But what I don't get is, again, it's just not a zero-sum game. It's not like any care I give to Arjun is care that's taken away from you.

Leah Yeah. I feel differently about that, but I'm willing to accept and trust you on you saying that. And yeah.

Tristan I appreciate that. And again, that statement is like, you know, I don't know.

Leah Even though I know and I trust you on that, which is why I'm willing to compromise — I will always feel like something is wrong in the background with that area of things. And that's where I don't know. It's just something to accept rather than try and change. Because I don't want to change you. It's not my intent. But I don't know. Maybe I need to visualize it more as a boundary of, I'm just not in that area of your life.

Tristan I just wish it wasn't seen that way. Because I don't think it's true.

Leah Yeah, I get what you mean. And I've tried to feel differently about it, but that's where I just can't. That's where I was crashing out. Instead of — we're stuck. Right now. And that's where we need to take it a day at a time. And figure out that. And that would be a different conversation too. I think the only way to go forward is for that to be a long-term thing of, I don't know, if we do want to stay together long-term, that's what we would have to work on. But right now, I don't know if you are up for that. And we can still talk about it and still work on it if you want. But from my end of things, I just won't talk about it too.

Tristan Yeah, I mean, we can cross that bridge when we get there, if it ever were to come up for whatever fucking reason. But yeah. My whole thing before was pleading that you would never have to interact or imagine him or be put in any situation where he could directly or indirectly impact you. Sorry, I feel like I just realized that I was not answering whatever you just said. Sorry.

Leah Oh, no, it's okay. I understand. That would be the bare minimum. That's solution number one. And that's not even really a compromise. That's just obvious. But we need to figure out things on top of that. And again, I don't know what that looks like right now.

Tristan In any case, maybe — I'm not trying to get into contact or hang out with him for the next several weeks. Like, I haven't even thought about the next time when that would happen. So...

Leah Yeah. I mean, that's also — I don't know, that's what Claude was proposing. Things like that, like, we try this for three months and then re-evaluate how I'm doing and if I can handle this, et cetera. Which, yeah, I think that's obviously a starting point where we'll have more relationship check-ins and things like that. Talk more about this. From both ends. Particularly you. Because it's going to take a lot of talking to get out of this. That's all it takes too. We've been pretty good at that for almost eight months now. So — I don't know. The natural path of progression, I think, is that I'm going to piss Arjun off. I hope I scare the shit out of him. And then he'll be scared to talk to you for a little bit. At least for a month or two. And then that will give it time to settle. And once I just talk to Arjun, I won't be as angry anymore. And then I'll hate him maybe slightly less. Who knows? We'll see how it plays out. I think that minimizing talking to him, which is just naturally going to happen anyways, temporarily — I think that would be a compromise. I don't know if that's the one that we should do, but...

Tristan I'm not asking you to do it. It's at least on the right path. Yeah. I agree that it's not ironed out. Yeah, I see what you mean.

Leah Yeah. We both need space from this. Arjun is going to need space from this. We'll see how much I piss him off with this. Like, honestly. In terms of Arjun's relationship to you, I don't think that my confrontation with him will have — it has no bearing on our relationship. Because I don't give a fuck how he responds. At the same time. But if that makes sense.

Tristan You're saying...

Leah Everything that we just talked about would still be on the table.

Tristan Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Leah Which is also another huge compromise. Even if Arjun reacted badly to me and, I don't know, started some drama — I won't bother you about it.

Tristan I mean, that's pretty hypothetical, but yeah, I see what you mean. If that were to play out like that...

Leah Yeah. Just to demonstrate that that has no bearing on what I've told you tonight in terms of, I don't know. So in my mind, it's just a matter of finding those compromises and accepting, like, this is just how it is. For me, at least. And you, now, consequently. I don't know if you want to do that with me.

Tristan I mean, I'd be willing to try. At least, again, this is for the Arjun front.

Leah I mean, does that mean that you want to remain in a relationship with me? Or do you still just...

Tristan Again, I just want to take this one day at a time. Ideally, yes. I also think that there's several points that haven't been processed or acknowledged, unrelated to the Arjun stuff.

Leah Okay. We can talk about them. Yeah.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah I'm willing to sit down and do that. No problem with that.

Tristan Yeah, I am too.

Leah If you're willing to tell me about them.

Tristan Yeah. Are they new ones? I don't know. I feel like I've probably mentioned them before.

Leah Do you want to talk about it now, or later?

Tristan I don't know. I think this is a pretty natural pausing point in terms of what we're going to do. I don't know if I'm ready to dig deep. And I don't think that anything I would say afterwards would change our conclusion from this conversation.

Leah Yeah. The only other thing I want to say is I want you to be extremely careful about your comments this morning when I woke up and when you were getting out of the shower. And I understand, and I'm willing to listen to you. And I'm willing to consider it. And that in itself is a compromise.

Tristan Wait, sorry. What were the comments?

Leah About, you know, I need to get a therapist. And things like that. And I don't want you to feel like you're my therapist. And of course I'm going to work on that. And that is a done compromise, of course. I'm sorry that you feel that way. And also, the comments about, like, I wish that this trauma hadn't happened to you because you wouldn't be reacting this way about Arjun. Be careful with conflating what has happened to me as a rationale, an excuse, for why I'm reacting the way I am. Because that's not the case. And what Arjun did to me was not okay. And for a second, not as my boyfriend, but as my friend — if you were my friend right now, you would be telling me to dump you because of what happened and how bad everything was. Like, if you were not my boyfriend, that's what you would be telling me to do. Especially because of how much it hurt me. Like, as my friend, you would probably say, it's probably best for you to go and leave. You can't compete with him. So please don't use that against me.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, noted. I'm sorry that I said that.

Leah I understand that, but that was — I know you were just upset. But that was also...

Tristan Upsetting?

Leah Not necessarily upsetting, but it felt like it was not done in good intent in that moment. And I know that you might not have meant that, but it was more of an attack than it was logical. Or true.

Tristan Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It probably was fucking short-tempered. I'm sorry.

Leah And that was like a very deep cut. I spent an hour today trying to figure out the truth and how much that applies to me and where I've gone wrong, et cetera. And it's true that I need a therapist, but I don't want you to feel like it's your responsibility to get me one. And also, I need you to trust me when I say I have explored every single avenue for that. And it just doesn't work for me. My troubled teen trauma comes from the act of therapy in itself too. There's just a lot of trauma with that. But I'm open to literally everything else. I will read the DBT textbooks. I will do the worksheets at home myself. I just need an alternative form of therapy that is not traditional talk therapy. I'd be willing to do some form of it, but not DBT or CBT or anything like that.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Leah And I hope that you will never say anything like that to me again because that is, especially considering the situation — in my mind, I know you don't mean it, but that is also like agreeing with Arjun. Like, I don't know, that I'm hysterical.

Tristan No, it's not. I'm not agreeing with that. So, retroactively, where I think that came from was the fear on my side of, okay, here's a situation that's kind of beyond both of us. She is hurting really, really bad and she has expressed before that she categorically will always refuse any kind of professional help, and she is asking—

Leah I have not. Baby, why do you think I'm on ketamine therapy? Do you not remember my whole BetterHelp era literally a month ago?

Tristan I mean, but what was the conclusion of the BetterHelp era?

Leah Talk therapy is not for me.

Tristan Okay, well, it sounded more firm than that, but fair enough. Even forgetting that — at least in the moment, the way that my little rat brain reasoned was: she is refusing external help — which, okay, fair enough, apparently not true. She is asking of me something that I feel like I cannot do, and therefore it made me feel like I would always have to sacrifice everything in order to help you through difficult situations. And I'm not opposed to sacrificing lots of things for this, but in this case, it was something that I just could not do. And it just felt like I would always be the one that has to bear the burden of always accepting these huge sacrifices or asks that could be — the work of that could be split up between me and some other method of help. It just felt like it was all falling back on me. And I was the only one that could get you out of it. That's what also kind of scared me.

Leah The only situation that I can think that applies to is Arjun. Genuinely. What are other examples?

Tristan Yeah, no, none others that I can think of. But just that, I don't know, it made me feel like if it could happen once, it could happen again.

Leah Yeah. So I mean, that's a good point of the only thing that I'm worried about — Arjun carrying over into our relationship that we will have to work on, I guess on both sides — is the lack of trust. I need to be able to tell you when I feel unsafe and I need you to believe me and not question me. And even if I'm wrong, I still need you to believe me and at least listen to me.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. I'm willing to do that.

Leah Because it has carried over into several other times. Like, I told you something's fucking weird and you're like, no, I don't think so. Because I don't want to be fucking paranoid, and I'm really willing to admit that I'm wrong, but usually with that kind of stuff I'm usually fucking spot-on. And it takes a lot because I do not want to cause any conflict with the people that you care about. And you've gotten a lot better at it, I think. Like, just being aware of your surroundings has gotten so much better. And I feel so much safer with you in public because I know that you're looking out for me.

Tristan Mm-hmm.

Leah You know, I don't assume that you're not. But we just need to build up the trust.

Tristan Yeah. I'm happy to keep working on it too.

Leah Yeah. But I hope that you also try your best to not catastrophize and conflate everything that's gone on with Arjun with the rest of our relationship, because it really has nothing to do with it. And every fucking breaking point and fight that we have had is over this.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah. I'll do my best to compartmentalize.

Leah And I also want you to understand the gravity of the compromise that I have to make for that. I know you don't agree with this, but I will never be as much of a person to you. And I know you don't agree with that, but that's just the way that I feel.

Tristan Yeah, that's kind of tough to hear. But I can at least hope to rebuild some of that.

Leah Yeah. Yeah.

Leah The whole DXM thing — I hope that you also are good and not fucking do that. That's the only other point of — that's the only other fighting we've ever done.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah That's it.

Tristan Yeah. Maybe I had a singular fleeting thought — this entire, I can't remember if it was yesterday or this morning — but I briefly for a flash of a second imagined us broken up, and then it ran through my mind: would I do DXM? And I was like, fuck no.

Leah Good. I feel really proud of you. I would also probably start really self-sabotaging if we broke up, despite — I don't know. But to make sure that you did not do DXM — fucked up joke. I would hope that you would not do it out of spite.

Tristan Yeah, no, I would definitely not.

Leah At the bare minimum. But also, I'm really proud of you, baby.

Leah I love you.

Tristan I love you too.

Leah We both need to go to bed, baby. She loves you.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, I know. He loves you.

Leah I love you so much. We will take it a day at a time. But I need you to promise me also that you're going to communicate with me. Like, please do not fall victim to the passive boyfriend.

Tristan Yeah. I promise. Every day, I promise.

Leah Like, the second that you even have a thought, and even if you're like, I don't know if I've thought about this enough to bring it up — please just bring it up.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah And I will do my best to receive what you say without getting defensive. And you can have a code word — if I start getting too heated or you don't like my tone, or whatever, pick a word. Like, chicken. Something. A sort of signal where I will listen to you and take it down and do whatever it takes to communicate with you in a way that you feel seen.

Tristan Okay, baby. I love you for that. I'm going to pick the word orange. Because, you know—

Leah That's a good word.

Tristan Yeah. He loves you. It also means code orange, which, hopefully, you know—

Leah Agent Orange. That's it.

Tristan Yeah. Hopefully not. Yeah.

Leah I love you, baby.

Leah I'm glad that you talked to me. Because I want to do everything that we can in the future to prevent the withdrawal and also keep tabs on it.

Tristan Well, I love you too.

Leah So, baby, we'll just crack this. And she'll start noticing the pattern. You withdrawing and then I will do something to provoke you and self-sabotage. And I don't want to be in that cycle.

Tristan He loves you. He appreciates that and he does not want to sabotage us either.

Leah Because it's not just me — it's also sabotaging both of us. And we need to stop.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah She loves you. Sorry I'm not there to tuck you in, but I love you.

Tristan Baby, I love you. I've actually been resting my head on mama white tiger this whole time.

Leah Good. Baby, please go to sleep right now.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, baby. It will not be difficult. I love you so much.

Leah See you. Baby.

Tristan Thank you. I love you. Stay strong, baby. Keep taking care of yourself. Yeah, baby. You too, baby. Cheers. Goodnight, baby.

Leah Goodnight, baby.

Leah You completely discredited me. Anyway, thank you for telling me about Sarah. Obviously I knew that. I don't give a fuck — Sarah's fucking useless.

Tristan Yeah, I mean, 100%. I agree. But you like—

Leah It also does not make it an excuse for Arjun to hear "schizophrenic, military school, disgusting, hysterical woman." That only proves my point more. He did not know me at all and meets me and goes, "wow, what a disgusting mentally ill person." As a medical provider, are you fucking joking? And it listed out the code of ethics — do no harm — and you want to do harm. That's what I'm asking you to sit with. And also, you have told me Arjun had this preconceived notion of you as a schizophrenic, so that's why he made it valid.

Tristan No, no, no. I'm not saying that. What is your point with that? My point is that it doesn't come from Sarah — that's not the point I'm trying to make.

Leah Look beyond Sarah. What was I talking about? Who has the most internalized disorder? Who didn't believe me?

Tristan I don't know. It's not a hill I'm worth dying on, but I just—

Leah You see this as a loyalty thing.

Tristan What do you mean loyalty? I see this as — I showed him that. That's right.

Leah Arjun had space to consider that my feelings are valid.

Tristan Yes. Yeah. I mean, I made every single possible attempt to...

Leah I don't want you to apologize. I just want you to — baby, this is where, even if you were to talk to Marco, Marco would tell you every single thing that's in that 19-page document. If one minute's over, like 48 pages, with origins and yours separate.

Leah I'm begging you. Please understand me. And you're still looking at it going, "I don't know what the fuck is going on." That is the time to call yourself and be like, maybe I should try and start from ground zero — so that nobody sees anything about anyone — and show it from the ground up. You know what I think about this.

Tristan That's very difficult to do. Yeah, I agree. I made very strong attempts at that independently.

Leah Again, I can't put it into words strong enough. It's not about agreeing or disagreeing. It's not a dialectic where you have to take a bad side. It's — it's your baby. Coming to you. And being like, "this is the man that made me want to kill myself." And you have to ask, as my friend and also as my lover — if I cannot see that and I can't empathize with that, I don't know what to do. But it's better to just say, I'm incapable of comprehending this at all.

Tristan I mean, you're equating cutting him off with—

Leah No, I know. What I need is to recognize the harm was done. That's it. I'm not asking you to even take accountability for it, because I'm also not going to Arjun. I'm more concerned, in terms of my healing, with hearing that you've heard me and recognizing how it is systemic — it's not just some innocuous, random, one-off situation. It's systemic. That's what I just want you to feel. I'm not—

Tristan I'm not discounting that this is a systemic problem.

Leah You hurt me beyond repair, and I'm so in the post-aftermath phase. Even when I was fucking begging you — with the tissue boxes — "please just see me as a human, please just treat me as a human." We don't have that anymore. So all I can do is co-presently hope that you will try to consider that more. Because again, it's not about disagreeing, or someone having a more logical point. It doesn't matter about any of that. What matters is that you could not believe me when I told you I was unsafe, and then you made me unsafe because of that. That's all those 19 pages say. And I need you — for me to have closure and move on — I need to know that you participated in that. Even as much as I don't want to say it was intentional, it was. You have been fully aware of your participation in patriarchal violence, and I have told you every step of the way. You are going to worry about this. Please, I understand that I'm a "crazy schizophrenic," but see me as a person for just a split second.

Tristan Yeah, I am. I do. I always have. No, that's not at all what I was saying. I was just — you were implying that—

Leah That's Arjun's perception of you anyway, so of course you reacted like that.

Tristan No, I mean — it's not worth getting into. I was trying to make a very serious point.

Leah Sarah would say: schizophrenic, mental disorder, woman, discredited, disgusting, not human.

Tristan I don't see schizophrenics that way.

Leah It's not about seeing them in a certain way. It's just about listening to me and believing that I'm hurt. That's it. You know, when you were here the other night being like, "you fucking dehumanize me so much" — I respect that you would see me as a human. Baby, that's what I've been doing for you for six months. Every month, crying on my knees, and you would not even look at me. Because you were not willing to come to terms with what actually happened and how you participated in it. This is never going to be fixed — this is what it is. But in order for me to move on, at least mentally, from our part of the situation, I just need — and I'm willing to give you time — I just need to hear that you really understand me. Not just that you're listening to me, not just that you're reading it, but that you can synthesize the information and be like, "oh my God, I understand why that's hurtful." So you understand why it's hurtful, but you don't believe me, and you just sit there making excuses. Then again, you guys aren't dealing with me right — I want you to put yourselves in my position.

Leah Really. I don't want to say you're pretending, but it's more like a thing to solve the situation rather than really understand. Because you are still coming to me with these thoughts that are hurtful. You know, Arjun still — "Sarah said you were schizophrenic, so they had the right to judge you from the beginning." That is not at all what I'm saying. That is not a stance. But logically, that's literally what it translates into: "here's my preconception of her" — premise — "she's crazy" — cause — "she's discredited, we can't trust her, she's fucking nuts, nothing she ever says will be believed" — conclusion. That's the argument form. It's not a correct argument, but that's how this works. It's not just systematic — it's mathematical. And that's also what Claude shows, and it gives you the history. It even brought up the Belmont Report and the history of ethics in medicine. Arjun could not have graduated medical school without recognizing he had to pass the boards exam and test on BPD and the history of hysteria.

Leah Your years with me — you lived at Utah too — you have refused, you've gotten to a point where you can't empathize with me.

Tristan Hmm.

Leah I know that you don't feel that way on paper, but that's what it's been for the past six months. And I have sent you every sort of resolution, every way to talk about it. It doesn't matter what my feelings are for you, because you don't care.

Tristan How is that possible?

Leah Your value is so — all your value is more than the harm done to me. That's it.

Tristan I'm not balancing anybody's value.

Leah That's what you think of me. And that's — if that's what I'm dealing with in our breakup, I'd like to be fucking desperate. And I'm still sitting here begging you in the breakup. Just listen to my feelings. Even if you don't agree with them, empathize — understand why I feel that way. And you're still unable to do that. As a friend and also as your girlfriend, you are emotionally unavailable. You're literally incapable of thinking about this outside of your own parameters. Your own social parameters. And that's where it's become an issue. Because you cannot think outside your own parameters. You cannot think about the consideration and well-being of me and other people.

Tristan I just spent four hours — after our four-hour-long conversation today — the entire time—

Leah Baby, this is my point. It's not something to research. These are my feelings. They're not something to research. They're not something to rationalize. In the same way that you came to me the other day and were like, "no, you just cried — you didn't believe them. It made you feel so dehumanized." I'm telling you that's what you're doing to me. And objectively, therapy-wise — did you ask Claude what DBT would say? What a therapist would say?

Tristan Hmm.

Leah Because I would hang up and let you do that right now.

Tristan Alright, wait. Tell me exactly how you want me to frame it.

Leah Did you put my PDF in? Everything I said is on my PDF.

Tristan Yes.

Leah Say — first of all, this is not a debate. Period.

Tristan Alright, wait. Okay. "This is not a debate."

Leah This is how she feels. Period. I need to be able to empathize with that, period. I need to understand why she needs me emotionally to empathize with that. And also, based on restorative justice frameworks — Tristan, I don't know what you're putting into Claude. But as her friend, I would love for you to send it to me so we can work on it together.

Tristan Do you want to know what I originally put in when I first looked at it?

Leah Yeah, go ahead. I'm super open to hearing anything.

Tristan So I read through it. Then I opened a new, anonymous chat with Claude. And I just pasted the document in. And I typed: "You are an expert and balanced philosophical, psychological, feminist, and social sciences reviewer."

Leah Tristan, that already inherently biases it by giving it the status of an authority. It's saying this random computer person knows better than you. It doesn't. It's AI. It's not reliable. All it can do is synthesize information for you. It cannot give you a straight answer. It can only give you frameworks toward developing your own answer.

Tristan I understand. I only framed it that way because it tends to help it go deeper. But so — everything I wrote — and again, this has no memory, it has no—

Leah Can you also send this back to me?

Tristan Yeah, I'll send it to you right now. I have to leave.

Leah Either way, it doesn't matter what Claude said to you. This is the disconnect we're having. I don't know how to tell it to you. Our relationship is over because you're unwilling to understand me, no matter how many times I beg you: "I'm hurting, I'm hurting, I'm hurting." You're rationalizing it, like, "no, you shouldn't be hurting because this wasn't bad enough to hurt you." It's not a debate. It's not something to put into Claude and ask it to be "an expert in this." Of course it's not telling you the thing. It's not about that.

Tristan Yeah, I understand.

Leah And that's where I'm like — let's use DBT and CBT techniques to come to a mutual agreement on how to validate both of our feelings about this. Even if you don't agree — that's a compromise. But I'm not willing to make it anymore. I'm not with you anymore. And I honestly hope that's a healing statement for you. It's true. You deserve better. You deserve someone you're on an equal playing field with, someone you don't feel like you have to debate their feelings and not believe them.

Tristan But, you know — I'm not trying to question the extent to which you're hurt, or why you're hurt, or—

Leah Yeah, can we pause and hug for a second?

Tristan Yeah, hug, hug, hug.

Leah She loves you. I shouldn't have to beg you to literally read 19 pages of my feelings.

Tristan That's what I just did.

Leah Yeah. And I know that you don't think that you're doing it, but you wouldn't be debating the contents of my feelings.

Tristan Well, because those documents are not just your feelings. There—

Leah The statistical analysis as to why I feel more justified to feel that way — I'll give you that. But baby, I read both of those. I'm telling you: those are my feelings. It was AI. I read every single word in there, in the same way that you had that revelation reading your functional freeze article, and it made you cry. I'm sitting here begging you. That's exactly the way that I feel. And it may not seem rational or logical to you. But that's why we are where we are. That's why we're going no contact. You cannot believe me when I'm hurt. And you have to rationalize it in a way that makes sense to you. But that's harmful to me. It's selfish, because it says my feelings — my logistics — override any harm that you're feeling. Because if I don't agree with it, it's not valid. And that's exactly why we broke up. Because you could not believe that I was unsafe. Because in your mind, I wasn't giving you enough evidence of danger — that I wasn't being physically harmed.

Tristan Yeah, I understand.

Leah I'm also really glad I talked to you. That's where I'm also saying — baby, we need months. And I'm really glad you're not going straight to no contact. I hope you just go back and read that and be like, "I participated in that." Look at my reaction versus yours to this. And when you told me the other day, "you dehumanize me" — I felt fucking horrible. I told you: I think the reason why you feel dehumanized is valid. But that's not a valid reason to fucking dehumanize you. That's the way that you feel. That's not something for me to argue with. That's just who you are as a person, and I accept that. I love that about you. Even if I don't agree with it. And I can't tell you — I feel verbally assaulted — and that's still not enough. That's where you have to fucking sit yourself down, Tristan, and be like, "okay. I'm harming people." And when you told me that, what the fuck did I do? I was on my knees begging, "oh my God, I'm so fucking sorry." And you're like, "I don't agree."

Tristan No, I think all of your feelings are fully valid. Not a single grain of doubt.

Leah But that's where you're having the issue. You can't — that's what I'm saying. I've just been telling you: if you think you're doing good and you're going to step forward, you've got to go in. You have to live like that. That's what I am talking about.

Leah There's nothing inherently wrong with that. You should have believed me that I was unsafe. That's where it's objectively wrong. But that's also where I don't have a fucking problem with anything that's happened between us, or your relationship with Arjun, because if Arjun is your conception of safety — no matter what the fuck I think about that, and I fucking hate him — if he makes you feel safe, I don't give a fuck. Baby, I want what's best for you. That has nothing to do with me. And you know what I think — I think Arjun is extremely unsafe for you. But if that's the way that you feel, and you're coming to me being like, "you're dehumanizing me because you're not seeing me," then—

Tristan Yeah, small hug.

Leah Baby. And we talked about it briefly today. Maybe we'll see if we talk Saturday. Because honestly baby — I know you don't trust me right now.

Tristan I mean, I do trust you. What do you mean?

Leah I hope so. I don't know. We're broken up. I don't know what the fuck is going on. But I hope you trust me enough — in the same way that — baby, I've given you the trump card with me. You and Felix — you two are the only people in the world where, if I'm acting crazy, if you two come to me and say anything remotely like, "Leah, this is not okay," I will — no disagreement, no nothing, it doesn't matter what I think — I will listen to you. Because I trust you. You guys are the most important people in the world to me. And if my behavior is hurting you, it does not fucking matter what I think about it. It is hurting you. Period. No discussion. And I would be so fucking receptive to that. And that's what I feel I tried to demonstrate earlier this week. And that's where I feel we're having a disconnect — honestly baby, I feel like you're having trouble taking care of me. And I understand that because it's difficult, and I want to help you get to that. But it is repeatedly hurting me — even after the breakup, even after I begged you to just see me as Leah, you can't. And that's where I ask you as my friend, and also as a philosopher, to be like: if you literally cannot see outside of one view, generally speaking, there's something else going on there that you need to poke at and explore. If someone has to come to you and explain how human they are for you to believe them — maybe there's something going on. Even if it wasn't me. If anyone came to you and said, "I feel like you're dehumanizing me by not listening to my feelings — my feelings are not a debate" — and I've sent you different PDFs that are 50 pages — and you still can't agree to validate my feelings—

Tristan To understand and accept your feelings — that's different than validating them.

Leah Validating would mean you empathize and you really understand where they're coming from. And that's where we're having the disconnect. Because you generally just don't understand where they're coming from. You don't agree with that.

Tristan I fully 100% understand the feelings you're explaining, and the context around them. Again, you never let me actually say it. My only — not a retort, but — my only disagreement was with the framing of the systemic thing. Like, taking the "banality of evil" and applying it to this situation — that feels pretty grandiose. That's what I called a disagreement.

Leah That's what I call a disagreement too, honestly. And—

Tristan Baby, do you remember? That's what I said — like, that's where our—

Leah I'm sorry, but even if we disagree, and I'm telling you these are my feelings, and you're like, "okay, I don't fully understand them but I hear where you're coming from, I still don't fully agree" — it's not about agreeing. This is not a debate. This is me pleading for basically my life with you. And every time I cried — baby — no matter what happens with our breakup, I am also getting genuinely concerned about you. And this line of thinking is hurting me, and you're still unable to perceive it as that. Even though it's not about perception — I'm hurt. And you're like, "I disagree."

Tristan I've never disagreed that you're hurt, or why you're hurt, or—

Leah Maybe that's what you're ultimately telling me — "I don't agree that it's systemic." And that's exactly why I'm hurt. Because I feel that it is systemic. And I gave you 19 pages of peer-reviewed sources on this, and that's still not enough to prove my credibility to you. And that's why I feel like I just have to beg to be seen as a human around you. I don't know what's going on. But can we agree to disagree at least?

Tristan Yeah, I think there clearly is a disconnect. Yeah.

Leah And this disconnect is hurting the people around you. Severely. To the point where — I don't know how to say this more bluntly — we are never getting back together, because you traumatized me. And the fact that you're still — I think you just don't understand how you did that. But even so, the fact that I'm coming to you saying "you hurt my fucking feelings" and you're—

Tristan No, no — I never said I don't agree that I hurt you. Yes, I hurt you. My lack of action at the time, my lack of action in the weeks that followed, my lack of believing you immediately about what Arjun could have done and the gravity of it—

Leah That was your fault. I'm sorry about that. I'm not disputing that. I'm just trying to understand where we're having the disconnect. Where now is that affecting you? What makes you feel like you're not okay with it? What makes you disagree with how I feel, which is valid in its own right?

Tristan I guess, to put it together — the part I kind of disagree with most, as far as I know, is attributing this specific social situation — me, and how much I reacted or didn't react — with me perpetrating misogyny, or perpetrating patriarchy.

Leah This is very workable. This is not a grave issue.

Tristan Yeah, that's what I've been trying to convey, baby.

Leah That's one of the things where — I don't know, you just have to trust me. And I will do my best to walk you through it and show you how you have done that. Because you have. And that's also where I'm freaking out — maybe I don't know how to say it more plainly — maybe your actions are severely hurting the people around you. And it's not about a disagreement, it's not about viewing any situation from any perspective, it's not about right or wrong. But it's something you need to explore. Because I feel, by not understanding — and that's why we broke up too — you refuse to commit to working toward an understanding. And that's also what I was trying to bring up today with the stonewalling. You don't understand it, so you just clock out, or you get to the point where, "I do understand that," and that's it. But when I'm begging you, "baby, what you're doing is hurting the people around you" — that is a wake-up call. That's rock bottom. That's worse than a breakup. You've heard Felix, you've heard Marco, you've heard everyone in my friend circle — everyone who trusted you — all because I told you I'm hurting, and you're like, "I see that you're hurting, but I don't agree." And baby, that's honestly the main point — I don't know how to articulate it — it's just us being two fucked up humans. But baby, your actions are hurting people. And when I tell you that, you don't believe me. And that's where this is really, really bad. Can you understand that? Me coming to you being like, "I'm hurt," and you being like, "I see why you're hurt, but I don't agree" — it doesn't matter what terminology you use. It's about being receptive to the people coming to you saying they're hurt. And I know it feels like you are, because you want to validate my feelings. But you're hurting them worse. I don't want to be the fucking one to tell you that. But that's where I'm desperate, Tristan. Like, outside of a relationship — tonight, I could go no contact and I'll be fine, and it will suck for both of us. But the fact that I'm still, even after the breakup, begging for you to see me as a human — that's my boundary.

Tristan I fully see you as a human.

Leah Yeah, baby. That's where we're having a disconnect. And I feel like you're not approaching it in a healthy way. Even from my fucking abusive background — if I went to Glenn and was like, "what you're doing is hurting me," Glenn would say, "you're a fucking sissy, get used to it, fucking get over it." That's not an okay response. That invalidates everything. And that's not what you're doing, and it's not what you're saying, and I get that. But that is the consequence I have. Baby, I can't articulate this correctly — you're hurting people around you, and I'm begging you to see that. I feel like you agree that it might be happening, but you're not understanding why. And you have demonstrated — we're not together — you are not willing to work on that.

Tristan Well, that makes me concerned about you. I was desperately trying to do that for days, and then past the breaking point—

Leah Yeah, that's another thing — maybe these things can be worked on. Even when you do reach your breaking point, there are things to come back from. And I know it feels like all hell is breaking loose and you'll never think clearly again, but that's what coping strategies are for. They don't always work all the time — that's exactly why I'm not in therapy. Because baby, I did go through therapy as a teenager. I have the DBT coping skills. Whenever we get into a fight, I'm supposed to go stick my face in a sink of cold water. And it does work — it sounds stupid as fuck, but it literally resets your nervous system. Little things like that — that's what both of us need to do. And that's what you said to me too: "I don't want you to just go to therapy because of our issues — I want you to genuinely get better." Baby, that applies to you too. And at the bare minimum — baby, I'm coming to you as someone who fucking thought they were going to marry you. I don't know how to make that more serious.

Leah I really, really genuinely thought for several months that we might end up as real family.

Tristan And I thought so too. Yeah, go on.

Leah Baby, that's my point. No matter what, I love you. I have no position to disagree with you. There's no nefarious source behind this. Whenever I come to you saying I'm hurting, it's not because someone told me to, it's not because of some feminist principle — it's because I'm hurting. And I feel like you're having trouble understanding that to begin with.

Tristan I can hold it with my other pinky.

Leah Maybe. Do you feel like you have the same frustrations with me — me refusing to listen to the fact that you feel dehumanized and hurt? I feel like I've done pretty well at addressing that and taking accountability.

Tristan Sadly, I would disagree, if we're being honest.

Leah So how can I do better to make you feel more seen and understood? I want you to pause and hug for a second.

Tristan Yeah, hug.

Leah Baby, you're not doing that for me. And I'm committed to healing whatever areas I fucked up, in whatever way is possible. And in my view, you're not even willing to consider that you harmed those areas.

Tristan No — and that's — baby, I recognize a lot of wrongdoings on my part. Again, like not originally believing you, not acting on it, not confronting him strongly enough—

Leah That's my point — you don't understand how not confronting turns into participation. That's literally what therapy is for.

Leah I need therapy. I need to understand that my actions are also doing that. And I don't know how to beg you in a cleaner, simpler way: we should not be talking to Claude about this at all.

Tristan Yeah, I agree.

Leah Can we start there?

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Claude is not accurate. It is not trustworthy. It is not scientific. There is no scientific method behind it. It is the equivalent of going to your local tarot card reader, scientifically speaking.

Tristan Okay, I'll follow.

Leah I'm a little bit more accurate than that. But work with me to understand what I'm trying to say. This is not an accurate source. You cannot trust it.

Tristan Yeah. At all.

Leah At all. And from my understanding, your main points are things it told you. And baby, I want to sit and work all this out with you. Whether or not we're together.

Tristan Hmm.

Leah Because I am committed to both of us growing. And whether or not we're a couple, you are my friend. If this was Felix, I'm doing what I would do with Felix right now. Exactly what you would do with me for Felix.

Tristan Yeah. Again, honestly, I think we think we're disagreeing more than we actually disagree. I read the document. I agree with basically all of it. I'm not contesting that you shouldn't feel hurt. I've never thought that. And I'm not contesting that I was in the wrong. I've never contested that.

Leah Recognizing that I feel hurt is different from understanding why I'm hurt. Are you able to understand the causal chain?

Tristan Yes, I can. I can write you several pages on the causality of the hurt in this scenario. Do you at least understand how the unfolding of events led to you feeling very hurt and re-victimized?

Leah Do you understand why I think you participated? And it's not even about "I think" — this is where I'm really worried about you. Not outside of a breakup or any other stuff — as your friend. Beyond girlfriend and boyfriend, it doesn't fucking matter. Friend over everything. As a friend, I'm coming to you. I understand I might be the only one. There is something not good going on here, and I really ask you to come up with some sort of compromise. Baby, this is so bad. I don't want to say your frame of thinking isn't valid, because I do hear your feelings, and I understand where you're coming from.

Tristan Wait, baby — can you explicitly say out loud what you think I'm claiming? What you're saying is problematic? What is it, explicitly, that I'm doing?

Leah Yeah, please keep asking me if I'm not being clear enough. Because my ultimate goal for this conversation is to help you understand — it's not about my understanding. My endpoint goal is: you are hurting the people around you.

Tristan That's a very broad statement.

Leah Severely. To the point that — I feel you're having trouble understanding why you hurt me to begin with, and you're using rationalization. We broke up because you were unwilling to — you were negotiating my safety. I understand this is super heated with Arjun, but — literally put that into Claude, start a new chat, if you want to do this right now.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah "My girlfriend and I broke up because she feels that I am negotiating her safety."

Tristan Mm-hmm.

Leah "I feel that it's different." Whatever you feel — you can write whatever you want. But safety is not a negotiation. And that's where I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Baby, safety in any relationship — romantic or platonic — that should be your baseline understanding of other humans. It's a given. And I feel like right now, I can't get you to understand that you participated in harming me.

Tristan I agree with that statement right there. I've admitted to a lot of things I've thought this entire time — that I should have believed you sooner, I should have taken it more seriously, I should have acted upon it, I should have—

Leah Right, let's keep going. I'm not judging you at all. I hope I can Socratic seminar this toward just a new understanding — doesn't have to be any "right" understanding, just one that will validate a person. And the people I've harmed — that was just me. So what — are you telling me you don't understand how you participated in this system? The systemic nature of how this went down — and how women are intentionally silenced. What part of that do you feel you're an outlier to? That you have nothing to do with perpetrating violence against women? Whatever you feel is valid.

Tristan Okay. I have always believed I am fully culpable for the hurt that was exerted in this situation. I've never pushed back on that. Although maybe originally I toned down — I didn't take it as seriously.

Leah Okay, can we hug first?

Tristan Yeah, hug.

Leah I mean, we should just leave it at the hug. But keep going, because I don't want to reactively cut off what you're saying.

Tristan Yeah. I agree that it's harmful to not believe somebody when they say that something happened to them — to not act upon it appropriately. I'm fully on board with that. And that was my fault.

Leah So you feel like you don't reside in this causal chain — what I would call the male protection chain. You feel like — "he really did do that, where's your proof?"

Tristan Because I think you're treating this as: I'm a man, he's a man, you're a woman. And that's the only thing going through my head. But maybe—

Leah Thank you for telling me that.

Tristan Because really — I've done—

Leah And I know it seems hard not to read into that. Baby, okay, let's pause and hug for a second.

Tristan Yeah, pause, hug.

Leah I'm so glad you said that. Thank you for telling me. I hear you. You're feeling swallowed. That's exactly where we're having the disconnect. So if you want to say it again—

Tristan I believe that you perceive it as me proliferating the patriarchy because I'm a man, he's a man, and you're a woman.

Leah I understand. And I understand that's your reasoning for it. Let's go back even further before we get into "he's a man" — let's start with: harm was done. Beyond everything, it doesn't matter. Man or woman. That's where I feel we're having a disconnect.

Leah Can we take 30 seconds? Hug again.

Tristan Okay.

Leah She loves you. I don't want to escalate this. I'm not trying to fight with you at all. She's using DBT techniques on you — giving you space and diffusion.

Tristan I do feel soothed.

Leah She's not done with the timer. I'm restarting it. And the baby's not gonna talk.

Leah You're getting sick — going up and down, squeezing. That's actually a fun fact — the number one technique for overwhelmed autistic kids is going up and down all their limbs, arms and legs, squeezing each part, doing little squeezes. Because it literally resets your nervous system neurologically.

Tristan Yeah, I've been doing it.

Leah Yeah. The baby's ready.

Tristan He's breathing out. He's ready. I love you.

Leah I love you so fucking much. I'm your number one fan. I think that you can do nothing wrong, because I fucking love you. Okay? I'm your fucking biggest supporter, even when you're alone. But again, Tristan — I don't know how to say this to you other than how you came out of the shower the other day and said, "Leah, you need fucking therapy." I'm not saying that to you now, but—

Tristan That is very different from the framing I gave. Very, very different.

Leah Okay, yeah, but baby, it's a completely different situation. Let's not compare it to that. What I'm hearing is that we are broken up, and we're not reconciling — maybe not even as friends, right now. Because I feel that you have a disconnect with understanding why you hurt me and how you did that.

Tristan I fully understand that me not protecting and holding your safety—

Leah This is a reset of — we're not Tristan and Leah right now. Okay? Big breath, okay? I feel I have come to you — outside of a relationship, outside of Leah and Tristan — as your friend, telling you I'm hurt. I'm sending you 19 pages on it. And I understand that you think you understand that. But there is a disconnect that we're having, and it's fixable, baby. This is not an irreconcilable issue, no matter who you're dealing with. It's just difficult, and it takes a lot of communication to figure out where you're having that disconnect. And I feel like mentally right now, we are really fucking tired from a long-ass day. We are not going to figure that out right now.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah But also simultaneously — in the same way that you get to pull the trump card on me, and I always give that to you — no matter what our relationship looks like, if you see me going off the rails outside of what Leah is, I fucking hope to God you'll tell me. Because I will listen to you. When you told me, "you made me feel fucking horrible about myself, you made me feel so dehumanized" — baby, that was a fucking wake-up call to me. Shell-shocked to the system. A million times worse than our breakup could ever be. Because just hearing that another human is coming to you saying, "I'm so hurt that you're not seeing this" — and even though you think you might be, I'm still hurt because there's a disconnect. It's not about your intentions being good. It's just miscommunication. It's not an inherent good or bad or evil about anyone.

Tristan Mm-hmm.

Leah But baby — when I come to you and I'm begging you for the last time, honestly — baby, I don't know how to say this to you in a way that you'll believe it. I am really, really worried about you in a way that I think needs professional help. Because when people are coming to you saying "you are actively harming me" — and I know you see that and agree with it — there's still a disconnect. And I don't know what that is. And that's why it's not anyone's fault. But I come to you as your friend and I'm telling you — you are actively harming me. What the fuck do I care? It's been six months of that, Tristan. This is not just limited to me. No one should ever come to you and feel fucking dehumanized, feel less than a person. And I know you think you're validating it. I know you think you're agreeing with it. But I'm really telling you — I would be so fucking happy and willing to go to therapy with you, as friends or a broken-up couple, whatever it takes — not to try and fix you or fix your position on this, but literally just to get you to have a better understanding of why you've hurt me and how you participated. Because you understand that you've hurt me, but you have a disconnect with understanding how this is systemic and how you participated. That's where I'm like — baby, there's something going on here. It's not anything wrong with us. It's just that we're miscommunicating about it, and that miscommunication is hurting people. And I'm coming to you telling you — this is really not good. Also, think about me.

Leah I have never told a single one of my friends, ever, in my adult life — even if they were bipolar, even if they're schizophrenic — I have never sat one of my friends down, let alone my lovers, and said, "what you're doing is harmful and I understand you might not know how you're doing it, but I want to reach a common understanding of what's going on." Honestly, Marco would tell you the exact same thing. I've known him for fucking four years now. Marco is my fucking G. When I talked to him in person, he was shocked. He was fucking shocked that that even happened. But that's also where I encourage you not to look to sources for "rightness," because it's not about that. It's not about "this person is smarter than me, their opinion matters more." It's about the fact that you hurt someone's feelings. And that's why I'm concerned about you. When I come to you and say "my feelings are hurt" — and I know you think you're addressing them, but you're not — and I'm telling you you're actively redoing the harm. That doesn't happen because of a lost cause. It's just communication. That's it. You know? It doesn't mean anything about you. I think you're fucking the best person I know, baby. Ever. You are a great communicator. But we all just have those fucking weird blind spots where we simply cannot see what's going on outside of our vision. And that's why we have friends. Literally — that's the whole purpose of friends. To stop you and say, "hey, girl, you can't see this right now, but I love you and I care about you, and I would never do anything to jeopardize you." I have no incentive but to help both of us grow and be healthier. There's no incentive to fight with you. There's no incentive to make you believe my feelings. We're broken up. There's no going back from that. And I'm still coming to you saying, Tristan, what you're doing is hurting people. I don't know how to make you understand that, or validate it, or see it — whatever word you want to use. But the fact is it's still hurting people. And it's a solvable issue. I don't want you to feel like there's something wrong with you, or that you're invalid because you react this way. There's probably a very valid reason for why you react that way. But it doesn't override what makes whoever's involved in the situation feel safest. And that's not always logical. But it's about safety and respect for people.

Leah Baby, you fucking know me. I'm the last person who would suggest we go to therapy to fix anything — just to have a space to discuss this. With open minds. And find some common ground. Even if you don't agree with me, even if you don't understand why I feel this way — we can agree to disagree, or find some compromise that makes both of us feel better. Even if it's fundamentally irreconcilable, everything is solvable with communication. And I don't want you to feel like the shit I do. I don't want you to feel like you have to believe this or that there's some theory out there — it's not about that, baby.

Tristan Yeah. Okay, wait — so just because I feel like I noticed something — I think your main fear is that I don't take someone's safety, or perceived safety of self, seriously enough. Right?

Leah No, that's actually not what I'm saying.

Tristan Okay, sorry. What is it?

Leah Baby, I have to ask you to trust me. I'm not articulating this perfectly — it's feelings. I feel that I have come to you as your lover, your best friend, your partner, someone you lived with — I have come to you several times and said, "Tristan, what you're doing is really, really hurting me." And you are receptive to that — you're like, "I see how I'm doing that." But there's still a disconnect. And that's probably something we could work on to just understand each other. Even if I was wrong, maybe we'd have come to some understanding. But when you're like, "I don't agree" — and that's valid too — you don't agree that you've hurt me because you don't think your actions warranted that level of harm.

Tristan I fully agree that I hurt you. I've never disproved that.

Leah She's just so fucking desperate at this point. There are bigger problems going on beyond that. And I thought about asking Jackie to try and mediate a conversation. Maybe I could. I just assumed, when you weren't responding to me, that you were going no contact. But maybe it's not even about fucking therapy. I want to be able to have a conversation with you that heals both of us, validates both of us, and finds a compromise. And I just don't think we're going to be able to do that on our own right now. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Tristan Yeah, totally agree. If anything, 120%. Yeah.

Leah Break up or not, I still want to do that with you.

Tristan Honestly, yeah. Even if we break up, even whether we go no contact or not — no matter what, I agree that we are both at a point where we feel unresolved. Yeah, I agree.

Leah It's nothing more than words. And maybe that's why I'm so focused on epistemic injustice. That's what it is — we've been put into positions where we are inherently unable to understand why we can't articulate ourselves, let alone do it. I don't know how to explain how I'm hurting. You don't know how to explain how you're hurt in a way that validates your own feelings. I don't know how to explain my hurt in a way that validates my feelings, beyond what's on paper. But I'm willing to find a middle ground with you because I love you and I care about you. And beyond that, you're my fucking best friend. And if this was Felix or Marco — whoever the fuck it was — if we are having a disconnect and hurting and unable to reach ourselves, I am willing to put everything on the table to try and get to a better place. Even if we don't get there, I'm willing to try. And it's worth it. I can pay for a therapist myself. I'm so serious.

Tristan You don't need to do that. Yeah, I agree. I would never feel resolved. Yeah.

Leah I don't want you to have unresolved feelings because the baby doesn't want to resolve those with you.

Tristan And I don't want — no matter what happens, no matter how much you might hate me — I don't want you to have unresolved feelings.

Leah That's why I love you. And thank fucking God I'm the right person, to some extent, for you to fall in love with, because most people wouldn't do that. Thank you. Five years ago, I might not have had the emotional maturity to just say, "okay, let's try and find common ground." I would have been confrontational and just gone and done my own thing. But I care about you so fucking much. And it's not me on the line — it's you. And that's where I'm like, fuck, I don't really have a choice. Because you are me now.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Yeah. No matter what your commitment is to me, I don't give a fuck. I love you unconditionally. No matter what happens, I will always be there. No matter how big a fight we've had, no matter how big of a disagreement, I don't care. I love you. And that is fucking unconditional. I don't care if we have a fucking restraining order against each other. I will still do what is best for you. Always. Even over my own safety and my own good. And that's what brought us to the downfall of our relationship. But maybe that's what we're trying to reconcile — figuring out how to bring those two things together. Because they can be. These problems are workable. These are things we can work on. I don't want you to feel trapped in a corner with no other option. Because there's always a way to think out of this, and even if there isn't, there's always a way to work out of it together. She loves you.

Tristan Yeah, I love you too. Yeah, I agree. I didn't mean to get on the phone with you so long because I really wanted to give you space to think about this, but I'm also glad that I didn't.

Leah She loves you. But I'm also very serious and adamant about this. I don't know — I'll call Jackie and ask her for a good therapist recommendation. I'll find an autism-specialized one. I will check, I will pay for it.

Tristan You don't need to pay for it, I'll pay for it. But I'd say prioritize finding someone who does—

Leah Therapists are completely customizable. If you have specific areas you want to cover, we can get that.

Tristan Yeah, I just want somebody who understands neurodivergence and how it affects relationships.

Leah Let me tell you something.

Tristan And I'm thinking about myself, by the way. Yeah.

Leah Same. For the most part, all therapists specialize in that, but I would love to go to an autism therapist with you. I think that would be fucking amazing.

Tristan That would be great. Yeah.

Leah If we have to pull the flashcards out, wear headphones at the same time — I don't give a fuck. As long as it makes us feel better. As long as we're getting somewhere together.

Tristan Yeah, I would be 100% fully on board.

Leah And you know me better than most — I would never go to someone who isn't a good fit. I will do the research. I'll try and get us an appointment as soon as possible. It may not be for the next two weeks. Whether no contact or not, we'll figure out a way to go. We have to set the therapy date as our re-contact date.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Thank you for being willing to do that with me. Because I would normally be the fucking last person to suggest going to therapy for something like this. But I want to work out all the misunderstandings, because that's what they are — they're not moral imperatives, there's nothing bad here. We're just miscommunicating. And that's what kills me, because it's so solvable. We're just not understanding each other and we need to find a way to work toward that. Whether or not we're together — it doesn't matter.

Tristan Yeah, no, I agree.

Leah You have hurt feelings and I want to validate all of them. I really do. I want to go through every single grievance you ever had with me and hold myself accountable for them. Whatever will make you feel better in your healing process — I'm committed to doing that, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or how much I disagree with it. It's not about my disagreement. It's about what's best for you. And I'm willing to do anything at all times, whether we're together or not. Baby, I fucking love you. I don't know if you've gotten to this point, but we really are like a fucking lavender relationship — also not, because it's very confusing since we are extremely in love with each other. But I have promised to make you my best friend no matter what. And I'm committed to holding myself to that. Whatever I can do to show you I'm a safe person — I'm willing to commit to communicating with you in a way that feels safe and validating. Maybe she wants to grow with you. It doesn't matter if we're in a relationship or not. You're still my friend. And that's all she has to say. The whole thing.

Tristan That's it. Baby, that's what he wants too.

Leah Baby, that's where I'm like — we don't need to argue about that, because we want the same thing. That's where both babies get frustrated — we're just miscommunicating. We just have to figure out the right path toward a similar understanding, which we probably already have. We just aren't good at articulating that. And that's not anyone's fault.

Tristan Again, I mean — I agree with basically that entire document.

Leah Baby, that means a lot to me. More than I could ever put into words. And just the fact that you considered it and took it seriously.

Tristan Baby, I read all of it. And then I spent three hours afterwards — I don't know what the right word is — taking that in.

Leah Baby, could we also just establish — Claude does not have a fucking limit except for me, and I went over it and had to get a hundred-dollar-a-month subscription.

Tristan Oh, yeah?

Leah Yeah. So if you want my Claude account, let me fucking know. I'm only doing it for the month, so we've got a hundred bucks to use.

Tristan Yeah, maybe AJ now has the $200 subscription.

Leah Maybe. Granted, I was asking it to do some pretty wild things. Maybe the study guide it made me for my test — I did not have to read the entire textbook and it wouldn't have mattered. I just literally did not have enough time to get to it this morning because I was a wreck.

Tristan Mm.

Leah Can we agree — Claude is very good at STEM, math, that kind of thing. It is not a humanities source. It's not a therapist. It's not an accurate source of advice.

Tristan I agree. I'm not asking it for advice. I'm not asking what I should do.

Leah Because that's exactly what I wanted to say — I don't want our relationship fundamentals to be based off of an AI chatbot. It can help us articulate ourselves, I understand that. But honestly, maybe we need to go Claude-free in our relationship. What would happen?

Tristan We would just have to talk to each other more than Claude. That might be good.

Leah Yeah. I would be so happy. I would erase Tristan and Arjun's name from my Claude history and never bring it up again. Also — I have a psych background. I have used Claude for psych purposes. It is so egregiously bad. This is probably, from an academic standpoint, at least 20 years off from being even remotely semi-reliable for what we're using it for right now. It is a computer. It doesn't know. And expecting Claude to understand the human framework — it's just never going to work. And that's where I'm like, okay, we're definitely having miscommunications partly because Claude is making us think different things.

Tristan Yeah, yeah, probably.

Leah Although, again, it might just be genuinely valid, different things to think about, and that's valid in itself.

Tristan Here's the thing too — I've never asked it who's right and who's wrong, who's more valid, who's not valid. I've never asked that, ever.

Leah To be fair, it won't answer you.

Tristan Oh, yeah, well—

Leah It will, but not in an accurate way.

Tristan Wait, one second. Take this as an opportunity to breathe. I will too. I'm just trying to remember.

Leah Baby, please. Take all the time you need. She'll go get a taco out of the fridge. There's no rush.

Tristan You know, I—

Leah Either way, it doesn't matter what Claude said to you. Our relationship is over romantically. But you are family now. I don't know how the fuck that happened, but it did. It does not matter what you do to me. Look at Roman — if he called me today, I would still be there for him. And I know that's disagreeable to some people. But I see that as a commitment — made out of human decency and real impartiality, innocent-until-proven-guilty kind of thing. Even though Roman is fucking guilty. But I will never invalidate your ability to communicate with me and feel human and seen. I will never, under any circumstances, cut that off. No matter how mad I am at you, no matter how much we disagree, no matter how much I don't want to talk — if there's something you're coming to me with, something you feel hurt by that you need validated, I will do everything in my power to sort it out with you. And even if we can't sort it out, I will keep fucking trying. I will not give up.

Tristan Baby, can I say — I really — no skin in the game anymore — but I feel like historically, that has not at all been the case. And it's only because I've never come to you with "I feel hurt because..." — it's just that time and time again, my opinion does not seem to matter in these arguments. And that feels directly contrary to what you're saying. Because—

Leah What can I do to reconcile that and make you feel more validated when you express an opinion to me? Because I can tell you it does matter to me, but you don't trust me enough to believe that. And I'm committed to rebuilding that — whatever it takes — just for us to be able to have a conversation. Because of that, I don't think we can right now. I think that's actually a great point.

Tristan Because historically, dozens of times—

Leah Thank you for acknowledging that. That's honestly a huge growth move. If we can start with that — just put it on the table: we're not able to communicate because we don't have that trust. And I understand it might never come back. I don't know. But I'm committed to doing whatever it takes to make both of us feel seen and heard, even if we don't agree. I'm on your side, even if I'm wrong. Even if you're wrong. I'm not looking at that. I'm just looking to talk to you. That's it.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah And that's like — the whole summary of our conversation. We can't talk to each other, frankly, unmediated. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even on a friend basis, to get to the point where we have that trust, that safety, that foundation. I just want to be able to talk to you again. That's it.

Tristan Yeah. I want that too.

Leah I think also — now that I'm looking back on it — I think we're both conflating trusting with agreeing.

Tristan Yeah, baby, thank you so much for saying that. That's exactly the way that I feel. And I'm committed to working on that no matter what it looks like. I just want to be able to talk to you again.

Leah Yeah. Me too.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah And also — baby, I can't even tell you — that's why we broke up. You still don't trust me enough to believe that. And that's where I'm desperate. I will do anything to just have a conversation with you again. We can't take each other seriously right now because we don't trust each other. And I don't want that. I want to be able to talk to you. No matter how angry you get with me or how much we disagree — I'm committed to understanding your feelings, even if I don't agree with them. I'm on your team.

Tristan Yeah, me too.

Leah Before I'm even on my own team. I'm fucking in love with you. I am here to do whatever will help you in any capacity. Even if that's going away. Whatever you think would help you, in any form — fuck our trust issues. I'm there to rebuild it from the bottom. Even if it doesn't end up rebuilding to that — that's okay. I just want to be able to do whatever I can to help you. I just want to be able to talk to you. That's it.

Tristan Yeah. I want that too. And I don't want it to be superficial either. I do want to get to some fundamental common understanding.

Leah Baby, we will. I'm very confident in us. We will do that. I will look for an autism therapist tomorrow morning. Baby, I'm just — I still haven't slept. I've been up for almost 40 hours.

Tristan I'm a person that will always be there for you. I don't want to give up on you, ever. You're still someone who will always be important to me.

Leah She will never abandon you. Okay? Even with the stupid Mexico situation — I knew you were pulling away and I was still like, "can I get your approval to cancel this flight? Because I don't want you to feel like I'm abandoning you." I don't want to hurt you. I want to take every effort in my toolkit, and develop even more tools, so I don't do that to you. And so we can get to a space where all we want to do with each other is understand each other. That's it. And we don't need to fight about that. We just need to figure out what tools work for us to get to that place. And baby — fucking look at us. We might be broken up now, but eight months is a long fucking time. And you and I are primed and prepped and ready to — it will take time to deal with the consequences of both of our actions and how we've affected each other. Accepting accountability is not easy. I will try to reject it just as much as you do — not that you will, but you get my point. It's not fucking easy. It's easier to reject accountability and just be evil. Which is exactly what you thought about me, and I don't want that to be the case. I spend every day of my life fighting against that. I don't want to end up like my parents.

Tristan Yeah, I understand. I agree.

Leah It's not about science. We just need to figure out a way to communicate. And unfortunately we're at an impasse with that. And it's not indicative of our moral states or the way we love and feel about each other. You and I have gone non-verbal and we just don't know how to reconcile, and we need help. And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. It feels humiliating and emasculating, but baby—

Leah If we go to therapy and you're like, "fuck this, I'm out" — baby, I will still be there. I'm still committed to you.

Tristan Yeah, me too.

Leah I know that might not always come out the clearest. But I fucking love you. And if there's any one side I'm on, it's yours. Always. And I don't want it to seem like I'm fighting from a different side. Everything I've brought up tonight, baby, is all in your best interest. And that is way more difficult to comprehend and accept — if someone was coming to me like that, I'd definitely be defensive. I hope I have the coping skills not to do that. And I think I have fessed up pretty immediately when confronted — "shit, you're fucking right, and it's on you." And Felix, and the people I love — when they come to me and tell me I'm doing something that's hurting them, I have made a commitment to myself and to everyone I love: I will listen, and I will take that into account, even if I don't think it's happening. Baby, she loves you. And we need to go to sleep.

Tristan Yeah, baby, I basically haven't worked today, and I don't know yet what I'm going to do about that, but—

Leah Yeah, baby. I'm really sorry for this.

Tristan I would say I agree. I think we both think we're in the same spot in that regard.

Leah Yeah. I don't want to keep pushing you and push you further away. I'm just trying to gain a common understanding. But I don't want that to come off as pushing you further away, because I want you to feel safe and open up and tell me your feelings.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah What's going on? But fuck, if it wasn't so late, I'd call Jackie right now. I'll call her in the morning. She'll give us good recommendations for autism-specialized therapists up here. We could go straight to a psychologist, see what's available. You can do some research on it tonight too. What kind of provider do you want — a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a life coach?

Tristan Yeah — probably a psychologist.

Leah Yeah, that makes sense. Psychiatrists, technically, they're really not equipped to give therapy. I don't know how that's legal.

Tristan But like — don't they just prescribe drugs? A psychiatrist can't do couples therapy, I would imagine.

Leah You would think. But they will do anything for a check.

Tristan Yeah, let's go with somebody who's mostly dedicated and not just doing it on the side. Yeah, yeah.

Leah The baby does not trust therapists.

Tristan Yeah, I fucking hate them.

Leah And every time I've been sat in front of a therapist and told them why I hate them, there's no arguing back, because they're fucking useless. But there is an extremely good layer of outliers who just genuinely want to help you. And that's all we're doing — figuring out how we can come to a better way of understanding each other. Because we lost our romantic relationship over that, but we don't need to lose our entire relationship over a miscommunication.

Tristan Yes. I agree.

Leah And it's not indicative of how we really feel about each other. Both of us are committing to understanding that — even if we don't in the moment.

Tristan Yeah. I know. Baby, I fully agree. I always have been.

Leah Yeah, baby. She fucking loves you. And I'm never on anyone's side but yours. Always. Even when you're wrong, I will still support you so fucking hard you won't even think I know you're wrong. And honestly, I'll probably think you're right anyway, because I love you and I trust you. And if you feel strongly about something, I value your opinion so heavily, Tristan. You are quite literally the only opinion that matters to me. You're my fucking lover. You're the one who interacts with me the most, the only one who sees my behavior on a day-to-day basis, the only person who knows me like that. You're the only person who has the best perception of me. Even if I don't always think that — I trust you. I really do. Even if we don't have that trust all the time, we're broken up and I still — we have a basic decency and friendship there. And that really does protect the rest of it. No matter what happens, we will always be kind to one another and communicate. And that's the babies.

Tristan Yeah. I want that too. And I care about that too.

Leah Yeah. I love you. She wants that with you. No matter what it looks like. I just want to be able to talk to you. That's it. She wants that. I want to be able to validate your feelings. And I'm so fucking excited to move toward a course that would make you more comfortable with that, and where you can tell me what you're feeling. Baby, I'm fucking committed to you.

Tristan Yeah. Me too. Me too.

Leah She loves you. She fucking loves you. You are the fucking love of my life.

Tristan He loves you too. You're my—

Leah You are my fucking evil twin.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Literally. In, I think, every sense of the word, it becomes more true every fucking day. Maybe we haven't committed to being romantically together forever. But what I have always committed to you is that she will love you forever, and she will be friendship-committed to you forever. Even if you're not committed to her. Because she means that unconditionally. It doesn't matter how much you fucking hate me or what fight we get into — your best interests are always my best interests. No matter what. Even if I don't agree with the feelings. And I want to be able to provide you with a framework where you feel comfortable, where you have a support system you can tell people what's going on and feel safe enough to. And conflict resolution skills. I'm committed to learning all of that with you. Because it's my first time too. She's a little bit more experienced than you, but not very much — she didn't exactly have Glenn as a role model. So she's learning for the first time too. And she's fucking committed to learning with you.

Tristan Yeah, me too. He loves you too. He wants what's best for you too. And he wants to take care of you too.

Leah Yeah. I literally cannot help it. No matter how much I try. It's a need of mine. Because you are me now.

Tristan Yeah. Yeah.

Leah Do you remember how you used to play music, and how she used to play music?

Tristan Yeah, I remember that. I was thinking about that recently, actually.

Leah And do you remember how I tried to fight you? But I told you — once that door opens, it's never closing. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me, baby. I have never had a partner that hears every single thing going on with me from across the room and is just — there.

Tristan Yep. It's beautiful. Exactly.

Leah And whenever you do that, it makes me feel extremely fucking honored and privileged and lucky. And she loves it and she's a freak, I don't know what that's about.

Tristan She definitely has a thing for you. Yeah, but it's only you. Fair enough. He loves you. I'm honored.

Leah Yeah, baby. She has a lot of feelings for you in a lot of different non-standard ways. She loves you. Hold on, let me take this out. Baby, she fucking loves you. Also — the baby finally had to get rid of the Valentine's roses, but she did save some of them, and they're fucking beautiful.

Tristan Aw, thank you.

Leah Yeah, baby. You all seem to need to come back here, come home, and spend the night with me again. Because you've got your red dabs. I'm gonna blow through, and I'm gonna scoop that shit up like a full gram dab, and you're gonna take that shit.

Tristan Yeah, I'd be down. I'd love to. Also, fuck you for not sharing the ketamine with me.

Leah Then bring it over, pussy.

Tristan Yeah, all right. I can bring the ketamine over next time. There's still half of it.

Leah Deal. Ketamine is fucking easy because it's not psychedelic or anything intense. So figuring out how to reconcile that, because she really wants to do — maybe there's no one else in the whole world besides Felix and Marco that I would feel safe doing psychedelics with. But we'll find out. She really needs to eat because she has not eaten since yesterday.

Tristan God, baby. Please take care of yourself. Find something easy to eat.

Leah She's got a little baby taco. Talked about it yesterday. She got two little baby mini tacos, but she wasn't able to eat them because she threw the first one up. So she's trying with the second taco. And it's Doritos Locos Supreme. She's gonna eat it and she loves you. Even though they took her favorite fucking thing off the menu.

Tristan Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Leah I fucking love you. I am committed to doing whatever the fuck is necessary — every baseline and philosophical system that I have — do not assume I'm sticking to it. Because what I'm sticking to is you. That's it.

Tristan Yeah, he loves you. He wants to do that too.

Leah Yeah. We will figure it out, baby. Even if we don't get to a point where we agree, we can at least get to a point where we understand each other and we empathize with each other.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Either way, we still love each other. Baby, you can be a good baby squirrel, okay? Go crank the music on your headphones.

Tristan Yeah. We will try. We'll see how that plays out.

Leah You know where to go if you can't sleep. She loves you. She loves you so much. And she needs to work hard to get back to her normal self over this too. Even in no contact, because she fucking loves you. No matter what. So — you better commit to this with me too. Because she fucking loves you.

Tristan Yeah. I'm committed.

Leah And literally all we're committing to is communicating better.

Tristan I can agree to that. Easy. You go to sleep. Sleep fucking 20 hours.

Leah She loves you so much. It's really hard to say goodbye. But she loves you so much. Okay, baby.

Tristan You shred it.

Leah I love you, baby. Good night. I love you so much.

Tristan I love you.

Leah I don't know, take accountability for that more and apologize for walking out on you, because you're right, I did leave. And I started up with that, and in my mind that was just desperation. I genuinely thought that you were just gonna say "please don't leave" and I understand your brain literally couldn't. But where you told me you don't want me to be there, it's not because you don't want me to be there, it's because you just can't. And I understand that. But wait, sorry, are you talking—

Tristan About the incident at my house? Yeah, where I walked out. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, talking about that too, right? Sorry, at first I thought you were talking about the relationship as a whole.

Leah But now I caught up, yeah okay. Like, I shouldn't have walked out. That was me. You felt abandoned and I'm sorry and I shouldn't have done that. And it was also hard for me to say because even though you did tell me that you didn't want me there, my autistic monotropic thinking was like, "okay, I'll leave." Like, why would I want to be around someone who just doesn't want to be around me?

Tristan But they can't say that. But that would, you know— well, that wasn't what I was thinking either, by the way.

Leah Yeah, that's the thing. The worst part about that was just a miscommunication and I blew up and I'm sorry. That was my first breaking point. Baby, I feel like so many of our fights were just me begging you to say that you just want me. And I know that you couldn't because you were in functional freeze, and then she felt abandoned and then she started lashing out. And that's where we got into a cycle with it. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry and I should have stayed. I don't know, gone upstairs while you— or me stayed downstairs, or some sort of break. And I'm sorry that I didn't try and use more coping mechanisms to calm both of us down and give you what you emotionally needed and be emotionally available for you.

Tristan Thank you. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you either.

Leah I think it's a good way of summing up a lot of issues is that both of us pushed each other to feel unsafe so we stopped being emotionally available for each other.

Tristan Yeah, I think that is actually very, very accurate.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan And it sucks. I don't want that either.

Leah Yeah, of course not. Let me tell you, when I did that, I waited on your block for like 20 minutes just waiting for you to text me to come back. I didn't leave. And I thought that you were stalking me on Life360 because she was being delusional, and I thought that you could see that I was sitting outside your house. But I think I even said, maybe in one of my texts to you, "should I come back?" Or maybe I didn't. I was pushing you and I was pushing you to connect with you when you just wouldn't connect with me back. So I took that, my tunnel-minded thinking of like, "he doesn't want me, why would I be around someone who doesn't want to be around me, why would I subject myself to that?" And I really did think that I was doing the best thing of removing myself.

Tristan I don't know if you would even say that you wanted me to be there. Yeah, well, wait, sorry, I had something to say but I forgot. Can you repeat that last sentence?

Leah Yeah, sorry. Maybe, I feel like so many of our fights have been my fault and it's been with me lashing out. Because I feel like I pushed you into many situations where all I wanted to hear you say was "I want you and I don't want you to leave" and that's it. And then when you didn't do that, I took it as— you froze and you just weren't able to talk, and I took it as "he doesn't want me, this is indicative of something more." Like, why would I be here if my presence is annoying him or hurting him? In my mind I was lashing out but doing the right thing of leaving because I didn't know how to calm the situation. I thought that if I left then maybe you would want me afterwards. And I know that you don't want me because I left, but I would have hoped that you would have said at some point— I think because we did get to that point, the only reason why I left that night is because I asked you "I need you," right? I shouldn't have pushed you, I should have given you space. And you just blurted out "I don't want you here" and that's when I got up and left. And I just took that as a final shutdown from you, like I'm making you really uncomfortable and I need to leave.

Tristan Well, that's okay, I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm still confident in believing that it played out a little bit differently than that. Because that does make it sound like you left and you were repenting, or you felt like you were doing the right thing, that this was helping me. Like, "oh, he just doesn't understand" and it's making it right—

Leah I was trying to help you and punish you at the same time.

Tristan It definitely felt more like a punishment, because I had to profusely apologize and then that's what sent me into a spiral of spending several nights trying to understand what's wrong with me. Which, fair enough, out of that did come some new understanding. But the— it definitely was not like "oh, here, he's having a moment, let me give him space, he'll realize how wrong he is." Like, yeah, I know that did not come off as that.

Leah Maybe I really thought in my delusional mind that by leaving it would show him like, "you can't do that." Like, you're right, I shouldn't have done any of that. But I don't know if there's any more explanation of why I reacted that way. And I don't know, I was feeling the same way about like— I really don't want to use the word abuse because it's just not what it was. In terms of like, that's the way that you feel and it's valid, but that was not my intention at all. It was just a toxic behavior that I have. And I don't know, maybe I'm just an abusive person, who knows. I'm willing to consider anything at this point. But I really think it was two people getting to their breaking point. I think it was two humans crashing out. And I don't think it's because we're evil and I don't think it's because there's something inherently wrong with either one of us, it's just that that's what happens when you get pushed to your breaking point. But yeah, I don't know, in my thought that by leaving— I don't know, part of the reason why I feel like the A word—

Tristan What is the A word? Oh, sorry, the abuse word. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know that it was not intentional from you.

Leah Which is also why I really tried not to see it as that. But I have— I don't know, I picked up on the same concerning red flags that you picked up on me, that I have in you. And it's coming from both of us and it's not intentional from you and it's not okay. And I'm desperate to never do that again, Jesus Christ. But one of the ways that I felt it was happening was through— and like I said in my text, you didn't know you were doing it so it's also hard to look back on this. But I think we did talk many times before that fight about stonewalling. And that was the reason why I blew up on that, is like I felt like there was nothing that I could do to be seen as a human in front of you and just for you to say "I want you here" or anything like that. I do feel like you're right about us having different conflict styles. But I do feel like, and I think you've admitted to this before, of using avoidance as a tool to not get into conflict. But it has come off as manipulative towards me where I'm not allowed to say anything, I'm not allowed to leave or feel the way that I'm feeling. Usually whenever we're in a fight and you're stonewalling, I'm freaking out and you are too, but I'm verbally freaking out, I'm having a panic attack, I'm crying, and you're just sitting there silent looking at me hurt. And after having that happen so many times, that's why I left that night. I felt like this is an intentional choice— you know, I'm not allowed to say anything, I'm not allowed to leave or feel the way that I'm feeling. It's to not respond to me and to do it repetitively to control the situation. I know that it was a de-escalation tactic to you, but that was how I felt about your trump card. Like, you see, my trump card is me making blanket statements and comments about you being a man, and the feminist things and things like that. You're right. But I felt like it was a blanket statement of "I can't do anything." Because I know it didn't seem like it, but baby, I really tried. And the first half of our conversation, that was the first time, even though I failed, that was the first time that I ended up using DBT shit in our therapy. I ended up doing breathing exercises next to you. I did take multiple breaths and there were several times where I even held my breath just to try and regulate, not being upset because I was just begging to be loved to what I felt was a stone wall. And after a while, that did feel intentional. And in the same way that you feel that I constructed situations with hostility and there was no way that you could feel safe bringing conflict to me—

Tristan I also felt the same way, if that makes sense. Yeah, no, so I mean, yeah, I agree. I agree with the mutual aspect of it, that I think we both see each other in the same way. And we both received each other's reactions as hostility. And I think that's a really good point. Our conflict styles, even though we both perceived our own reactions as the only sensible thing, or like—

Leah Yeah. I don't believe I was sensible, but, or I mean like it was the only thing, or like—

Tristan We were doing the right thing in the moment, or like, not even that, but like—

Leah Yeah, it was not malicious. At all.

Tristan Yeah, we were both trying. Yeah, towards the same goal.

Leah Exactly. And the wrong way.

Tristan Yeah. I will say though that you still saying that the stonewalling was used as a tool and intentional tells me that there is still a very fundamental disconnect. Because I would never use that intentionally. Ever.

Leah Yeah, that's what I said in the text, that it's not intentional nor was it a tool. I feel like you're calling it a tool. Yeah, I understand. I don't necessarily mean it directly as a tool, like you're using this and you know what you're doing and it works. I don't mean it as that at all. I think that I mean it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. So let me rephrase that. It ended up recreating situations. And there have been times where I sat down with him and been like, "all right, how do we deal with this functional freeze thing?" And I'm like, "I don't know how to deal with this, what can I do to make the situation safer?" Which is, you know, really we need to be able to trust each other, on top of other things like breathing, time, whatever. I felt like that was your trump card with me because there were a few situations where you're like "I literally can't do anything about that" and you're right. I know that, and that's why I've been so— it doesn't seem like it but I have really tried to be patient with it. Until I lost my shit that night and I quickly realized I shouldn't have done that. I should have held on to my patience and regulated my own emotions better. But I feel like it was used as an unhealthy coping mechanism in a way that I couldn't argue or do anything about it. And that's where I started spiraling out because then it was like, "well, it doesn't matter if I'm confrontational or defensive or not because he's just gonna see me as crazy anyways." Which made me act worse. But yeah, it was desperate.

Tristan Yeah, so damn, I felt like I had a good thing to say that was honest and everything but I forgot what it was. But yeah, again, I'm happy to accept everything you've just said, and I agree. I don't know, maybe this is nitpicky, but this is just my defensive reflex mechanism. I would hope that you feel the same way about your way of— yeah?

Leah Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly where I'm at. It's both of us. And I don't know when it was, I feel like it was right before a big fight, but my issue with the stonewalling and my behavior is that it didn't just happen once or twice or three or four or five times. This was something that was repeatedly happening every single time we had conflict, and it would drive both of us insane from both of our behaviors and reactions to it. When we should have identified like, this is where it's going wrong in both of us. But I think I did try to tell you also a few weeks ago, like how my mom stonewalls me. And I can't relate that to you in a way that justifies how insane my mother is, but I did try sitting you down very early on and being like, "I need you to understand what stonewalling does to me." And out of all the behaviors, that's the one thing that is incredibly triggering for me. I honestly don't know if I have a worse trigger than that. So please also know, for the most part, I did hold my shit in on that. I'm proud of myself for keeping it in as long as I could. But then I crashed. And I tried— I do feel like I tried talking about it. And that's where I tried a few weeks ago, making more coping mechanisms, like "this is what the psych people say about how to deal with stonewalling." Because I also know that you can't help it. And it's not like with my mom because my mom is a narcissist, she does that shit on purpose. I know that you don't, which is why it made it even shittier in my head to feel upset about it. But it's still probably one of the number one triggers, next to men touching me, of how to make me feel the most unsafe. Because it's also like the floor is gonna come out at any second. You don't know what you're gonna say after that, and then I'm sitting there freaking out trying to fix it. I really tried to work on that with you and I'm sorry that I lost it because of it. But it's both of us and I wish that both of us could have come up with more healthy coping mechanisms.

Tristan Yeah, I agree. And I'm sorry that my behavior is a direct trigger and trauma for you.

Leah Yeah, and it's also like, I don't want you to think about that. And I don't want to pull a fucking Eva on you where she's like "you're fat because I'm anorexic." It's not like that at all. That just happens to be one boundary of things that are done to me in relationships that will destroy me. But yeah, so like every single problem that I've given you and every time I fucked up, it traces back to that. So I'm really trying to work on it, getting as much help as I can. This is my biggest concern of dating you, and especially you coming out of an abusive relationship. I have always been aware of the cycle of abuse and that's gonna be the rest of my life, battling my way out of that. And all I can do is be self-aware of that and take accountability for when I fuck up because it's inevitable. And that's my biggest fear and I'm sorry that it came true and I'm sorry that I let my personal stuff affect you.

Tristan Yeah, baby, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that everything happened in the first place and that it has to be repeated again and I was the cause of that too. So I'm sorry too. Oh, thank you, baby.

Leah Which, I guess my final point to that was, I have my triggers and they honestly have so little to do with our relationship in terms of things like that where there's a visible trigger of "don't do that thing." Because when have you ever heard me be like "oh, that's triggering to me?" Usually it's very weird little things, like I need to sit facing the door. Weird little things that have nothing to do with our relationship, that's just a me thing. However, it started becoming an us thing when it was repetitively happening, and then I already have it associated with my trauma and then it became a new trauma on top of it. That's where I really crashed out. Because you should talk to Claude about this, but the worst part with CPTSD— the number one worst part of it, that I'll be fighting my way out of forever— is that when these traumatic events happen to you, CPTSD people figure out ways to recreate those events in their lives. So for example, I got canceled in high school so I never got over that. Everyone hates me, insecurity, paranoia of people out to get me, blah blah blah. Of course I went to GMU and Oxford and then sold those people off too because I just assumed that everyone hates me. But that's also my battle too. People who still dislike me no matter how nice I act. And that was also my social experiment at Oxford where I pretended to be normal for a year and even then I was still getting bullied and I was normal, like there were no weird comments coming from me at all. But I have a problem with assuming that in other people and recreating my traumatic situations. I don't know, maybe there's a problem with that. It's just one way to interpret it, like me recreating my mom.

Tristan I don't know, that felt a little bit like a leap. But then again, I don't really know your mom well enough. But yeah, I mean, I agree with what you were saying up until that point. And I'm really, really sorry that you have to deal with that, and that it even arose in the first place. Nobody deserves to be traumatized. Ever.

Leah Yeah, exactly. And I guess what I was trying to express out of that whole spiel is that it wasn't usually a trigger and that was something that was left in the past. But when it started happening again with you, it became one again and it became re-traumatizing. And I know you didn't realize that. But I was also talking about this with Jackie, and I'm obviously not a big fan of Jackie— but there's nothing I've done to prove— I didn't even know Jackie. But it was like a group of guys that— it was actually pretty like a kid's trip from the beach, yeah. And people really definitely checked in. But it was just a matter of finding a better way to go about that. And even that doesn't change the fact that like— I don't know. Like, will the stonewalling ever go away if you don't trust me?

Tristan Well, that feels very loaded and also kind of self-referential because—

Leah Yeah, like, I'm sure that— I'm putting the blame on myself for your stuff.

Tristan Well, I feel like indirectly yes. Because I also feel like, if I was, hypothetically, dating another one of me— which feels silly to even hypothesize— just imagine it on the level of two people, like an extreme example, two people like me who just try to acknowledge an issue, make each other understood, find some kind of resolution, and then forgive each other.

Leah Can I also— here's the thing too, I do feel like I'm the only one, even though I failed, I was the only one at least attempting to have those conversations. And that's also— which conversations? The fix-it conversations. They didn't ever come out right, but there were a few times, like I tried to do a relationship check-in and I tried to talk to you. Like, the past two weeks before Mexico I was saying to you pretty much three nights in a row, "I really feel like we haven't connected recently and I want to go on a date with you." And you were not also making effort in that department. And that's because in my view you're emotionally unavailable. And there's nothing wrong with that, but you were not trying to make enough of those connections with me, or at least in the way that I need it.

Tristan That makes sense. Yeah, that's the way I feel. Yeah, I can understand.

Leah I'm sorry. Valentine's, and the built-up resentment of like every single month, and the anniversary, and feeling anxious about Valentine's or Christmas or my birthday because I felt like you were not going to show up for me in the way that I needed, and also the way that I told you and communicated to you. Like, I really wanted to do that stupid dinner with you. It's a two-way street is all I'm trying to express. We both crashed out because of it. But I also, I don't know, I'm trying to figure out if you've never tried to work on it with me, or if this is a recent thing. Because I do feel like for the vast majority of the relationship, even in the first two months, you and I were discussing how it's not reciprocated as much as it should be. Does that make sense?

Tristan I don't remember having those kinds of conversations early on.

Leah But I guess that didn't come until a few months in because I was just so excited to go on dates with you. I was like, I don't care if I planned them, I just wanted to hang out with you. Yeah, that's what it ended up being for the whole relationship. Like, "oh, so you're busy." And of course I'm happy to share the labor load on date planning and booking things, that's no issue. But I wish that you would have made more of an effort, even outside of dates, to connect with me. Like, that's why I'm so adamant about dates every week, because you do grow apart in the week because you haven't seen each other and you need that time to reconnect and be intentional. And I felt like you just didn't want that with me because you weren't doing it no matter how much I begged you or reminded you. That's where I was like, so I don't know.

Tristan Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry about that. I still don't have a really good explanation for that because it's really complicated from my point of view. Because I do really love you and care about you and always want to do what I can to make you happy. Somehow I interpreted or got myself locked into a system where my brain ended up defaulting to stalling until it was too late, basically. And that's what would happen every time. Because it's not like I was hoping you would forget that it was our anniversary or that you would somehow be like "oh yeah, you didn't plan anything but it's totally fine, who cares." I never imagined that for a second.

Leah Yeah. Could you also bear with me for a second too? All those times that I was making comments about you being a man or weaponizing confidence— it was not just like— some of them were blanket personal attacks, etc. None of them intentionally super malicious. More a desperate attempt to try and get you to see how I was feeling, and I was doing it wrong. But that kind of situation is exactly the same way that I feel about the stonewalling. Because it is because of functional freeze, I can't do anything about it and there's nothing to fix it. And every month that you did that made me feel not super cared about in the way that I needed. And every month you were super apologetic and I don't want to fight with you over something as stupid as planning dates. And it is just a, you know, ADHD thing or whatever. But when you're doing it every month it puts me in a position where that's what I would describe as weaponizing confidence. You know that you're doing something wrong, you know that you can do something about it, but you also are saying at the same time "I'm just like that."

Tristan And the thing that's really tough is that I am trying to do something about that. And because the end result is that nothing happens, it seems like I never did anything. But I am, like, at least many multiples of hours have gone into deep thinking about what we can do for any of these days. And retrospectively it's easy to say I could have just picked the first one and that would have been easy enough.

Leah Yeah, I mean, I was really only asking for super planned dates like maybe twice a month, if that. It really is just month to month on what we're doing and how we're feeling. But I was at least expecting— I really had to push for you to book an anniversary dinner and things like that. And I understand you just got in your head thinking about it, like "is it good enough?" She just wanted to do literally anything with you, you know? Not like be planned— it doesn't matter what the date is. The date is that we're spending intentional time to connect with each other. It doesn't matter what it is as long as I know we're doing something together. But that's where she also grew frustrated because it just shouldn't have happened.

Tristan Yeah, I agree. I'm sorry about that. I do wish I could have done that all those times. I wish I would have done that. And it's unsustainable for me to not be able to do that, so I'm not trying to argue that my behavior was right because I know it's wrong. Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, actually. Because the tragedy of it is that he really does love you. And I don't know if you remember, but every single time that this fight would come up, I would always very explicitly say all I knew and all I cared about was that we spent this day thoughtfully with each other. And hopefully outside. Well, I guess I didn't necessarily think that, but I agree that that would have been nice.

Leah Yeah, but this is supposed to be a special thing to celebrate us. And it shouldn't be like a regular, "we're just at home." Which, that's special too, but that would have to be like, "let's have a movie night at home or have a special dinner." There just needs to be more intentionality behind it, if that makes sense.

Tristan Yeah, yeah, I understand. Yeah, that was— if it is just staying home. But yeah, I know, I agree. I could have, I should have done better.

Leah Yeah. It's not an excuse either, but that also did feed into "he doesn't want me so I should just leave."

Tristan Yeah, baby. Self-sabotage. That's basically the end conclusion of everything, whether intentional or not. It was all self-sabotage. It's really unfortunate and I honestly still don't know what to do about it.

Tristan Yeah, I don't know, baby. That's where also, this no contact thing is very torturous because that's never what I wanted. I never wanted to be disconnected from you. That has never, ever, ever been what I wanted and I'm 100% certain of that.

Leah Yeah, I understand. That's my worst nightmare too. But also at the same time, we have to be realistic about not hurting each other. Yeah, and right now I don't know either. And maybe what I do know is that both of us deserve someone who is not going to walk away when things get hard.

Tristan I mean, on the surface level, I totally agree with you. Just the past two weeks have been particularly— I just had several of these moments of stepping out of it and being like, objectively, if I heard of this scenario and the way these fights had played out on a show or in a movie, I would have been like "yeah, the director is trying to show that there's abuse going on." Like, it just felt objectively— okay, I understand. I'm sorry. But I also hope you understand that I feel the same way.

Leah Yeah, I totally agree. We both put ourselves in this situation. There's not this hierarchy of who did what worse. I totally agree.

Tristan But that's what it's like— I also want to, you know, ideally, fully— it does still feel— and I don't know how to fix this again.

Leah I love you so much and I want what's best for you. That's it. Like, I love you more than I love— and I want what's best for you, and that's all I've ever wanted for you. And right now, we're not that. And I'm really sorry that I've hurt you, that I've affected you in the way that I have. It's my fault. But again, this is also like, I understand the lack of trusting, but in the way that I perceive it, I love you unconditionally. I made a commitment to falling in love with you no matter how many times we fell out of love or got into a fight. And you're just not in a position to fulfill that commitment, nor do you really want to, nor can you. And that's what I've been processing all week. And unfortunately, I do see that as like, you don't love me unconditionally. And you love me in your own way and I appreciate and value that so much. It's been lived for every single day with you the past eight months. It's been awesome and we had so much fun. But I just want someone to love me no matter what. And you love me in your own way, but I feel like I love you no matter what. And I have never felt like that was reciprocated. Ever. And I've been waiting in the relationship for that to happen, and I ended up pushing for it and self-sabotaging that. Maybe all I ever wanted in any of our fights was just for you to say "I want you and I love you no matter what." And for many of them, that's why we broke up, the past few times, that you couldn't say that. I know that you want me, but that's another thing for me to reckon with. I think that you want the support that I provided, the time period for when it was nice for you, and then when it stopped being convenient you don't want it anymore. And that's valid.

Tristan I would strongly contest that. Because if anything, what's been painful for me the most these past few days has been, first of all, feeling so awful for how bad you must have been feeling. And then also—

Leah I mean, that's what she's been doing too, like both of us.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah And I felt like I couldn't feel bad about how I was feeling, and I'm sure you felt the same way. And I've tried really hard to address both of ours in a way that's fair to both of us and doesn't negate the other's hurt. It's my intention and I'm sorry if I didn't do that correctly.

Tristan Yeah, no, so I mean, I'm not saying that as like something went wrong these past few days. I'm saying we both did this and it was, I would say, the healthy thing. But I'm just saying there was that. And then the other very painful point was just all of these things that reminded me of you. And every time I saw something that was basically four degrees of separation from anything we had talked about, it would remind me of something I would want to tell you, or some comment I would want to make, or some idea. So many things remind me of the trips we've had or trips we were going to have.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan But so, maybe as much as I love and appreciate your support too, I hope you don't think that this is about support or something. Because the thing that I value about us most— you could have never done anything for me and I would still feel the same way. It doesn't matter. It's not like I've been relying on this support, and now I have to sacrifice a part of me to keep it, so "nope, sorry, I'm out." It really is just that—

Leah Wait, that's not how you're like?

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Yeah, okay. I agree with everything you're saying.

Tristan Like, I don't know. It felt very reducing, calling it about support and making it sound like a convenience thing. Because I'm really emotionally invested in you. I care about you and I care so much about how you're feeling.

Leah Yeah. But it also is something for me to process. Frankly, that's just me going through my emotions. And it is like, I am no longer tolerable in your life right now. And that is something for me to take accountability for and reckon with. Like, I stopped being convenient enough to be around and useful enough and safe enough to be around. And that's okay, it's the way that you feel. But that's the way that I perceive that. Because I still— maybe the thing that you need to accept, going forward, at least for my healing, is that you have stopped that commitment. And that's the central part. That commitment is our relationship. And that's what's ended. And it's not coming back. And you've told me that's no longer a commitment that you want to make. And that's okay. But I think we need to process that as it is. Because I'm committed to doing whatever I could, but there's nothing that I can do at that point to make you want to commit to me. And honestly, I feel like that was never there to begin with.

Tristan Baby, it was really there. I was begging, begging for a solution up until Monday morning when I left. I was begging, begging, begging.

Leah Like, that commitment that we made to each other— it was a horrible weekend. It shouldn't have happened. But I can only demonize myself so much for making a horrible mistake out of desperation and agony and all these fucked up things that we were dealing with. You and I both fucked up. And all I can do is say that I have apologized to you and I came back and I tried to fix it. And if you don't want to fix it, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. That's your truth. That's valid. And I understand you might not see me as giving you many reasons to fix it. And that's okay too. But I just need you to address the fact that, in my mind, no matter what, that's what I see as that commitment to you is with the seriousness of how I felt about you, baby. It was unconditional, that commitment. And that's what I've been looking for in a relationship my whole life. That's why all of them have ended. I want family. That's it. And it's because partially you're not in a position to make that commitment and you just emotionally can't. You're not emotionally able to do that.

Tristan But do you understand why I don't feel like I'm ready to jump at it?

Leah Yeah. Because I've hurt you.

Tristan Yeah. And— it's like, sorry to put it in these terms, but it's like as if hearing the person that just physically beat you was like, "oh my God, I'm so sorry, I never meant that, I'll try, I'll do everything I can to stop that from happening. BT dubs, I did kind of beat you because you were kind of provoking me. But yeah, I promise it will never happen again. Please, you have to accept me. You have to accept my apology and my forgiveness and trust that I'll change."

Leah I don't think you have to accept that at all. That's what I'm telling you. None of that at all. I hear you. There's a lot of hurt there.

Tristan You know, he loves you. He is just really, really hurt. And that's why he wanted to spend that time to himself and figure out— that's okay.

Leah You know, no, you're valid in everything that you feel. And again, I don't want to take away from the harm that I've done because it's my fault and that only rests on me. But I really hope that you can empathize with me feeling the exact same way, especially describing it like the person who beat you. I feel not only that way, but when I tried to get up and be like, "hey, that was fucked up," you're like, "what beating? I have no idea what you're talking about." And you feel probably the same way that I've done that to you. And I'm sorry. We shouldn't have been doing that to each other. Period.

Tristan Yeah, me too. I agree. I'm sorry too.

Leah And I don't mean to describe it as like a— all I've been trying to express to you is that, from my end, I made an unconditional commitment to working on it with you no matter what. And I feel that you are not in that with me. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, for your own reasons. The way that you feel is valid. I'm not holding that against you. I'm not saying that you have to accept that or forgive me or anything. All I'm saying is that I am heartbroken and you are too. And that commitment is over from your side. And that's okay. We just need to establish that. And maybe there's no conversation I could have with you that is going to bring you back to me. And I can't keep myself in a position of hoping that you will. And vice versa. And I don't want you to be thinking about me every time you see something. And maybe that's going to be the way that it is for the next few months, maybe next few years for me. That's the hardest part of a breakup, that everything reminds us of each other because you are my everything. We didn't do a single thing apart from each other for seven months. We live together. So much. So she got wrapped up in her own bubble and I got lost in my own shit. I let my personal problems hurt you and get in the way of our relationship. And I tried to commit to you and fixing that the best that I could. But I didn't have the toolkit or the knowledge to deal with it at that time. And I wish that I did and I wish that I had acted sooner. But I don't want to hold you back because you're just not committed to me anymore. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't want you to spend this whole week trying to develop that for me either. That's not what I want at all. I don't want no contact either. But there isn't any other choice of what would be best for both of us. Because one, you don't want to make a commitment to me because you don't trust me and I hurt you, and that's valid. And two, you also are emotionally not in a place to do that regardless of our relationship existing. You do need to go be single and things like that. I want what's best for you. And I would like to think that it's me, but I don't know that. And I don't want to put you in a position again where I jeopardize your well-being just because I love you and I don't want to lose you. But you're my bird. And I really do want the best for you. And I'm sorry that I haven't done more to show you that and demonstrate that to you. But I spent a week processing this as, I felt like you decommitted a long time ago and then I just self-sabotaged you into going over the edge. And that's just the way that I feel. It might not be what actually happened. That's just the way that I see it. That's the way that I'm able to process this right now because we're both still in shock too. There's no— it's okay. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. That's my main concern, that you're able to heal from this. And in your next relationship, you don't think that all women are going to abuse you because they're not. You just got bad luck. I don't know what to tell you. It got me at the worst time of my life. Literally the worst time of my life. And I let that affect you. And I don't want to hold you back.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I don't want to be let go either. The whole situation is so fucked up. And we've both done so much damage. Yeah, baby, I'm just really—

Leah It's good to get to a point where you can't deal with it anymore. There's nothing wrong with that. It's cool being a human. I'm proud of you for telling me everything and saying your truth and telling me the way that you feel.

Tristan Sorry, but I feel like— what are you interpreting this as?

Leah Like, which part of it?

Tristan Well, you're saying "thank you for telling me your truth." What truth?

Leah Oh, literally just for telling me that you felt like you felt abused. Thank you for making me aware that it was that bad. And that I was not aware of these behaviors that I was doing and the extent of the damage that it was causing to you. And holding me accountable. I don't want to be with a partner who doesn't say anything and just lets me be a shithead. And that's been one of my favorite parts about you, is that you do disagree with me. And nine times out of ten, you've been able to turn me around on a lot of issues. Unfortunately, it took me too long to come around on these ones. But I appreciate that you pushed me to grow and be more self-aware and more aware of my behavior and the way that it affects people. I'm so sorry that it's affected you in the way that it did. But thank you for telling me. That's it.

Tristan Yeah. Well—

Leah I'm sorry. And your feelings are valid. That's it.

Tristan Thank you for being so responsive and hearing all of this. Thank you. He appreciates it. But sorry, I asked the question because it felt like you were implying that I was saying that I had definitively made up my mind, and that I had given up on trying on us. And I don't know, it felt like you were wrapping up the statement.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan I mean—

Leah Honestly, baby. That's where I'm at. Because it's so complicated.

Tristan I agree.

Leah Baby, I would do anything for you. Anything.

Tristan Well, that's where he's like, again— and I haven't made any decision. Nor am I trying to contemplate all of life to figure out what my decision is.

Leah Yeah, baby. But the thing is, simultaneously too, I don't know if this is a thing to come up with a compromise over, or to cut it. I don't know. I'm processing this just as much as you are. And I'm just as confused and bamboozled and finding things out for the first time. And this is my first time living too. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know if there's something to find a compromise on. I don't know if it's something to cut. But I can't wait any longer for you to say that you want me and that you want to be with me.

Tristan Baby, that is kind of just what I said, like 20 minutes ago, when I said baby, I miss you so much. Not a literal single second goes by since we last saw each other where I'm not trying to make sense of what happened, why it's happening, why I'm like this. Why everything. Yeah.

Leah And I don't want to push you to make a decision at the same time. But it is also like, both of us have been mentally toiling over this for over a week now. And it sucks that we're just starting to heal the situation on both ends. But I don't know, baby. You deserve someone who would commit to you instantly no matter what. That's the thing that I'm also struggling with. That commitment to you never went away. It was unconditional. And I understand you might have come in with that, but maybe you're at a point now where you just literally, mentally can't. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just can't wait for you to come and love me in the way that both of us need. I'm willing to do whatever that takes for you, but I don't feel like you're willing to do that for me right now. Because you need to do that for yourself first.

Tristan Well, to a certain extent, I mean, overall that's true. But I really, really, really do believe that it was just that Monday that a switch flipped. And we both flipped in opposite directions. You went towards being super compromising, "let's fix this, nothing can ever tear us apart," blah blah. And simultaneously I was left with the impression that how we had left it that morning was final. And then from trying to leave every other abusive relationship ever, it's like—

Leah That's what I don't want you to feel like, baby. That's where I'm having the wake-up call. What I'm feeling honestly right now is like, there's two sides of the coin. By some miracle, we could get back together, and that would require a straight-up commitment.

Tristan You're not in the place to do that right now. So that's issue number one.

Leah But that's not like I don't finalize think I can commit. That's like, I don't know if I can commit.

Tristan Baby, that's the thing. I don't know if I can bring that commitment back. Because again, up until Monday midday, I literally broke down every single facet of my being trying to come up with some compromise.

Leah Yeah. I'm sorry.

Tristan And then the next day, Monday afternoon, you kept insisting that all of that was false, that you didn't mean this. And how am I supposed to feel when I've just been basically told to eat dirt, and then you come back six hours later and you're like, "no, but I never meant to—" It just felt like such a huge jump that my brain was just so in shock by what happened overall. Not just the hurt from that morning. It went from the extreme bad to the extreme good so fast that I also kind of freaked out, being like, "what the fuck is going on? How do I also know that I can believe and trust this right now when literally eight hours ago it was the exact opposite?" And now you're saying that you didn't mean anything that was said eight hours ago. So that's just also where— again, up until Monday morning, I was like, I would have done anything. I was really, really, really struggling. And I spent the whole day struggling with myself wondering how we got to this point.

Leah You know how you're checked out right now? And withdrawn and scared and stuff?

Tristan You know.

Leah That's how the baby was on the weekend. And that was also, in a fucked-up way— I shouldn't have done any of it— but that was my way of self-sabotaging to delusionally protect us by hurting us. Like, if I can finally— I don't know what I was thinking, I was just delusional. I was having my own breakdown over it. And the reason that there was that switch on Monday is because, of course, the whole weekend I felt bad about everything you're telling me, baby. The whole weekend I was sitting there begging, crying for you to do something. And there was no compromise that was proposed that would be—

Tristan No, well, the reason that I felt so determined by the time I left Monday morning is that I thought we had both basically reached the conclusion of, we have this irreconcilable difference. And we have these mutually exclusive boundaries. And—

Leah And I don't want this to affect me or you anymore. And I did it in the wrong way.

Tristan But like—

Leah It shouldn't have happened. It was both of us crashing out. And Monday, the reason why I immediately snapped back is because— I don't know, maybe in my delusional mind, I thought that if I could push and push and push and keep crying, then you would finally see how hurt I was. And not that I wanted to end the relationship— I never said that. I only said "I feel like I have to" because it's true. I can never feel safe with Arjun's presence, in any capacity. And I was self-sabotaging trying to get you to believe that. And that's where a reparable thing that we couldn't agree on that weekend— maybe honestly I don't think it even really happened until later that week after the weekend. Of like, "oh shit, this actually was really, really bad." And I just didn't understand. I don't know when that realization happened for you.

Tristan I mean, that was definitely over the weekend. That's where we had— I felt like we had reached the point of like, "I agree with you that he made those comments. I agree that they were hurtful objectively. I agree that you were right to feel pain and hurt about it. I agree that what he did was fucked up. I agree that he should be reprimanded. I agree that that was a bad character move." And then the only point we disagreed on is the only solution to this is that I completely cut him off. That was our only disagreement. At the end of the day, I agree with you fully about what he did. Can you pause and hug for a second?

Leah From my perspective— it's not an excuse— the baby felt really trapped. And because that will always be an inherent fact of dating you. And it was like she felt like she was trapped in a box and she was doing anything to escape. And you have the key but you also don't have the key. It's complicated. And I felt like I was telling you "I'm hurting, I'm hurting, I'm hurting" and you are not willing to do the one thing, in my mind, in that moment, that would fix that. And it's not even about— in my mind in the moment— objectively, I do feel like I will never be able to feel safe around your friends. Or telling you personal things just in case, I don't know, you break up one day and you're like "I hate her" and you go tell all my personal shit. Which is your right and that's valid too. But that's just an objective fact that I had to accept the whole relationship. And that's what I was breaking down over. I never wanted to come in between that relationship with you and Arjun. I didn't want it to be cut off. But I need to feel completely safe. And that's where I shut down and lashed out. I felt like you were unable to see how you were negotiating my safety with me. And also, part of that was like "he's not anywhere near you" blah blah blah. And you're right about that. Like, even in proximity, I just don't feel safe. And that's where I flipped out. That was my final compromise. I was like, "you need to cut off Arjun." And that would be the only thing to fix it because that would have been the only thing in that moment to make me feel safe. And you're right, I was shut down. And maybe just like a little autistic kid crying underneath the desk. That's literally what the whole weekend was. Me lashing out and also crying under the desk. But the whole point of that, in my delusional mind that I relayed to you improperly and hurt you with, is that I felt like I was hurting so bad for so long and that nothing I could do, not even breaking up with you, would show you how you hurt me or how you affected me. And no amount of begging would get you to believe that I was hurt or that you would do anything about it. And I felt trapped. And I felt like I had to self-sabotage to get us out of the relationship. But also at the same time, I honestly knew you were not going to cut off Arjun. But I thought— I don't know what I thought. I didn't see a breakup. I think I was just hoping that you would see how I was hurting. And instead I hurt you back. And I'm sorry.

Tristan Well, he still loves you too. I'm sorry about that.

Leah I hope you can take that with as much a grain of salt as you can. Like, maybe she was having her little mental break at the same time. That was not a good time. That was a breaking point for me. And Monday, the quick turnaround was not even— Monday was desperation. I didn't think that you would try to debate my safety with me. And that's why I ended it. And then on Monday, obviously, you wake up and then you say that shit to me, and then it's like, okay, he's gone out the door. And in my mind, I was shut down all week about that too, from the weekend. I was like, "he doesn't believe in what I need for safety and he's not willing to give that to me." And those were two different things, I think now. We're just on "you're not willing to give that to me." That's okay, but that's just an objective fact that I would have to accept about our relationship. And that's where I was trying to self-sabotage, like "that cannot happen to anyone, that's not okay." And also the fact that there is a hierarchy and I will never be as important to you or valued as much. And I've been processing that for like seven months. So she broke down.

Tristan I mean, low-key, that's what I've been doing for seven months too. I've been valuing you over Arjun. And that's why I literally stopped talking to him for seven months.

Leah Yeah, baby. Which honestly, I really didn't know the extent of you doing that intentionally. Yeah, I knew that you were not going out of your way to reach out to Arjun, but I didn't think it was like that. I thought you guys were both busy and Arjun's not reaching out to you and it's just like you guys only see each other a few times a year. I literally only thought it was just like, "that was kind of weird, let's let a few months pass." And it was not an intentional choice. And I know that you told me that, but it was hard for me to believe and trust you on. And even that didn't feel like enough. Which is where I shut down too, of just letting a few months pass by and not doing anything. I felt like I was even more trapped. And it was just never going to get resolved. And the only way to resolve it is to end the hurt. And baby, that's all I was desperate for that weekend, was to end the hurt for both of us. And I ended up hurting both of us worse. And then on Monday, I came back and I was like, "oh shit, my relationship's over because Arjun ruined it." And I crashed out about it. And yeah, of course I don't want to lose you. And we've been going through a back and forth all week of "we should probably break up," but both of us are desperate to be with each other because we love each other and we care about each other and we're attached to each other. But I don't want it to be like those fucked-up toxic abusive relationships where we're just going back and forth to each other. I don't want that. And I don't want that for you. And I thought, in my mind, there's no other way but to blow up on him and make him see me as ugly and make him think that I'm crazy and whatever, so he'll not want to be with me and that will finally be it. That's not right, but I hope it at least gives you more context of where I was at. Because I was mentally desperate.

I don't know, baby. No, it's not an excuse. But I hope you try to empathize with, you know, I probably broke down like 10 or 15, probably more like 15 times crying to you about how bad the Arjun thing was to me. And by the 15th time of naked, begging, crying to you, I did lose my shit. It pushed me over the edge and I lost it. And I should have known to step away. And that's my fault.

Tristan Well, yeah, baby. I'm sorry that I didn't step in earlier. Oh—

Leah Yeah. And that's also like, I know it wasn't your intention, but that's also where I felt the A word. And I don't know if you've looked up reactive abuse, but it's exactly what I was doing. And after so many times of not being believed, baby— why wouldn't I go insane?

Tristan Yeah. I mean, obviously I don't think that you shouldn't have gone insane. Yeah.

Leah Exactly, that's the thing. In the same way that I wish that you didn't feel unsafe talking to me, I wish that I did not feel, you know— I wish that I felt safe talking to you. And I wish that I felt safe enough to tell you when I feel unsafe. And we don't have that, we didn't have that in each other. I'm sorry. It didn't happen. But I hope that you forgive me and understand me a little bit more as a human, and not just someone who's mean and doesn't love you. Because I do.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I've always fully believed that you love me. Which is also, and just like you, led me to confusion and frustration and yeah, a lot of confusion.

Leah Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's totally unintended. I'm sorry that it didn't end up being that way. And I wish that, I know we had talked earlier, and that you had tried more with me. Because that's something that's going to be hard for me to process with the breakup. Even though I did it all fucked up, part of the reason why I went so insane that weekend is because maybe— I didn't do it correctly, but I tried in my own fucked-up way to fix things so many times.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I did too.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan He really did. He was begging. He was on his knees.

Leah Yeah, baby. That's the thing, you were like that towards the end. And I feel like I was like that pretty early in the beginning. And I'm sorry that I felt that way. But I don't know, maybe she really just did feel like towards the end, like I'm just not a value to you like that. And so I figured, well fuck it, if I'm not there's value, okay. That's okay.

Tristan Yeah, baby. That's tragic. Because it's really not true.

Leah Aw.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I wish— this is where we just need a mediator to tell us bluntly to our face, "you both clearly value each other. You both tried to make things work between you two because you both were worried that you were gonna lose what you had between you two. And you both did the thing that ended up provoking more situations." And yeah, because I feel like we both agree on this. And it would have felt nice to have a third person that reaffirm that because I do believe that we both think that.

Leah Yeah. It's not even about thinking about that. I think that's just what happened. I think that we're two humans. That's really it. Nothing more, nothing less. And when humans fall in love, it gets messy. But I'm grateful as shit for all the time that we got to spend together. And all the ways that you've pushed me to become a better person. And even when I wasn't super receptive to it, I have listened to you and I'm learning. I'm sorry that we didn't recognize it sooner. And I'm sorry that both of us didn't work on it sooner as a couple, as a unit. And I'm sorry that we stopped being partners.

Tristan Yeah, me too, baby. That's never what he wanted either. The opposite of—

Leah Yeah.

You were the first person in my entire life to ever really take care of me. And I'm sorry that I— what's the expression— bit the hand that feeds me.

Tristan I mean, I'm sorry both of us did it. And that's a great description of my reaction Monday.

Leah I wish that there was something that I could do to make you feel better and make you feel safe around me again. But I don't think that— I don't know. Neither one of us can predict the future. But I do need someone who maybe can't commit to being with me forever, but can commit to really trying. And right now you're not able to do that. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Tristan Yeah. I mean, I do really, really fundamentally feel like this is a very temporary reaction. Slash I also don't know where it ends up. But it's really not that— I don't know, baby. He really tried.

Leah It's okay. That's why I wanted to talk to you today. And that's also why I broke no contact. She knows. She's not stupid. I hope, that's why I started this phone call— it's like, I hope that you can forgive me one day in your own time. I'm really, really sorry that I hurt you. And sorry that I didn't stop it sooner and recognize it myself. Yeah. I love you. And that will never change.

Tristan Yeah, baby.

Leah It's time for us to go our own ways. For real. And I don't know— I would like to think that there's a chance, but I don't see any way for you to forgive me anytime soon. Or want anything with me. I just can't see you wanting me. And I've been feeling that way for a while. And that's not going to change. Maybe you feel the same, I don't know. That commitment is gone. And when that commitment is gone, there's no more relationship. Because that's what we were founded on. We were founded on being partners and working through it together.

Tristan I mean—

Leah It's okay though. We're not like that anymore. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

Tristan I mean, well, again, from my point of view, it does feel like, okay, yeah, the hurt was mutual and everything, and we both did things to self-sabotage. But it feels like I haven't even gotten back up after being put down. And then it's like—

Leah I'm sorry. That's why she's also like— that's where I see it as my moral imperative to leave and not make you feel like— so you can have a chance to get up on your own two feet without feeling like I'm knocking you over. I don't want you to feel like that at all.

Tristan Well, it's not that. It's just that I feel like I just haven't even had time to properly process.

Leah Yeah. And I haven't been— it's gonna take a long time because we have eight months of processing to do. And it doesn't even count our love. We're gonna be processing memories and how we feel about each other and all the things that we're upset about each other with. These things are going to ebb and flow. And in a week you're probably gonna realize like "oh my god, I didn't realize this thing was going on in our relationship and I'm really upset about it." You can come talk to me about that. And I will do my best to take accountability for hurting you and apologize. What can I do to help you process this? Is there anything else that you feel like is not closed or something that I've hurt you on that you don't feel like is addressed enough or you want to talk about again?

Tristan No, I guess you touched on it a lot. But it was just the fact that a lot of those sentiments were reciprocal.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Yeah, and I'm sorry.

Tristan Me too, baby.

Leah Yeah, baby. They've got to be adults now. We both need to go rebuild. And when we are back up and running to our normal capacities, you and I are going to be stronger than ever. And even better than we were together. And if you were able to love me that much, I can't even imagine how lucky the next person is going to be.

Tristan No, no, baby. That's your classic Felix line. I won't take it from you.

Leah Is that what he said to you?

Tristan No, that's what you said to him.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Oh wait. Maybe. Maybe was that what I said about Felix? I think that might have been what I said about Felix and Eva being like—

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah. I don't remember actually. But yeah.

Leah I think it might have been you. You might be right. But it's a good line. And both of us are in shock so we're not going to be able to believe that. But maybe there is a dream girl out there for you. And I have always been, regardless of what problems, concerned that I was keeping you from who you were really meant to be with. And that's also another reason. I don't want to keep you from meeting who you should really be with. Who you need and who you want. Some crazy comp-sci girly old raver baddie. I want that for you. And I will never feel good enough for you. Because I'm not. I'm not right for you.

Tristan I mean, again, I do feel like we could have easily grown into each other.

Leah Yeah, maybe. That's the thing too. Maybe— I'm honestly really confused where this is going. Both of us are getting desperate to save our relationship because it's ended. And we're feeling the pain of that and the grief and how terrifying it is and losing our entire support systems. Because as much as we both have support systems and friends to lean on, it's never going to be like how we were. That's a whole different kind of support. You're my life. You're my universe.

Tristan That will be—

Leah Hard as fuck. And that's also, I don't know, one of the greatest things you've ever given me. The fact that that's a possibility and the fact that I got to experience that just for a second made it all worth it. Minus the hurt. But even then, when I got with you, I made the commitment: I knew with getting into any relationship with anyone, you're going to hurt each other. And I'm sorry that it was way worse than either of us expected or intended. But I don't know, baby, just the privilege of loving you. She will be living in those memories for the rest of her life.

Tristan Yeah, baby, me too. And I'm not ready to let them go. Slash, I couldn't ever.

Leah Yeah, baby. Well, you're my universe.

Tristan I will get little bed frames for our box.

Leah You mean little boxes for our bed frames?

Tristan Well, yeah, I guess. Close enough.

Leah Yeah, baby. Of course I want you and I love you. And I'm committed to doing whatever makes you feel the safest. And I don't think that's going to ever be me. And I'm sorry. And I want you to feel that. And I don't want to hold you back from that. So the baby wants to set her baby bird free. Because she's been keeping him from flying. And she doesn't want to do that.

I think— she's gonna sleep on his bed and— yeah. And breakups are the hardest thing you will do in your entire life. I've been through every pain, baby. All of them. All the traumas. There is nothing like a breakup.

Tristan Baby, like, thank god you know it's over? That is the opposite of what I'm thinking right now. And that is where I'm like, okay, I understand what a breakup feels like and it's awful.

Leah Yeah, baby. Because this is also not my first time being in love with someone that I'm incompatible with. And that pain is so much worse than "I hate you and we've been in this for so long and I'm excited to get away from you." It's like, we're grieving the fact that we couldn't find that in-between. And we're in love with each other but we're just not meant to be with each other, I guess. Or can't. Or whatever. And that's the worst because we're compatible in all the other ways except for these fundamental things. Not to say that I think that any of our fundamentals are wildly that different from each other. I think that we just fail to unite them even when they are pretty much the same.

Tristan They literally pretty much are exactly the same.

Leah Yeah, and that will be— that's what I've been telling you. That's what she's been doing all week and that's what she's been processing: was it really that we're incompatible or did we just stop choosing to try together? And I think it was the latter.

Tristan Maybe a combination of two. Well, I would say chicken and egg. I don't think that we lost hope for each other before having to confront literally some of the hardest things that I've ever heard described about any relationship ever.

Leah Yeah, maybe. I don't know if I will ever have anything like you ever again. And she will be living with her mistakes and her failures from that for the rest of her life. Yeah. She loves you. Nothing about that will ever change. But she can't keep waiting around for you. And you can't keep waiting around for me or to decide if there's ever going to come a day that you trust me again. Because it's unfair to you. It's unfair to me. It hurts both of us.

Tristan You feel under pressure. It's not fair to any of us. Well, I mean, reflexively I guess it feels like I'm not given the chance to make a decision in this, in a kind of extreme way. Because again, I agree that I don't want uncertainty and I don't want ambiguity and I don't want any of that either because I know that we both want stability.

Leah Yeah, that's why— I don't know. My position on this is, of course I want to give you a decision on this. And of course I want to wait for you to get there and do whatever I can to support you in making that decision. Sorry, better way of phrasing this: if there was any possibility of us at all— and that's where I'm backing out on this and also trying to protect you from me. I'm scared to get back with you and hurt you again. There's a bunch of factors going on here. For me to move forward at all in any relationship, I need that stability and that commitment of "I am going to work with you." And that's not asking for crazy much. And I understand it's unfair to you because you don't know if you can do that right now and you want to give that time to develop.

I don't know what to do because the baby's been crashing out all week, baby. And what I'm most concerned with is ending the pain for both of us. And we've been struggling with that for a really long time. And the only way to end the pain completely, but also start a whole new one, is to break up. But that would at least mean that I'm not hurting you anymore. And that's our number one priority. She doesn't want to hurt you. And I'm sorry that I have.

Tristan I'm sorry too, baby. I also don't want to hurt you. And that is also what scares me about going out right now and trying to commit to something like that. Because yeah, baby—

Leah And that's like— it's okay. I don't expect you to do that. And I understand why. And I don't— it's about what is— you would have to go through a period of radical, radical acceptance and forgiveness and accountability. And I don't know, I would of course be willing to do that, but I just don't think that you're at a place where you physically can right now. And I think that you have too much stuff going on to put the work into our relationship that would be required to save it. At least temporarily. Because you have your own stuff going on, baby. And I want you to take care of yourself first.

The thing that drove the baby crazy is like, I can't be in this unrequited love situation. I know it's not that specifically. But the baby just really wants someone to love her back in the same way that she loves them and is committed to them. And that's all I want. And I understand you can't give that to me. And even when we got back together and worked on building trust, it'll be a waiting game even if we were back together, like "does he trust me yet, how much do I have to walk on eggshells, can I be myself?" And that applies to you too. And I've worked really hard to getting to the point where I don't have to worry about that with you. And I forgave you. But even so, I don't know. I think that I would be able to get over that but I don't think that you would. And I don't want you to have to get over that either. That's valid in how you feel. And I don't want to rush your emotions. But you deserve to be with someone who could commit to loving you.

Tristan So here's the thing. If I had to identify why I feel like I can't commit like that off the top of my head— there is the fear and whatever— but there is also the, right now I feel like we're both in a position where we can't fully understand each other. Slash, if we were to get back together and apologize profusely for everything and say out loud everything that we had done wrong— I don't know if I'm correctly interpreting the other person's feelings and everything. I still feel like both of us would have a kernel of "there's something else going on" or "it didn't feel totally authentic." And so that's where I'm like, I don't think that us two by ourselves, at least from what I've been able to tell from the past weeks, slash months, slash days— I don't know if we have the capacity to do that just between us two.

Leah I mean, that's— I understand what you mean exactly. And I worry about that too. That's exactly why I've been pushing for a breakup since the beginning, in wrong ways. But because I know in my mind I could get to a place where I do really forgive you. And I really don't hold burdens like that, contrary to all my beef with the world. And it's because of how much I love you. It's almost like a weird bias for me— I wouldn't hold that over your head because I would feel guilty about doing that. I know that I would be able to hold myself accountable and forgive you. But I don't think that you're going to be able to do that with me. And that's also why you're not able to commit to me, because you don't trust me. And that's okay. That's valid.

Tristan Well, I mean, I feel like I was willing to commit to that again up until Monday and I was pushing for that too. And you were resisting it at the time. And I agree and I understand that has changed.

Leah Yeah, but it's also like the only way that there would be a future for any of us is if we're willing— the committal to each other would be the biggest problem that we would face. And I need someone who's willing to hold my hand and walk through the fire with me. And it's okay if you can't do that.

Tristan Well, wait, but just to play a little bit devil's advocate. So I'm understanding that you would be willing to do that but I'm not willing to do that. But I mean, like, you would see, let's say, me not doing anything about Arjun as— I don't remember what word you used. It wasn't compromise, it wasn't— oh yeah, taking accountability. Okay. Right. So in your mind, there's no way for me to— or, I mean, I understand that the definition has changed a little bit. But there is a single way for me to take accountability for the Arjun thing, right?

Leah No, no. If you're referring to that being cutting him off— no. Well, now I understand that that has relaxed, that the requirement has relaxed.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah I mean, it was never the goal or what I wanted. It's just objectively the only thing that would make me feel safe. But I also understand that that's like— it's unfortunate, but I do have to compromise on my safety when it comes to that if I wanted to be with you. And that's something— my love for you is unconditional. I don't think that my safety is conditional, but that's something that I'm willing to tolerate with the right parameters and boundaries. And also rectifying the original situation, either me sitting down with Arjun and talking to him, which I don't think he's going to agree to, or you going in for a third and more serious sit-down talk. Which is like, I think that's why I got so frustrated and also flipped out last week. You know, I'm so proud of you for sitting down with him and confronting him and I appreciate that you did that so much. I guess I just freaked out because I spent the past six months crying to you and my hair started falling out. Like, it's literally making me sick— what Arjun did to me and the way that it's affected us, our relationship, and my distrust of the world and men and all these other problems I have. Arjun just reinforced all of them. And was also like— you can't tell people personal details. So I don't know. I got really upset that you confronted him but it didn't feel like it was with the right gravity. And focused on the harm that he had done to me, it was more so just explaining to him simply what he had done.

Tristan And I mean, again, stressing that he should never do that again and what he did was wrong and that he is— yeah, I mean— etc.

Leah Yeah. I'm so thankful that you did that and I'm really appreciative. But yeah, in terms of compromise, that's what it would look like for me in the future. Potentially still distancing yourself from him for a while. I don't know. It would never be a full cut-off and that was never the original goal.

Tristan I mean, let's agree that very explicitly you made it clear multiple dozens of times just how serious you were about that being the only solution and that there was no room for compromise.

Leah Okay, let's try and compromise on understanding this. Objectively, can you understand that, in my feelings, objectively I feel that I would be more comfortable with that than if I was to compromise on something like that? Because I would never be able to feel safe around Arjun. So logically, in my mind, the only way to feel safe is for Arjun to not be in my life. Can we start there? You see what I mean with that?

Tristan Yeah.

Leah So inherently, I would have to compromise on my safety. And that was my non-negotiable. And you feel that Arjun as part of your conception of safety is your non-negotiable. And I understand that. And that's where I was flipping out over the weekend, because we were not able to come to a compromise or understanding on that. And it's true, I am not going to compromise on my conception of safety ever. You cannot convince me to feel safe around men. There's no, that's not happening. But it's more of a question of, I've already been hurting myself over feeling this way for so long. What's a little while longer where Arjun actually gets held accountable? And that would make me feel better about it because he needs to be held accountable. I don't know. And that's also not even dealing with the hierarchy part of it and how I feel like I will never be on an equal playing field. And I don't want you to have to prove that to me or vice versa. I'm inherently at a level where I will never be able to climb the ranks in the way that Arjun has. And it's just sad for me. Because no matter how much I try and love you, or no matter how much care I put in, I will never be as important or have that connection or have as much value as Arjun. And that's valid.

Tristan But I wish you didn't see it that way because that's not the way I see it at all. Slash, I would disagree with that statement. It's not like I'm 100% loyalty based. That's not the case at all. That's where I stepped back from the situation and thought—

Leah Yeah, so here's the thing. Because of your relationship with Arjun, you have struggled with, from what I've seen, one, just recognizing the harm he's done, and two, even worse, that the gravity of it was as bad as it was. And I understand it was just words. But those words fucked me up pretty bad.

Tristan And yeah, I'm not— oh, I shouldn't have had to convince you of that. Yeah, I agree. That was fucked up with me. And I'm sorry about that.

Leah Yeah. It literally destroyed my sense of reality and my credibility and myself, and caused so much self-doubt, and not in a healthy way of "you fucked up, there's something you can learn from this." It just caused me so much unnecessary anxiety. And also, the way this story was relayed to other people is also something that I don't think we can come back on. And I tried making my mess with that very early on. But you described it to your friends and family as me giving you an ultimatum, when the fact is I never had the structural position to give you an ultimatum because—

Tristan Well, so, that's where I think there's a difference. Because I can believe everything— again, I just went over everything I agree and believe.

Leah Because that's only what I'm getting at— because of your relationship with him. And that's valid and I understand that. Well, it's valid to feel that way, but in terms of the way that you dismissed me completely, and also like— you thought I was reading too much into this or making up— I don't know— whatever it was causing you to not believe me. That's what I'm most scared about. Because that was in the beginning of our relationship when everything was good and we didn't have any problems. And it's also a good question to myself: if you couldn't believe me then, when you were trying to impress me the most when we were first dating, will that ever come about? Because it just shows that trust was— I don't know. The trust wasn't there to begin with. I don't want to say that. That's where, in my mind, I view it as a hierarchy of perception. And I've always been on the bottom of that. I understand that you don't see it as that, but it's very related. I don't know what other thing besides loyalty and not trusting me— because you had no reason to not trust me besides just meeting me. And even still, I had no reason to lie to you, especially when I was trying to impress you. And that was my worst-nightmare situation happening. Yeah, that's where I'm like, I understand you don't see the hierarchy, but that would also be something that we would have to work together on understanding as a couple and why I feel that way. And I understand that you don't agree with it. But it's the way that she feels. And it's the behavior that was demonstrated to me. Because I did push you that weekend, and that's also pushing you so I could hear it myself. You know, inherently, I know you don't see it as a hierarchy. But in my mind, in terms of people that you can't live without, you told me who, and it's not me, baby. And I have spent the past seven months trying to give you that support and hoping— I don't know. You're my person. You're the person that I would choose over everyone else. And it just sucks for me that I'm not that for you. And I understand it's not fair because it's your best friend. Baby, again, but it's the way that I feel.

Tristan Yeah, I understand that. That is literally what I did up until we were forced to confront it. Again, for six or seven months, I did choose you. I chose you consciously. And I denied Arjun. I just stopped everything.

Leah Yeah, baby. I appreciate that. Honestly, you had told me in passing a few times that you were avoiding him, but I really didn't realize how intentional that was. And also, to be fair, I just assumed Arjun didn't text you either. And it was just a mutual thing. And it was just you guys naturally having time pass because you've been friends for so long, you're not talking all the time. And I honestly thought it was just that, exacerbated by the weird situation. And you were just letting it cool off. And I didn't view it as an intentional choice. And that was also fueled in my mind by not confronting Arjun about it to the full scale of what is necessary to keep him accountable. So combined with that, in my mind, it was like you weren't doing anything about it. And that just letting that time pass was just letting Arjun get away with it. And I understand you took that intentional space, but I viewed that as not doing anything about it and not holding him accountable. But I appreciate that you view it in that way. And that was your intent. And thank you.

But I didn't feel like just taking time off from talking to Arjun was enough to protect me. Yeah.

Tristan Yeah. Which is valid. I mean, again, I'm not here to dispute what feels safe to you or not, because I have no authority on it.

Leah If anything, that's just kind of an offshoot of my point earlier about being avoidant and, you know, of course, I'm not here to reap the benefits of avoidance, which is not talking about it.

Tristan Well, any time I'm manifesting as avoidant, I'm internally suffering. And it doesn't seem like that. And it sounds like I'm making it up or exaggerating it, but it is true.

Leah Yeah, maybe. No, she understands. Yeah. It's hard. I don't want to process it as that, but yeah. I think the biggest part that's holding me back from fighting for you like I normally do is that the baby's just cried so much, for so many months. And she just really wants to stop crying. She wants to stop feeling ugly because she's crying all the time. And my eyes are swollen several days out of the week and they have been for several months. And I don't want you to be crying. And I want us to be okay. And I want us to be strong.

Inherently, also, we're both in a position with both of our friend groups— less so with mine— where we're always going to have people plotting on our downfall. That was fun and cutesy at first, but it's just an extra external pressure for you to deal with that you shouldn't have to deal with. And I'm just tired of random people bullying me. And I don't want to deal with that either any longer.

Tristan No.

Leah And I'm tired of people that I don't even know hating me. For something that I didn't even do. I literally just existed around Arjun and him and Rachel went at it with me for no reason.

And since everyone in your life processes this as an ultimatum from me to you, when in reality I was never able to feel safe— I don't know, that's what it should have been processed as. And also Arjun being the one to do this. That's something that would take a lot of work to try and amend. And I think it's possible, but I don't think that you're in a space to be able to do that or work towards it. Like, that's the other thing. Maybe you're just not emotionally available for us then.

Tristan I was up until last Monday. He loves you. Yeah, I know. But also, not even in that way.

Leah But, taking care of yourself.

Tristan Well, yeah. Point taken. I can't refute that one.

Leah Yeah. Part of the reason I feel that you were not able to come to terms with Arjun hurting me sooner is because you were not emotionally available. And that's something that I've been talking a lot about with Jackie. I can't blame myself for you not believing me.

Tristan Yeah, I agree. I don't think you should either.

Leah Yeah. That's not my shame to carry. Because it shouldn't be my shame. It should be Arjun's shame. And it shouldn't be my shame for reacting about this, or even though I reacted wrong. The blame should be on him. Because I would have been fine had he not done that to me. And we would have had a good time. We would have had a totally different relationship. And completely different power dynamics and friend groups and perceptions of each other.

And baby, that's where I feel like I'm at the hierarchy of perception. And I've always been on the bottom of that. With or without your friends, people hate me. Which is why I made it my brand to be schizophrenic and crazy. That was me owning it. Because that's the only way that I can process being fucking weird. I mean, you just gotta embrace it, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know, baby. Love you. That's all I know.

Tristan Baby. I love you too. You know.

Leah I realize it's been three hours on the phone.

Tristan Yeah. But here's what I do know.

Leah The baby has cried way too much over you, even though she loves you. Well, number one, she loves you. Two, I cannot go through a breakup like this again.

Tristan Yeah, I mean, I agree. It was horrific. Slash, is horrific.

Leah Yeah. I don't ever want to feel this way again. And I don't want you to feel this way again. And I think we've also— we're at a good position right now. We had the most lovely romantic weekend together. And we got to check off the rest of our bucket list. And there's closure on that. We will still be closing up how we feel for a few months to a year.

Tristan Again, I am still eternally grateful for you. And everything you've taught me. And showed me. And motivated me to do.

Leah Yeah, baby. I'll never stop being grateful for you. But I guess with that being said and established, the baby has got to go no contact for real. Tonight. We can arrange a time for you to come pick up the stuff. I'll bring it down to your car. I can drop it off at your house.

Tristan I can come pick it up. It's okay.

Leah Yeah. Trust me. Can't believe it. But we had a good run. It was crazy. Sorry we ended up hurting each other so bad in the end.

Tristan Yeah, baby, me too. I'm sorry about everything. You didn't deserve any of that. Also, I am terribly sorry about Mexico. Because—

Leah Yeah.

Tristan I'm sorry. I mean, I just— I regret that.

Leah That's our sign. By cancelling Mexico, there was no way to ever come back from that. That's also why you did it. I'm not the only one self-sabotaging. I didn't expect it to come to that because I'm stupid, I don't know. It's going to be really hard for the baby to process this as not a reflection of the way that you feel about her. Because I know that that's your intention. You abandoned the baby. That's okay. Because you abandoned yourself first. So I understand that. But it sucks. There's just a lot of collateral damage that could have been avoided. When I booked that ticket to Europe and Mexico, I tried to sit you down and have a relationship check-in of, "don't let me book this if we have any sort of problem that could come up." And that's what I was trying to talk about. And you told me no, you were going to handle it. And then— I don't know. But not a single thing that we did will leave my brain. Ever.

Tristan And how much we love each other.

Leah And the way that I really see you. And the way that I always have. Regardless of the way that we've hurt each other. So yeah, baby. Hate me, tell all your friends, but I hope that at least in the baby's head, he will always remember her as his little baby dinosaur because that's all she is.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Maybe that is what he remembers you as. He's never described you as evil. Ever. To anyone. Ever. No, there is no truth in that. That would be lying. So yeah, no, I've literally never have. Baby, I've missed you so much. And I don't even know. I've literally never missed another human being more. Ever. I'm not even kidding with you.

Leah Yeah. She feels the same way. You're my heart and soul, bro. And you're also right. I don't think that it came down to our inherent incompatibilities. Because I think that we were pretty compatible. But life happens. What can you do?

Tristan Yeah. I do feel like our incompatibilities exacerbated it. Yeah, but it wasn't— yeah.

Leah It wasn't final. I don't know. I will be looking for you in every version of people I ever meet for the rest of my life. Every crowd or street I go on, I will be scanning for you and worrying that I'll bump into you. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It's a famous quote. But emphasis: it was the best of times.

Tristan Yeah, baby. That is still what is cemented in my mind.

Leah Yeah, sweetie. I hope that you go out tonight or scream into your pillow for a bit.

Leah I love you.

Tristan I love you.

Leah And she will always be a little baby penis face.

Tristan Yeah, baby.

Leah And you have the world's longest breakup playlist.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Jesus. The list is too— yeah.

Leah And every single song on there is about us in some shape, way, or form. And I hope that it helps you process things. And it's my final act of love. It's leaving.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I don't even know what to do or say. Baby, I don't know. I love you. I'm so sorry that it ended in a tragedy like this. Yeah, baby. None of us wanted this.

Leah Yeah. No.

To try and fix us.

Tristan Sorry, say that again?

Leah I wish that, I don't know, you had come together with me earlier as a couple to try and fix the stuff going on and just tell me what was going on. And the way that you felt. And I hope you also take out of this, not confronting the situation makes it worse. And I hope that you learn your lesson from this and don't do this to your next partner. And my mom was right, baby. About the past boyfriends. She was exactly right, twice in a row. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Sucks. But I don't know. I know you may not feel this way, but in my mind, I was the one really, really trying the entire time. I just need to be with someone who's also trying as much for me. But you were very confusing to figure that out with because you were so perfect at everything. I was like, I don't know, so I thought I was just being too mental. But I knew, baby, you just never loved me in the same way I loved you. That's okay. But that's just the way baby feels and that's what she will be processing.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I don't know. I really don't agree with that, but I understand. I understand if you feel that way. And yeah, the baby always could have been better. And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about the hurt.

Leah Yeah. I wish that you didn't lead me on because you also knew the whole time that you were not going to do anything about me hurting. And I do feel led on. And no wonder for acting like that. We're both crashing out. But I don't know, baby. It's okay. But I do want us to go about this in the healthiest way possible. Yeah. I don't know. We need to go full no contact. And I can't promise that I won't send you songs. But she's really gonna try. And I'm not gonna send you anything. And it's for you, because I don't want you to be hurt by that too.

Tristan Baby, again, that's never what I wanted either.

Leah Baby, I know. But there's no way that I can keep you in my life at all anytime soon and me not break down and grieve us and everything we had. And me thinking that I found my family. Because you're just not. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. But she really thought that you were. And she's gotta let that go. And with you in my life, baby, in any capacity, I will always somehow be trying to get you back. Or impress you. Or make you think better of me. Because you think not good of me.

Tristan That's not true either.

Leah I know you won't expect that. But of course I'll be doing that, baby. She's been trying to impress you since day one and prove herself to you. And that she's worthy to be in your life. And she loves you. And she's not crazy. Whatever I've been trying to prove to you, baby, I've been— I don't know, trying to prove that I'm worthy of being loved.

Tristan Baby, of course you are. Baby, he loves you. That's never going away. And that's what I'll be grieving.

Leah Maybe I know. But he doesn't love me enough to stay. And work on it. In a realistic way. And that's something that I have to grieve. And that's okay. And that's just the way that you feel. Yeah, sweetie. She loves you. But my baby's gone. He still might always be my baby. But you're not gonna be my baby forever. You're gonna be someone else's baby.

Tristan Baby, I cannot imagine that. Not for a second.

Leah Baby, that's the thing. I don't know. I can't imagine that with myself. But with you, I can see that so easily. It's gonna take you a while to go find another freak. But you will find her. And she will be gorgeous. And go to all the same raves as you. That's probably where you will meet her too.

Tristan Baby, I think you just described yourself.

Leah You know, baby. You know what's not myself? I don't know. Someone who has a computer science degree.

Tristan It's not about that though.

Leah Build stuff with you. And knows how circuits work. And electricity. And someone who can give you all the intellectual things that you crave and that you deserve to have. And I don't know, your other genius. Because as much as you feel like you can't compete with me, I feel the exact same way about you. And that I'm not smart enough for you.

Tristan That's not— I've literally never thought that.

Leah Yeah, I know, baby. But I don't know. In my own way, I kind of hope that— of course, intelligence works differently. We just have different subjects.

Tristan Exactly. That's what I've always believed.

Leah Yeah, exactly. But I hope that you can be with someone who knows more about yourself and can connect with it more than I can. Because I want you to have that. And I don't want to keep you from that either. And there are lots of really bad baddie computer science bitches out there. With a lot of autism. Who love going to raves.

Tristan Yeah, that's— I mean, that's not really what I'm looking for. I'm not looking for anything, baby. Maybe. Maybe it will still set on you.

Leah Trust me, nothing— it will pass eventually. Maybe it doesn't. It's the way that she feels. But that's okay. Because she did her best to love you with the tools that she had at the time. And they were not many tools. And they were not sharp tools. And they were all the wrong tools. Yeah. But at least she got to love you. And she will be living with the memories of that forever. And living in them because you were the best thing that's ever happened to me. Even with the bad. And I will always be grateful for you. And all the lessons that you taught me. And the way that you see the world. And the way that your happiness rubs off on literally everyone who interacts with you. And you literally brighten up a room when you walk into it. And you're like the local celebrity at the raves. Where I'm like, "hi, I'm just the girlfriend standing off to the side, and here's my celebrity boyfriend." She loved that. And getting to stand next to you, baby, was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Tristan Baby, me too. And I don't think I could ever feel so comfortable going out than going with you.

Leah No, baby. She feels the same. And that's what she's been freaking out over. Baby has a lot of shows. And I now have a lot of people to go with, unless, apparently— I've had to remove myself from making friends because it's already out of control. Everyone wants to be friends with me. But I do not want to be friends. But yeah, I don't know if I'll be able to go to a show like that ever again in the same way that we did. And that was her favorite activity. And hopefully I'll reclaim that one day. But she will always be looking for you in every dance room she ever goes to. And this one will always stick out because you were the best dancer ever. And I will never be able to replace that.

Baby, thank you for all the times that you danced for me because she got too tired. Just being a dancing baby in general. And I don't ever want you to stop that for anyone.

Tristan Baby, thank you for being the first and only person I've ever danced with.

Leah Baby, that's you too. Until you. Thank you for being there at concerts and grabbing me from behind and having your arms wrapped around me. And I don't know, I was always very jealous of couples growing up who got to go to concerts together and look cute dancing. And thanks for spinning with me as strong boy. And everything.

Tristan Baby, thank you for everything. I don't even know where to begin. But yeah, baby. It was a strong education. Quick education. And thank you for making me appreciate so many things of the world. And making me discover so much. Baby, you taught me so much.

Leah Yeah, baby.

Tristan And thank you for— baby, that's you. It feels dumb to say, but thank you for all the love.

Leah Yeah, baby, that's you. Thank you for taking care of me even when it was hard. And not going anywhere. Thank you for being my support and my rock. And the reason I got up every morning.

Tristan Baby, that's you.

Leah Yeah, Tristan. I won't miss you for the rest of my life. And in terms of having a recap conversation, I don't know, I should just— we are pretty good tonight in terms of hammering everything out. But if I try and do that anytime soon, I will have a full mental breakdown. And be back to ground zero of the breakup. If we were to have one in two weeks to a month, that would just be opening the wound too soon.

Tristan Yeah. And—

Leah And I don't know. She's also— I'm actively processing this. But I'm also upset for the way that you led me on this week. And I know that it wasn't intentional because you genuinely didn't know. But you knew in your heart the whole time. And you were trying to overpower that with your brain. But it sucks. Thanks for considering it, I guess.

Tristan I mean, you know, whatever. You know— sorry, I didn't mean to say "whatever." I just mean, internally I would contest that. Yeah. I'll take a whatever.

Leah Yeah, Tristan. Baby, you were gonna be just fine. And, you were— it's true. If you love me this much, can you imagine how much you'll love the next person? If that was possible, there could be a lot more out there. And maybe we'll be looking forward and cheering you on.

Tristan Maybe. I don't even know what to say to that because I'm gonna be struggling my entire life wondering where you are and why there's nobody else like you.

Leah Maybe. That's why, you know, we have a whole lifetime of memories that we thought we were gonna have together to grieve. And I'm sorry it's come down to that. That it's gone down this way in general. Yeah. Our whole— I will try not being angry at you for doing that because I really get it. I support you and your happiness journey no matter what. Even if that's the only thing that I can do for you, that means not being around me. I really got it, baby. I'm sorry for it all and I'm sorry I didn't try and protect you sooner.

Tristan Maybe. Obviously, I'm sorry for that first. Yeah.

Leah Maybe the other thing is that I will not be able to mentally handle getting another call from you this week that will be like, "I regret this." By holding on— totally, even if something gets into her— leaving messages and whatever, saying hi. You know, that's the thing. And that's an emotional fear.

Tristan I hate it so much because I don't want to go back. I can't let it be me.

Leah And that's what she needs. Maybe he's gone, maybe left. That's okay.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I don't know what to do.

Leah Yeah, baby. It's okay. Yeah, baby. I just need you to promise me that, you know— we've got to make a decision tonight because I can't keep crying. I can't keep messing my life up. I can't keep waiting on you. So yeah, I don't know if this is your final decision tonight, then I just need to hear you promise me that you will at least do your best to not try and talk to me or get me back. Because it will be hell for her hearing that but knowing that you don't really want that or that you regret it. But I don't think that will happen. So I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for reassurance. I need both of us to commit to this being really done right now. Otherwise I'm not going to be able to move on.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah And that's, you know, if we can't commit to each other, we have to commit to not committing to each other.

Tristan Yeah. Maybe that's brutal, but I don't know.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan I don't know. I wish I could have that hope too. But also in a kind of weird way, and I also don't know if it's just because I'm tired or something, but a lot of this felt in a lot of ways like a repeat of what I was doing before. It's like we have much more mature language now and better examples and better ways of describing it, but—

Leah Yeah, I know what you mean, baby. And that's what I don't want to be doing. That's why I told you, this is why I can't be around you. Because she will always be fighting for you and you're not fighting for me. The baby needs to go fight for himself. And that's why we've got to cut it. Because the baby will torture herself trying to get you back and she knows that she can't do that. She knows that you're gone.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah But that's just closure that I'm gonna have to give to myself.

Tristan Yeah. That's where I'm like, I really, really wish— and I understand that it's not possible— but I really wish that the only other solution wasn't just to cut each other out completely from each other's lives.

Leah Yeah, I know. But you also know damn well that if we saw each other anytime soon or even spoke to each other it would be painful for both of us. And if we saw each other in person, I would, of course, keep my hands off you out of respect but that would be incredibly difficult. And I don't want us to keep dragging this on. And I don't want you to, like, come back here to hook up with me and things like that. I want you to be free. I want you to be happy. Yeah, baby. She's done. She won't convince you anymore. But I love you. I just hope that you do your best also. I understand we'll probably have slip-ups here and there. But please do your best to not contact me in any form. Because it will destroy me. Like, even getting your email last night was like the worst mindfuck of my life because it gave me hope. Where there is none.

Tristan I mean, I had hope yesterday too. Yeah, I had hope.

Leah Yeah, baby. She has hope too. But you've got a different kind of hope. That's okay. Yeah, baby. I don't know. Never, ever, ever change. Or the way that I felt about you. And how stupid, stupid in love we were.

Tristan Yeah, baby.

Leah And we're just two idiots running around DC for a year just giggling and screeching and farting across the country. And the most romantic trip of my life to New York City. And everything that I ever dreamed about and rom-coms. And the way that you touched me and brushed my hair before sleep. Everything. And the way that you put your hands on my face. And the way that you did Tina's face. And that's the babies. That will never go away even if they're not together. That love is always somewhere in the universe. We just sent it really, really far out to outer space somewhere and now it's floating around in dark space but it's still there.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I believe in it too. It's real. It's real.

Leah Yeah, baby. So, you better not talk or date to anyone for at least three months otherwise I'll be pissed.

Tristan Your is—

Leah And then I will turn psycho. And then I will— I'm serious, don't do that.

Tristan The three months is way too little, too. I'm not putting a calendar date on this. I'm not ready either. Like, by far.

Leah I agree. Good. Because she's not either. And I would be incredibly heartbroken if you went into a relationship with someone else when you're just not in a position to be in a relationship. Then she won't feel worthless. So please do not do that to me.

Tristan Yeah, baby, don't worry. No. He also doesn't want to keep harming you, which is of course a factor in this for the both of us.

Leah Yeah, baby.

Tristan Can we both get better? Yeah. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to provide, and didn't provide, the support and care and safety that you deserved.

Leah Maybe she feels the same way about you. I really deeply apologize. And I don't know, the next few weeks when you do find yourself mad at me, please just know that I'm sorry. Really, from the bottom of my heart. And I really had no idea that I was hurting you like that. It was not my intention. And I'm sorry that I did anyways.

Tristan Him too. Yeah, Tristan. I love you.

Leah I love you too.

Tristan So much. It's never going away. I'm never gonna stop loving you. And everything is gonna keep reminding me of you forever.

Leah Yeah, baby. Me too. So, it's unfortunate to do this now, but what's the update on the Plex account?

Tristan Well, I've identified the accounts you need. The step I'm blocked on, I guess, is just creating the account with your email. Just because I have questions. I didn't get her email, but I can point you to the two websites you need.

Leah Yeah, and I could just set it up on my own. Like, it's that easy. Ish. I can just give you my email. Well, whatever you prefer.

Tristan Yeah, well, I would need to manipulate the accounts themselves. But so, I don't need access to your email. I would just need you to do the "click to confirm email" whatever. Yeah. And then, yeah. And when do you want to come get your stuff?

Leah I know that we're trying to drag this out and leave shit at each other's houses so we can see each other again. But you and I both know that that's just gonna wreck us. And even that, I'm still trying to get it done, but I'm still gonna be finding your shit in here even after everything is gone. And I will probably still have something, but who knows. I don't know, we did a pretty good job cleaning everything out too. What do you think about that?

Tristan I mean, you're right that I have the impulse to drag this out. But I don't know, considering everything you've said and the way you've described your needs, I would feel like I should do it as early as possible. Which I think realistically would be tomorrow evening, just because, yeah, it feels risky to interrupt work with that.

Leah Yeah, no, exactly. I might not be here tomorrow evening because I had plans. I'll keep you updated. Tomorrow might not be the best for that. Maybe this weekend.

Tristan Okay, yeah. I just didn't know how urgent you were.

Leah Yeah. Yeah, baby.

Tristan But yeah, baby, whatever you want.

Leah Thank you. I mean, she's also willing to compromise with you if there would be a way that would be best for you to go about this. Like, if you need one more conversation or hug. Whatever you need. And whatever I can do to support you through this. Leave us off on the best footing.

Tristan I feel like, you know, a hug wouldn't hurt. But yeah, no, I don't know. We should do it in person and just keep it short. Not rehash anything. Yeah. Just remind each other that after all the fights and all the battles, and all the dust settles, all that's left was our love and appreciation for each other.

Leah Yeah, baby. Yeah, exactly. And that's, no matter what happens with us for the rest of our lives, she will always— that's her priority, keeping that. No matter how angry she gets at you for breaking her heart. And leading me on for seven months.

Every single thing, river. I mean, I don't know. It's kind. It's— and it's hairs that grow in different shapes and sizes and curls. And I'm gonna miss your chest hair being all over the floor of the bathroom.

Tristan Yeah, maybe he's been done bad with counting all the things that I'm missing and that I'm forever gonna miss.

Leah You better be.

Tristan I know. Do you still— I mean, at this point, I wouldn't mind sending you the pictures of what I wrote. I mean, I don't think that it would change anything, but I don't know if you'd rather or not.

Leah Yeah, maybe. I would like to see those because I guess they're all nice things. The love letters I never got.

Tristan Yeah, although again, it was a lot more of a diary with the deep stuff interlaced. It was like, yeah, I don't know. I didn't really know what I was getting into.

Leah Thank you for writing them and feeling that way about me.

Tristan Yeah. He loves you. He always will. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about any ounce of hurt that you ever felt because of my direct action.

Leah Maybe it's me too. I'm sorry. But it's another thing too. When we leave or break up with this, we stop saying sorry to each other because we would just spend the rest of our lives saying sorry to each other. Can we pinky hold through the phone?

Tristan Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Leah So I resets that to what the babies have always been.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah I forgive you.

Tristan Baby, I forgive you too. I'm sorry. This was such a fucked-up situation. And yeah. I've just never, ever been in any kind of similar situation before either.

Leah Yeah, baby. Tell your friends to be nice to your ex-girlfriend. Hopefully this never happens to you again. But if it does, I hope you don't repeat the same mistakes. Yeah, Tristan. I will be stuck wondering for the rest of my life: why doesn't he just come home? But it's because she's not his home. You're mine. I'm grateful for that. Yeah, baby.

Tristan Baby, you still are his home. He's homeless now. He doesn't have a home.

Leah Baby. Yes, you do. He's the real orphan Annie. Yeah. Last time I will ask— about if there's a chance for us.

Tristan I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything. Hello? Hello? Yeah. Oh, now I hear you again.

Leah Oh, sorry. I must have cut out. But yeah, I said yes. And she knows the answer. She just needs to hear it again. But she knows that we are so far from us.

Tristan Yeah, baby. You didn't bother me. You enriched me.

Leah Yeah, baby. You take that right ticket. If you want to go out with Phoebe Lou and Xenodelphia, I'm happy to send them to you. Otherwise I'll find some randos to go with me. And I already found some girls to go to the Jordan Ward concert with. So have fun at FKA Twigs, baby. I hope you still go. You better go.

Tristan Yeah. I would let you know otherwise.

Tristan Maybe this is not the outcome I wanted either. Loves you.

Leah Yeah, maybe. I feel like I'm happy that I can just apologize to you and that's enough. But yeah, she's trying not to be upset with you abandoning me.

Tristan Yeah, I understand that perspective. I wish this was an abandonment. Like, I wish we could still see each other and hang out and even just send books to each other.

But yeah, I understand. But I don't know, baby. Again, you want me to make an assertive statement and I just don't have it in me.

Leah I know, baby. I'm just trying to process Monday. It's like, what was it? I don't know. It wasn't like a question. You loved me that much and it still wasn't enough. What the fuck is love? How could there be anything more than that? That's— how am I supposed to trust people? How am I supposed to get into another relationship and not believe the whole time that they're building up this resentment against me and hating me? And all the times that I talked to you about how worried I was about that and how much I hate people who do that and don't talk about it. And I wish you would just get your ass here. But baby's gone.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I just don't know what to do. I don't know. Seeing each other tonight would just be like twisting the knife. I don't know.

Leah I agree. And it would just be me trying to— isn't there. I just— yeah. I just can't process how you can be so in love with someone and just not anymore. And so quickly.

Tristan Baby, it's painfully obvious to me that I still love you.

Leah I know, baby. But it's also painfully obvious to me that you've never loved me in the way that I've loved you.

Tristan It is, you know, simultaneously hurtful to hear.

Leah Baby, I don't want to believe that, but you're the one who's leaving, baby. So I don't know how else to not process it as that. And I've tried. And I know I'll be fighting with myself and for you in my head of, "I know that you just can't right now and there's nothing wrong with that." But at the end of the day, that is what it comes down to. That commitment. And the conditionality of it. I wish there was a way. I wish you were willing. I wish that you were able.

Tristan Yeah, maybe. Me too. And the evidence of the statement is that it would be pretty ludicrous for me to say that I would never turn around on this or find some reconciliation internally. And everything like that isn't also equally or even more crazy a statement. So that is also—

Leah Yeah, maybe. Well, it's also like, I don't know. That's where I know that you forgive me, but that forgiveness is going to take a long time to develop. Because if we had that forgiveness, we would be able to be with each other. But you stopped forgiving me. And that's valid. And I understand that you can't right now. And the same thing with you, it goes both ways. You've been clicking away, I'm on the computer.

Tristan No, I mean, I guess technically yes, but I haven't even been looking at the screen.

Leah She's trying to try. Tristan, you're the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Tristan Maybe. I hope you take it as a compliment. But same. You should take it as a compliment.

Leah Yeah, that's the way that you should take it too. We were the most beautiful, ridiculously everything couple.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I think so too. And I seriously doubt that that is ever possible again. That drives his own anxiety too.

Leah Yeah, well, stop dating ugly girls. You've got one good streak. Yeah. Be picky. Yeah. Trust me, she's really doing everything in her power not to beg you.

Tristan Baby, he loves you. As of this moment. Yeah. No amount of begging would make me change my mind in this moment. Yeah, baby. He loves you.

Leah I love you too. Okay, baby. Let's cut it.

Tristan I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about every single net negative that I've ever caused. I'm so sorry about it. And I've learned so much to not do that in the future to anyone, irrespective of whether they're a stranger or not. Yeah, I'm very thankful for that and I always will be. And thank you for showing me what it means to love.

Leah Yeah. I'm sorry I couldn't do it in the right ways. But—

Tristan Me too.

Leah She got a really good practice run. And I hope you did too.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Did. Yeah.

Leah I love you. First when you started fingering me at the new Android warehouse, good god. You always get me. I don't take you all seriously and then you take me seriously and then I take you seriously and then I fall in love way worse than anyone else at all.

Tristan Well, factually, that was my case with you. Baby, I've never loved anyone as much. I've never cared about anyone as much. Ever. And I know it doesn't seem like that because of that whole situation, but he really, really cares.

Leah Yeah, baby. Can we stay on the phone a few more minutes?

Tristan Yeah. Yeah. Are you getting the dabs out? Yeah.

Leah Yeah. Yeah, baby.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Baby, I'm just sorry for everything. And even with this rigid no contact, you can always call. And always—

Leah Baby, I know. But every time I picture that, I will picture us. And us is gone. And I don't wanna keep begging you, and I don't wanna have to put you in a position where you have to keep saying no to me. And— hold on. What I hate about this too is that, Tristan, I wish we hated each other. This would be so much easier.

Tristan Maybe that is what I've been trying to deal with these past few days. Because again, I'm telling you, every single other breakup I've gone through, I've hated the other person and been relieved that it was over. Yeah, this is not like that. I don't know how to cope with that either.

Leah Yeah, maybe that's also what's— like, last time begging of, there's no arrangement either that you would be even remotely open to that would not be us dating, but would I don't know, get us to the end of summer in terms of carrying out our obligations with each other, in terms of concerts and things like that? And I don't know, I wish we could transition— and maybe that weekend that I was crashing out, I never said it because I didn't think it was possible and it's still not. But I don't know, I wish in a world we could transition to friends with benefits of some kind, which is not logical at all or make sense. But I don't know, I wish we could downgrade our relationship and still see each other and go on dates but not have the pressure of a relationship on top of that.

Tristan Maybe. I mean, low-key, you know, minus even the benefits part— because I wasn't— first of all, thank you for being candid. But—

Leah It's not even that. It's like, what the fuck are we both gonna do about that seriously? No, we just go back to chronic masturbating.

Tristan That would be unfortunate. But again, baby, I mean, it's the only option. Again, baby, that kind of transition, again forgetting the benefits part— all I care about is having concerts.

Leah Let's go get mad at each other for real.

Tristan Yeah, baby. That's the only option I have for you. I don't know. I mean, the hating each other part—

Leah Yeah, well, that's the thing. I think that we've shown each other that no matter what fight we get into, we don't hate each other. Yeah, at least. But yeah, I don't know. You should have been a shittier boyfriend. I don't know what to say.

Then keep trying because it takes so long because she's an idiot. I'm trying too, to stop. I love you.

Our full run. And both of us are grieving that. Years in DC. I'm getting out here by the end of the year so you will never have to deal with me after that. But what if we were dating but not dating? What if I gave you several weeks to go have your time and then—

Tristan I don't know. I mean, maybe, low-key, that is exactly what I've been asking for. That is what I meant by "I just need time and I need space and I don't want us to go no contact and I want us to be able to keep going to concerts." Yeah.

Leah Baby, but if we do that, how am I supposed to deal with us being broken up? Because in my head, I would love to do that with you. I would be open to that. I think that's the only thing I can say. I don't know if we should be going to concerts. But from my perspective, I thought that you were the one shutting that down. Because I can't. But if we were still dating but just not in contact for a while and that was the intention— it doesn't have to be serious, we're not getting married. Your mom doesn't have to know about it. She'll know that you're gone from the house sometimes, but no one has to know.

Tristan I mean, again, baby, my baseline is I love you. If there's a way for us to still be able to enjoy our time together, then that's all I've always been for.

Leah I don't know. Maybe she's interpreting this whole phone call that you're not committed to wanting that. Like, that's not something that you would be actively pursuing. It would just be kind of just like, "if it happens, it happens" kind of thing. And that's where I took it as zero commitment at all. That's true. I can't wait around for you to commit to me. But I could also give you space with the intention to recommit to some level. It doesn't have to be the same level as before, but that would be the goal.

Tristan Yeah, I mean, yeah. Baby, that was the whole goal of taking space, to be honest. I never wanted it to be like—

Leah Tristan, you're so confusing. No, but legit—

Tristan I—

Leah That's— I interpreted that as "I want contact with you but I don't want to be dating with you or ever to get back with you." So that— I'm like, fuck, that would just be torturing myself.

Tristan Oh, well, but so what do you mean? Okay, well, so now I guess we have to define what we mean by less committed but still— or I mean, committed but less serious. What does that mean?

Leah That's a good question. I mean, on the not-serious, I think you and I know pretty damn sure we are not permanent life partners. But I do think that we are life partners for the time being. That would be the commitment of stability and that we're not going anywhere for each other. Even temporarily, for the next few months of, like, this summer.

Tristan I mean, no matter what, even if we hated each other and broke up in the most despicable way, I still would not be seeking anyone else or going anywhere else.

Leah Yeah, I know that. But it's also like, you're also going to be gone for almost two months. I mean, five weeks.

Tristan I don't know.

Leah You know, but so that'll be a huge reset. I don't know. Who knows, you might meet someone in Paris. And that's another thing too—

Tristan No, baby, baby. I don't really—

Leah Well, you better not meet anyone. But if you did, I wouldn't want you to turn down an even greater love than what we had just because I'm still clung on to you. I would not want you to do that. Don't tell me that you're going to do that, but figure out a way to let me down gently.

Tristan Maybe. I'm not gonna do that. Trust me.

Leah You can. That's the only time you can ever lie to me.

Tristan Yeah, noted. Yeah. No, he would never do that.

Leah Yeah. Because maybe she's not gonna— like, I literally mentally can't break up. And I've been really trying all week.

Tristan It's been getting worse for me.

Leah Yeah. That's where I'm worrying. Because I've never had a breakup like this. And I really can't end up like my sisters. So— not that I would do that, or there's any drugs.

Tristan Wait, what do you mean ending up like your sister?

Leah Oh, yeah. But like, I don't know. If I kept contacting you and you didn't want that, I would set myself to the side where like— I don't know. I'm worried that I'm not handling this as well.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Me neither. He never wanted—

Leah Which is why I'm like, so why aren't we together? What's the issue? Because the cost-benefit analysis is still not adding up. Even with all the people who hate me. Like, what do I give a shit about that anyways? I don't know.

Tristan I guess the only question is, can we put— can we reset and put what happened between us behind us? Because I feel like—

Leah Yeah. But I think we need to go scream in a field.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah There needs to be some sort of somatic— yeah, I don't know. Doing some weird woo crap together, making a box and burning it. That would be our past relationship. I don't know. Although I don't know, I will have to start doing woo crap. I'm not even joking.

Tristan Yeah, baby. I mean, yeah. I miss you. I'm not gonna lie.

Leah Yeah, baby. Neither one of us is ready to let go yet. And I understand that we're at the parameters that are forcing us to start that. But I would rather it be like a slow— I wanna hate you. Let's go hate each other. Let's go commit to that.

Tristan Yeah. I also don't wanna end up like your ex in New York. I really wanna hate you. Of course I will never really hate you. But I'm thinking about your ex in New York.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah I'm thinking about Eric too. Yeah, I love thinking you would be the person to talk to about this. But Eric would literally tell me to go kill myself now or something.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Maybe Eric was so real to them. And I don't wanna be in another situation where, I don't know, I'm like with Eric, where I'm still seeking him out and he's not seeking me out. And that's not what's going on with us. Logically, on top of all the shit that we have been through, it literally does not make sense for us to break up right now. And that's also what I was trying to hash out with you. We have done way too much for us to throw it away over two fights. Two really bad fights.

Tristan Yeah. Wait, sorry, you got cut off, I heard like half a syllable. No, it's okay. But yeah, no, baby, I agree. This separation is brutal, unexpected, shocking, and—

Leah Horrible. For no— cruel for no reason.

Tristan You know.

Leah Like, do you know why we're breaking up? Because I don't. Still.

Tristan Well, like you said, cruel for no reason.

Leah Yeah. That's what she's been tweaking out about. And trying to back out. Because we are also incredible support for each other's lives. And losing that for both of us is going to be detrimental in a way that none of my other breakups have been.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Not even when I lived with Paul. Paul did not give a shit for support. But I depend on you. And I don't know, at least give each other time to go out and make friends with someone and go get a better support group before we hate each other. So, yeah.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Because I'm working on that now. But I'm not. Like, ten dates signed up with all these random people. And I'd rather do it on my own more authentically versus like being in a panic situation where I'm just swiping through Bumble. Yeah.

Tristan Yeah. I don't want that for you either.

Leah Yeah, baby. The reason my pride is— the first thing I do is I just want to put on a playlist. And you will listen to all of that too. Because that whole playlist is like another version of reality where nothing makes sense. Because it doesn't make sense. But I also don't want to be pushing you into this just because you're tired. And I'm terrified to wake up tomorrow morning and then you'll be like, "oh shit, I didn't mean that." But also the time of this week has been horrible.

Tristan Well, no matter what. And so, again, I am like— I would also much rather have something like that with you. Because again, I don't hate you. I don't— I miss you. I love you and everything.

Leah I'm still in love with you.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Me too. But yeah, I still feel like we should settle for some amount of time.

Leah Yeah.

Tristan Yeah. And that's where I'm also like, I would rather not it be total no contact. But I legitimately think like, I don't want me calling you—

Leah Like, you don't want me calling you? Or like, doing our usual text updates? Like, that's okay.

Tristan So, on an impulse right now, what I really wish for, over the next few days— and that could be until like Saturday, I guess— basically literally just one message to each other per day being like, "I still love you, I'm still thinking about you, I'm okay, we got this, blah blah blah."

Leah Definitely completely okay.

Tristan And then, yeah, that'd be the amount of contact. And then, maybe songs and stuff, but reactions to songs would already be pushing it. I feel like we should have the understanding that, you know—

Leah I'd rather you like it than let me know that you've listened to it. And you can wait to do that.

Tristan Yeah, that's fair. But yeah, I would feel more anxiety about a proper in-depth reaction and analysis than like a like, to signal that I did hear you and I did hear it and I liked it.

Leah Well, you have a whole playlist of songs for me to bother you about.

Tristan But yeah, baby. But so, even regardless of the fight— even imagining that this fight had never happened, even imagining that Arjun had never happened or that he didn't exist— I have to say that I've been terribly sad over the past few days. Like every single minute. But I do really, really, really value— at least for the past few days— having been able to just choose what I do when I want. And yeah, he just wants a few more days of playing that out, and then he'll get it out of his system. But I feel like that was really the piece that was missing from, quote unquote, "not having enough single time" from before.

Leah Yeah. Well, baby, we can make that happen. Anyways, I don't know when we want to see each other again. Potentially we still may want to wait the week to do that.

Tristan I feel like we should have like a little— I don't know, just like a coffee encounter. Not at either one of our places, but just like— I don't know. I feel like when I imagine doing this with you, I get a little smirk of imagining just seeing you in a public place and thinking, "oh, she's okay, we're okay." I don't know.

Leah Yeah, but then we can meet up for coffee.

Tristan Or whatever. If you have any other ideas.

Leah Or tea. Or whatever. Yeah. We'll figure it out. Okay. Yeah.

Tristan Like that.

Leah Yeah. And we'll talk about it more when we're both ready. To develop a game plan of how to go about this. Thank you for changing your mind.

Tristan Committing to something. Yeah, which is what you wanted the whole time.

Leah But maybe just, I don't know, we need to figure out how to stop having miscommunications like that. Because I think you are willing to commit to me, you just need time to do that.

Tristan Yeah, I think so too.

Leah As unfair as it is for me to wait— is it that, or you not at all? Which puts me in an unfair position, but I don't have a choice. And I don't know. The baby— she doesn't need it now or this weekend, but moving forward, I think that both of us will need a lot of reassurance.

Tristan Yeah.

Leah Like, that is something that I do at least want you to keep in the back of your mind. Even doing a lower-stakes thing and seeing each other less often, we're still going to be emotionally involved. I want the baby to be aware of that. Because I'm not going to neglect your feelings and your needs. And I don't want it to be like a complete fuck-buddy situation.

Tristan But it could just be—

Leah And it's gonna be us.

Tristan Like how we were Saturday and Sunday, this week. Yeah, baby. Yeah, exactly.

Leah It doesn't matter about the seriousness. Because we're just like that naturally all the time. And the babies are squirreling out over everything.

Tristan Yeah, they are.

Leah Yeah, baby. She loves you. She doesn't want to lose you. I know that I will have to one day. But right now the baby can't handle it. And neither can you. Yeah. I am not the only one. And both of us have been unnecessarily crashing out in a way I have never done before. And I literally cannot. And I need your support right now. I just can't bear this going on right now.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Me neither. Baby, I've been like a wreck at work. It's been actually really bad. Because for the past two-plus weeks, basically, I've been— I've just not been able to have a single productive day.

Leah Baby, that's her too. And it's not getting better. And I've tried giving myself all the coping mechanisms to deal with the breakup, but it's just not working.

Tristan Yeah, I agree, baby. I still, always, in one way or another, will always want to take care of you.

Leah And that's the thing. Yeah. Even as friends. Which I don't want, but one day that will be inevitable. Baby, you were supposed to be my Freddie Mercury wife, right? And they kind of hated each other too, but they loved each other so much they hated each other. But they still loved each other. Freddie Mercury was gay but he still was in love with her.

Well, yeah, Tristan. I'm sorry this phone call lasts four hours. Jesus Christ. It's our longest one.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Yeah. He loves you. It's okay, baby. As long as it puts us in a better place. He loves you.

Leah Yeah, maybe. Because yeah, I don't— I really feel like there's no other option but for us to go hate each other. And if we have to do that, I don't care. Obviously I'm going to prevent that. But I at least have to be like— I don't know, to get more annoyed with me than you did.

Tristan I mean, I guess I'll try, baby.

Leah But yeah, but not anytime too soon. Just to ask, while everything's fresh, do you have like an ideal break-up time period? Of when you would want, like, if we were to set a time frame? At least until the end of our last concert together, which is in October?

Tristan Really? Wait, what is that for? I don't know.

Leah That's going to be a cool one. That's going to be Chris Stapleton down at the Jiffy Lube Live. And we have another concert— I think we have multiple concerts in September and October at Wolf Trap. Oh.

Tristan Well, then I guess that's a decent cutoff. Yeah. We can think about it more, but I feel like that's somewhat sane.

Leah I mean, ideal ideal would be January. I don't know, like January of next year. But we'll take a day at a time and see how we feel, etc. But that would be like my most ideal target. Yeah. But I mean, we as freaking prophets. We should have listened to me the first month.

Tristan Of what? Temporary boyfriend?

Leah Yeah. Because it's also the other thing. All of our other relationship stresses, the breakup would only be because we know that we're not going to be with each other permanently. But it also doesn't have to be like that. Because I can't convince myself that we are not right for the time in our lives that we have met each other. As shitty as it is and as wrong as it is and as fucked up as it is. As fucked as my life is right now. I don't see a better option.

Tristan I don't see a better option.

Leah And I don't think that being single would be good for us right now. And I don't want to be too co-dependent or whatever. But it just wouldn't be good.

Tristan Yeah, baby. Me too.

Leah Yeah. But don't think this gets you out of boyfriend duty. So—

Tristan Yeah, I understand. But yeah, we'll be able to iron that out.

Leah Do we still wanna do anniversaries? Or do we wanna get rid of those completely?

Tristan I don't know. For this first one, let's just do something cute and thoughtful and not too high-stakes. And not something that's meant to be compared to the previous ones, I guess, is all I'm thinking. And then from that, we see.

Leah Is that what the purpose is? Like, not acting like a couple?

Tristan It's also where—

Leah Yeah, we need to define the DTR. Define the relationship. Which I also know is hard right now. But I don't know. What if we take a break, etc., and continue doing good on space and things like that, but it's still us?

Tristan You're saying that as in like, that's what we should go for?

Leah Yeah, like a good thing.

Tristan Oh, yeah.

Leah It makes objectively no difference to not still be acting with the same level of care that we were on our anniversary. Because regardless of it, we're gonna stay together. And I think that's something that we should celebrate anyways. And the fact that we made it there, period. No matter what state we're in.

Tristan No matter how many breakups along the way we are. Yeah, baby.

Leah Because here's— I mean, that's why I could say the stuff about the anniversaries. Because it is difficult being in a relationship. There's a reason why most people are not in a relationship right now. It is hard as fuck. Because you're hurting each other all the time. And most people, the relationship ends because you can't forgive each other and that commitment thing has dropped. Or whatever the fuck is going on. But yeah, that's the thing I was refusing to believe that was going on.

Tristan Because I see us—

Leah I see the way that we act when we're together. And the way that we really feel about each other. And it's not fair to take our worst times and then hold that above both of our heads and be like, "we're evil together." When we're two grown-ass adults with a complete ability to communicate and change.

Tristan Yeah. Agreed.

Leah Throw away the most important thing that I've ever had in my life.

Tristan For both of us. Standing on our own and refusing to back down on the principles that ultimately lead to nothing. Yeah, other than hypothetical concepts. Less so on my part, but—

Tristan Yeah. But yeah, baby. Yeah. I agree.

Leah And you know what, Tristan, if anything, this situation has shown me— I knew you were a little trickster. You are the cynic in this relationship, baby.

Tristan How so?

Leah You've been fooling me. And you're also— you've just been unstable. You are totally the nihilist, baby. Yeah. You are just as nihilist as me. And I don't know if it's me rubbing off onto you. But whenever we get into conflicts, you're like "there's nothing we can do, I can't, this is irreparable, there's no compromise," whatever. And I'm sitting there crying on the floor like, "oh my god, please just find one." And I know you feel that way about me. But baby, the whole night tonight, you were like nope, nope, nope.

Tristan I just don't think so.

Leah "I don't have— I don't think that could happen. I can't perceive that. I can't conceive that."

Tristan I mean, really, no. I was stressing. I don't know.

Leah Yeah, baby. That's very cynic of you. That's my point. You're supposed to be the optimist here. Signal up. No more calling me cynical. Yeah, cool. No, you can still do that. But you get my point.

Tristan Yeah. He knows.

Leah And also, baby— oh my god, Glenn just texted me a picture of when I was 14. And Tristan, you're gonna— I didn't know this existed. You're gonna flip out. Your little lesbian girlfriend, Jesus.

Tristan So how do I explain that to Glenn?

Leah I don't know. No, I could tell him that, you know, we're just broken up and I'm fine.